Im done.

[bluerain]

Well everyone, Im done. I am done waiting, trying, crying, begging, wishing, and hurting. Mostly Im done trying to search for some way to blame myself for him having an affair. I have had a chance to start healing since April, but I wanted so badly to preserve what I had. Now I realize that I can have so much more.

When my husband came home and told me that he had started seeing someone I was devestated. Really, my husband (dont worry, we all thought he was a good man), the man who I had promised to love, honor, cherish, had decided he was done before I even had a chance to know that things werent right. Dont get me wrong, I love him, and will for a long, long time, probably just about as long as Ill miss him. He was my best friend, he said I was his too, but you dont do this to friends, and Im out of patience I suppose...

So, this brings me to today. I went to the ship yesterday and said things that I have needed to say since he pulled the world out from under me. As I left I realized that I really didnt mean some of them anymore. I realized that Im done coming second to someone who is willing to steal another womans life. Im not second to that kind of person, I am so much better than that! Im finished trying to work with someone who has suddenly chosen to be miserable. Mostly, I found myself not really wanting to forgive him. I know that hes going to be going through this for a long time, and I know that I tried to save my marriage. It was the most important thing in my life, and I WAS willing to do anything for it. Now, Im letting it go, its just too much, and I feel so releived! I really liked being married, and I really really liked him, but I dont want to feel like this anymore. Im ready to be with someone who can make me feel special, or just get back to feeling special on my own, that might be more important.

It was just really important for me to know that I tried, really tried. I tried everything I could for as long as I could, now I dont have to wonder what if I had just done... I will still dream about him, but Im done waiting for him to walk back through the door.

Life is good, and I deserve so much more than this. Maybe it was learning to ride a motorcycle, its kind of like flying. I have found out so much about the people who love me over the last few months, and I couldnt have gone through this without them.

The sun is shining, Im getting ready to go out on a boat and get some crab for dinner, and Im okay.