I am sure that DR, DB and other books will teach me to combat this "cancer" but this kind of cancer is one that she doesn't want treated. I pretend as has been mentioned here that she is ill and needs to be cared for, but when she has an hour of free time or so, is there a way to get her to WANT to spend it with me instead of him ? If i don't invite her to do something, she won't invite me just back off ?
Don't pretend she's ill, she IS...you think her mind and emotions are HEALTHy right now?
People do stupid things when they are ill...some of them gorge out on food and make themselves sick, some people gamble their home and life savings away, some people drink themselves into a liver transplant.
Don't assume that just because someone is ill they will seek treatment. Do YOU run to YOUR doctor when YOU feel ill or do you try to ignore it or figure its no big deal, or try to fix it doing something stupid on your own? Many people don't treat their illnesses, many people RESIST having their illness treated, and many people even try to DENY they ARE ill.
Sometimes when people are ill they WANT help but are miserable. Have you ever watched someone struggle to do something like put a piece of furniture together? You offer to help and you get yelled at "I AM FINE LEAVE ME ALONE"...well, people don't always RESPOND constructively to their problems.
You get her to want to be around you by doing the following :
1. Give her the space to decide that on her own.
2. Give her a reason to want to be around you - be fun and casual..no one wants to be around a sobbing, begging, clinging child
3. Give her TIME to decide that. You want to push her. You cant FORCE a cake to bake faster, you just burn it. Your wife needs to warm up to you at HER pace, NOT yours. This is HER path to walk. Do you hurry your child into something? Are you going to hurry your child to do calculus when he hasn't even gotten comfortable with arithmetic? Patience is your FRIEND.
If she doens't invite you then she doesnt' want to be around you yet. Find fun things to do and make your schedule available to her..tell her its in case there are any family emergencies.
if you started playing baseball, she might go to your games. if you started coaching, she might go to your games even If you DO SOMETHING she might FOLLOW YOU. What are you doing to INTEREST HER?
What are your wife's hobbies or interests? You need to do something to interst her. Right now YOU are NOT enough. She wants you to be something MORE interesting ok?
You can start counselling children, talk to her casually about some of your cases and ask her opinoin. PRAISE it when she offers it.
I can't tell you what will attract her, YOU are the best judge of that, come up with some ideas and toss them up here, we will help you pick some.
do I just pretend she's a friend whom I have a child with, and if she only wants to see me when our son changes hands, thats it ? it is hard to bait her and at the same time back off. we've been separated for almost 5 weeks, but still talk (minus R talk) like we're interested in each other's going-ons.
1. You act like she is a potential romantic interest but the two of you are taking it SLOW. Dont' push yourslef on her, just be charming and interesting. Playing HARD to GET even.
2. Five weeks is NOT a lot of time for divorce busting. How long has she been having an affair? You should expect this to go on for at least three months I would think. You aren't half way there yet even. And that is a VERY BROAD estimate ok?
You need to control your impatience and focus on yourself. You need to give HER time to THINK and warm up to you again.
if she DOES move to you, DON"T fall at her feet. If she kisses you, kiss back but HOLD something back. NEVER give away the whole game. Man, I think women can give you some better advice here lol
Just kiss back, or do back, and don't push for more..let HER come to YOU. PATIENCE...she will start to walk on her OWN...you can't force a baby to walk, and you can't force a wayward wife to hurry a reconciliation. They will both start to walk safely on their own.
Hard to bait her and back off? Study any single woman. They have a natural talent for the bait and run game. Girls can you give me a hand here on teaching Buster how to play hard to get? lol Seroiusly, i am a guy, I can't explain this, but it is what he needs to do here I think.
You ARE baiting her when you put something out there for her and let HER decide.
Go fishing...do you YELL at the FISH to HURRY UP? Of course not...you need to study some activities that require patience. Go play golf or something...
her sister tells me that although she (her sister) would like us to stay together, dragging this D out as long as possible is just going to hurt her and I more. however our pastor tells me if i love her and am committed, to fight to the end. ???
1. Don't trust her sister, her sister is going to sympathize her HER not you, and she is not trained in marriage counselling, furthermore she's NOT likely mature enough to understand how difficult marriage is and what it takes to make one work.
2. When marriage gets tough, you roll up your sleeves, you dont run away. Her sister likley has the SAME PROBLEMS emotionally that your WIFE does...why would you listen to someone with likley similar hang ups?
3. Listen to someone TRAINED in counselling others who has experience in life and marriage and understands that when things get difficult you work harder, you don't run away.
Have you ever tried to learn to play piano, or dance, or do anything that required patience, hard work, time, and a LOT OF PRACTICE through trial and error?
Marriage is like one LONG piano lesson. Don't give up just becuase it is hard or becuase something doesn't sound right, it gets EASIER and feels BETTER with practice.
your kids will want to quit music lessons too, this happens often..are you gonna say "oh its hard, ok, give up, i dont want you unhappy." of course not...you tell them to work hard and they will not regret it...trust, patience, and time buster.
IGNORE her sister.. How old is her sister? Is her sister married? Has her sister read divorce busitng, or ANY BOOK on MARRIAGE SCIENCE or COUNSELLING? Do you konw pastors are TRAINED in that sort of thing?
If your car was broke would you listen to your wife's sister or your auto mechanic?
Ignore her sister...listen to someone trained in the content.
1. It is guidance and advice on people having marital problems or for FRIENDS or FAMILY who KNOW someone having problems. LISTEN to Michele's EVERY WORD. Don't quit the video until you have watched the WHOLE THING.
2. Take notes if you want. Share it with your pastor. ONLY listen to friends who are behaving the way michele reccomends people to - listen to people who tell you NOT to give up, listen to people who tell you marriage is worth fighting for.
IGNORE people who tell you to give up. They are just immature and ignorant about what it takes to make a long term investment pay off...marriage is one big piano lesson, it takes YEARS to sound and feel good...don't quit just because it has gotten hard and you are scared. That's when you try harder.
Marriage troubles are your opportunity to find religious context in your life. When your wife starts to stray, dont give up on her, carry the cross for her and love her while you bear the burden. Jesus did it, and this is your cross too.
We all have to carry people when they are down, and we trust and hope that they will do the same for us. That is what makes community and marriage work.
It is a damn shame you won't read Relationship Rescue or something...you would get a lot more out of it and likley would resolve your marriage problems a lot sooner.
It is a damn shame you won't read Relationship Rescue or something...you would get a lot more out of it and likley would resolve your marriage problems a lot sooner.
I agree. I don't see you applying much, if anything, from what you're "learning" here, Buster. You post and you post and you post, and you ask a million questions, but then you don't listen, and you damned sure don't apply what you're being told.
Mark is a real pro here -- LISTEN TO HIM. APPLY WHAT HE'S TEACHING YOU.
As the Bible says, "there is wisdom in many counselors."
Well PD, I do see some, but I think more progress can be made and more impact be made if Buster tries to learn rather than having us clumsily type out the content of the books that he wont read. I don't have the time to do Relationship Rescue justice.
I wouldn't be humble to say my work pales in comparison.
I would reccomend Relationship rescue for you rather than divorce remedy, DR requires a lot more instinct than you are up for right now. Phil lays things out for you like a auto users manual.
Buster you are being calm with her, you are trying to keep back, but you are pushing too hard. And you are doing this stuff becuase we tell you, not becuaes you understand it.
Just like church, this stuff does you little good if you dont understand WHY you are doing it.
Read the pros if you can. Otherwise you will have to rely on what table scraps we have the time and talent to scrounge up from our brains for you.
You are trying, don't stop, and you are doing some great work...but you are pushing her too hard and focusing way too much on what she's doing. Be warm and nice, but don't push her so hard.
You have a lot of work to do, you dont have time to be wondering around all day what she's up to.
And why on earth are you going to the damn LIBRARY for these books anyways? they are like thirty dollars for both of them...heck you can order them on ebay and have them DELIVERED to your DOOR. OR go to AMAZON an have them dropped off at your door.
If YOU really want to OWN the choices you made to contaminate your marriage and work to repair that damage then you need to do the work. The FIRST task at hand is buying relationship rescue and divorce remedy and READING them...no excuses...your marriage and your wife and your son need you to do that.
Just do it, go now online and order them...don't read, don't post here, just go to amazon and order them
damn you guys are drill seargants ! i'm on amazon ordering them now but the page keeps freezing up. anyways, i appreciate everyone saying i'm making progress, albeit a tiny bit. A month ago, I sat and bawled day in and day out. I shed no tears now, go out with friends, exercise, and don't do drugs. I can laugh and smile, and I'm reconnecting with people I haven't talked to in years (no women). I also don't ask what she is up to or where she is going anymore. I would say all of this is progress. how about you ?
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
just back off ? 