Twerpled on the Head with a Magic Kumquat

[girlfromipanema]

Nothing was ever discussed regarding the removal of the photos and my follow up text message. In fact, NOTHING is ever discussed. We coexist in virtual silence. I came to the realization that "this" relationship is over. To be honest, I haven't done the best job DBing. It's impossible to act "as if" when you're dealing with a zombie. He has the 'dead-eye' look when he's near me, if you know what I mean. I make his life a complete hell. It isn't a pleasant feeling knowing you make someone so completely miserable. But that is the reality.

I went to bed last night having exchanged a maximum of 10 words with my husband the entire day. I cried myself to sleep and woke in the middle of the night with him crawling into bed. He didn't call me "baby" or tell me he wanted to hold me. He had sex with me without saying a word. This has happened several times since I last mentioned I would have a talk with him about not returning to the couch... but for some reason I am unable to speak up. I just let him leave because, in truth, I don't want him in my bed. I don't want to be near him. I do not know this man. I do not enjoy the sex. The "interesting" part -- and this is difficult to go into because I'm not comfortable discussing the details and when we allegedly meet face to face this shall never be mentioned, mkay? -- is that he continues to go out of his way to please me (over and over and over). If we were in a happy relationship, I'd be the luckiest girl in the world. Unfortunately, my feelings for him are numb. My body responds to his touch, but it isn't a feeling of pleasure for me. Also, without going into too much detail, I don't think he is having the kind of "result" most people are hoping for. That breaks my heart even more. I feel like less of a woman.

How did my life end up like this??? Part (most) of me feels completely used. A tiny part of me wonders what kind of non-verbal message he's trying to send. My C thinks he's just being selfish, but I didn't go into detail about his "generosity" (too embarassed). I know I should just talk to him, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm so tired of putting myself out there. I'm just so tired of being rejected and hurt. This constant knot in my tummy is starting to feel normal.

A couple other things happened today, but I need a break from thinking about it. I'll post more in a bit.