Soul mate Part Deux

[Frank V]

mark,

I keep typing things to say to you and end up deleting them because they sound stupid. ok here goes:

The only foolish thing anyone of us can do is to try to db alone. Type away, tha'ts the best way to handle these probelms. I only wish more people would come HERE and type away with questions instead of running into the arms of other people. Imagine how your marriage would be NOW if your wife came HERE?

Look it in the context of your wife, you would WANT her HERE asking questions right? Even silly ones? Follow that lead.

1) the only thing for certain is that this guy is a coward. My wife knows i'm not a coward because I am fighting for this R.

Exactly. And your support group and community will embrace your courage and maturity and again be inspired by that, and they I would suggest are supporting you so much because of how you are bearing all of this..it is your cross Buster..you will get there.

2) would it be wise to stop contacting her and let her contact me ? or should there be exceptions like I should contact her about our son if need be and that's it ?

I would contact her about your son only. I wouldn't call and say something like "I am just calling to see how you're doing" or "I was just thinking of you and..." This is a tough one so I would be interested in hearing other peoples opinions as well.

My thinking is that right now you giving her some space would be good. But when SHE calls Do let her know "I am always available if you needed to talk with me about anything. I am always approachable."

She then will know if you arne't calling her, its because you are busy and that you arent angry. I think there will be enough calls about your son to get the time in you need. you will have to feel it out. If she says something like "you can call me tonight..." then do so..but be LATE.

If she says call at eight pm then call at 815 or 830. HOLD something BACK. That's your guideline. Remember its like fishing, always give her some line...sorry if this sounds bad but dating is like hunting.

3) should I stop talking about our R to her parents and friends and just keep it between our pastor and I?

Hmm..I would talk with maturity, if they bring it up just say "I am holding up well and doing what I can for her and our family. I am not giving up on her or my family.

I am hoping that the two of them will find the maturity to make the healthy decision for our family. We should be together. He has no business violating anyone's home or their family. But I really need to let my wife find the maturity to come to me when she's ready.

His interference must stop eventually. I can't imagine someone so immature long term. They are just very confused.

I woudn't bring it up outright, if someone expresses concern, show maturity and strength of heart. They will admire that and will possibly pass that to your wife. Interventions by friends in affairs do happen...just not often enough.

4) should I see if the pastor would talk to her? or would she see that as cornering her/intervention ? just let her come around herself ?

If the Pastor has a business card or something, have him give you THAT with a pesonalized note on the back letting your wife know he is there for her if she ever wants to talk.

Next time you see her, casually pull that out of your wallet and put it on the table letting her know "Our pastor wanted me to bring this to you"

Do NOT hand it to her. Put it on the TABLE and let HER CHOSE to pick it up ok? It is VERY important that you do NOT HAND the card direclty to her or make a big deal about it.

That card or note he leaves with you for her is a HUGE step for her and VERY scary. You really have to be VERY gentle and casual about it or it will SCARE HER OFF. Think of her like a little animal right now. If she comes to you for food you have to be VERY careful there.

For practice, pick up some walnuts and go to a park, practice feeding squirrels and watch how careful they are, how cautious, and how WARY they are of YOU. SHE is that squirrel. You have to just put the nut on the ground and let them pick it up. and you can't make ANY movements towards them or they will scatter.

Go and practice that.

Just get a note and leave it on the table saying "Our paster asked me to leave this for you" and then WALK OUT OF THE ROOM for a drink or something. Don't stand there and WATCH her ... let her handle the accepting the card in PRIVACY. I would give it to her in person as an experiment, but don't even look at her, just put it on a table in front of her and let her know its for her and then say "I am going to get some juicce from the kitchen did you want anything?" and then casually go there.

Let her digest the note.

A couple things could happen here.

1. She might snatch it up and put it away in her purse. This means she's embarassed and tense most likely. The card will sit in her purse and haunt her conscience for awhile.

2. She might ask you about it. Just casually tell her "I don't konw he just handed it to me and said to give it to you". Play dumb and casual. "Just read it I guess", "I spoke with him about volunteer work and a lot of stuff, he's pretty cool"

3. She may tell you she doesnt want it and push it away. If that's the case and you are at YOUR place then say "ok, I understand, I will keep it here for you." You could add "No worries" or something similarly casual. We pushed her and she got spooked in this case. Get the card out of site casually and ligthen the mood with casual chit chat asap.

4. She may start a fight. In that case just play dumb and don't let her bait you. "He asked me to leave the card for you. I am sorry if the card upset you. I will give it back to him and let him know you weren't up for it right now" Try to diffuse the tension as soon as possible. Again this spooked her and we pushed too far.

5. She may just play casual and slip it into her purse and act like its no big deal. She's in denial still. Again let the card haunt her conscience.

It MAY be too soon for a card, you will have to gauge her temperment there.

But in sum, don't invite her direclty. YOu have to leave her a choice and NOT confront her direclty by yourself...think of it like asking someone out..its SCARY and INTIMIDATING. You want to play it cool here. Its a lot easier if you can just indireclty saunter up to it like with that business card...its very subtle and she doen'st have to answer yes or no at that time. You give her a LOT of SPACE to THINK...which is what you want...

The OM is likley not giving her any space to think and shoveling crap at her all the time...this is a good thing...YOU give her space and HE pressures her...she will go to YOU eventually if he keeps that up.

Gauge her temperment, her body language, the tone in her voice, where she puts her arms, what she doenst say. How quickly she breathes.

Remember the squirrel exercise.

5) i have mentioned to her about going to a gym 2 days a week with our mutual friend and invited her if she wanted to go sometime. was this a bad idea?

Yes, do NOT follow your instincts. It is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too soon for you to be inviting her out ANYWHERE with you. Again leaving her a brochure is enough. The gym is for YOU to get space and clear your head, NOT to invite HER there silly. Do NOT ask her out again or you will blow all the progress you have made. If she wants to go out with you, she will ask you. Just let her know you are available and LEAVE it THERE...just like the business card/note approach above. Do not push dates on her, relatoinship talks, OR notes from your pastor.

You can leave her one note from your pastor to digest if SHE wants to...but NEVER directly ask or offer her anything.

Don't push her. Remember the squirrel exercise. Just let her find you on her own. And if you do the squirrel exercise and find there are some brave casual squirrels and some that seem frightened and hurt...yoru WIFE is the frightened and hurt one...not the easy going one ok?

You wouldn't push the nuts on the squirrel, don't push your marriage on your wife.

Go do your squirrel exercise. Do that each day for practice. It s fun, its emotionally satisfying, and its good practice for how to approach wounded and wary mates who are confused and scared but still love you.

Go do your homework sir.