Hey Phil, sorry I haven't posted lately, foot problems
I think what Amy is saying is that you have to find out how you became what you are today. Where did it originate from, how did you learn to be a husband, how were your behaviors established.
I myself had to look back at my childhood. My father was an abusive man, he neglected his family for work andput value instead on material things. I was raised to believe as long as you have a nice home, nice car, and nice things it means you are happy.
Because of this I was the same in my marriage, I made work and earning a living the most important thing. I made sure we never ever suffered financially and believed that it was enough to make my wife happy.
The point is it was a trait that I picked up as a child, one that ended up creating my husband persona.
You have to discover what YOU want compared to what you actually do. Many times our behavior, our reactions, our personalities are not based on who we are, rather on who others molded us to be.
You have to discover what is important to you. Who you want to be and how you became different than that. I imagine that when you got married you didn't expect to fight with your wife. You didn't expect her to throw things at you, you didnt expect to react the way that you have.
You have to discover where you come from and then adjust it to where you want to be either with your wife, or with any future relationship you may be in.
All of us want to go through the mountain Phil, because it takes so damn long and is so hard to go over it. But... ask anyone who has built a tunnel before if it would have been faster to go over the mountain rather than through it and they will 100% tell you yes.
Don't worry about the laundry, or the keys, or anything else with the wife right now. Stick to learning about you and taking care of your kids.
I want to end this on a positive note here, your responses to all of this info have been so much better Phil. You are becoming a much better listener and it appears that you are truly seeking out what people mean when they post to you. Fantastic Phil, that right there is a huge change in you and one that will help you on your journey.
There is a difference between thinking and knowing. Well wasn't that just insightful. What are you implying that comment is to vague? Sounds like a riddle...
I think she has another man. I do not know if she has another man. If she does have another man, shame on her because she is still married. I shouldn't think she has another man because I do not know if there is. However this DAM see's monsters.
Ian, You don't type with your feet. Really I don't agree. I think things in my past haven't formed me in that way. I do not act anything like my parents. Yes, I believe my mother was an idiot. She did idiotic things. Yes, I think my father reacted to her idiotic things. Hmmmm yes, I react to my wives idiotic things. However my reactions are due to different situations and circumstances. My mother wanted to run. My father tried to control that. My wife wants to control me, and I wouldn't put up with it. Yes she did keep me grounded. She was the glue so I could be crazy and build this house, go to school, design a website, build, fix, do whatever... I'm kind of like a mad scientist. My uncle is a mad scientist in thought but never did anything productive. At least I can look at this house and say I did it. I put in this hard wood floor. I put up this masonary stone wall. I drywalled this. I put those kitchen cabinents in. I I I I II I I I I I II IIII I I I I II I. I installed my own faucet. I did it. I went to work full time. I went to school full time. I invented the flux capacitor. No I didn't do that.
What did she accomplish?
I will continue to be sucessful. I will also fail. I'm not afraid of failing. Failing is not failing to me. Failing is a successfully trying.
Amy... Change. Hmmmm I think we have been over this. I don't know what else to change. If I knew I wouldn't be trying to think of it. I'm kind, I'm generous, I'm lovable. I think I'm a great guy.
I like that Amy... Leave her to God.
Phil feels better. The evenings I seem to be fully functional, alert and clear. Mornings I sometimes wonder how I'm going to drive into work. While at work I get overwhelmed.
Sometimes at home I get overwhelmed. The grass needs cut. The bushes need trimmed. I'll have three toliets to clean again tomorrow.
I don't have any other plans. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow.
I called wife to talk to kids. First I texted them, please call daddy. 1/2 hour later I couldn't take it anymore. I left a voice mail. I also left a message on her parents phone. Wondering if the kids are there because she doesn't talk to me about anything. They never called back. She called back.
Asking for a favor. Can you pick up the kids tomorrow at my parents to give my mom a break. As early as I can. Well when. I don't know. I have been leaving work early all the time it is a wonder I'm not fired. When have you been leaving early. Every time you need me. Well what time can you be there. I said after 5. She says that isn't early. Well like I said I'm still leaving early. I'm leaving a career job early.
I'm Thinking: You want to give you mom a break. She had them all week. Hmmmmm, then why did she want them to stay over so bad on Monday. Which allowed me to have monster thoughts of you being alone or giving you an opportunity to be with someone else.
I'm thinking: If her mother wants me to pick them up early why doesn't she ask me? Now normally her little mother likes to be taken out to dinner on Friday as soon as Father gets home from work. Sorry let your mommy get sick of you.
Still thinking: Hmmmm, why is she so accomadating to the ice cream shop? Sorry I don't think there is a future there. My job is a future. It was our future. It was our past. It enabled you to have everything you wanted. Hmmmmm, let me think. If she really wanted a steady schedule at the ice cream shop she should tell them. All the other girls do it. Then I have to hear complaints that you are on call for Saturday and you already worked your five days. Poor baby.
She put the kids on the phone because I didn't give her what she wanted. Well she didn't ask either. What time did she want me to pick them up. What is early. I'll still be an hour and 1/2 earlier than you. An hour can make or break you with the kids.
Rationalising with the irrational is not smart. It is a complete waste of time.
Still thinking. My job is still holding all of this together. A job that I have been neglecting because I was put into a pit of hell and a state of depression from someone that still says she loves me.
I don't believe any of it.
What I can change. Stop hurting. Leave her to God. Evenings are good. Mornings bad.
Until you stop focusing on everything else and begin to focus on yourself, you will not begin to have peace, to heal, to move forward no matter what. You write ad nauseum about what your wife is doing, especially what she is doing to YOU; you point fingers at her and her family and her friends. It's rare to encounter someone with as little capacity for self-reflection as you, Phil, and the sad thing is you'll get nowhere until you learn this. You refuse counseling--which would be a tremendous help--because "you're not the one with the problem." Yeah, we've never heard that line before. You flatly deny any influence on who you are by your family of origin and childhood; you would be the first person in the history of mankind NOT to be formed by their childhood. You consistently tell those with vastly more experience who are trying to help you--on these boards or among your friends--that they are wrong and you are right.
So how's all that working for you, Phil? Are you closer to peace? Any closer to healing your marriage? Any closer to preventing further damage to your precious children from this situation? Any closer to what you want? You keep talking about being strong. Being strong is having the courage to look within and begin to heal yourself, not behaving in a way that tries to control everyone else. When you go to confession--if you do--do you blame your actions on everyone else? Look at yourself, look within; not a quick glance, but a long and patient learning about who you are and who you have been and who you want to be. Don't tell me you've done that or you don't need to do that; all of us going through this must look within. It's the only thing we can really control; everything else is an illusion. Stop focusing everywhere else and get to know Phil. You're kind, lovable, generous, a great guy? Maybe; we all have a shadow side, parts of ourselves we don't like. What are those parts for you, Phil? You've got to recognize those, learn to love them too, admit they're part of you; only then can you begin to put them in perspective and heal and begin to be the man God means for you to be.
Go ahead and say something nasty to me, something disrespectful; or just ignore me. Doesn't much matter to me; doing that says much more about you than about me. Or--here's an idea: think about what I've said, what others have said that you don't like, and see if you're pushing away because there's some truth within that makes you uncomfortable. That's the truth that you most need to hear, and that's why it feels uncomfortable.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Until you stop focusing on everything else and begin to focus on yourself, you will not begin to have peace, to heal, to move forward no matter what. You write ad nauseum about what your wife is doing, especially what she is doing to YOU; you point fingers at her and her family and her friends. It's rare to encounter someone with as little capacity for self-reflection as you, Phil, and the sad thing is you'll get nowhere until you learn this. You refuse counseling--which would be a tremendous help--because "you're not the one with the problem." Yeah, we've never heard that line before. You flatly deny any influence on who you are by your family of origin and childhood; you would be the first person in the history of mankind NOT to be formed by their childhood. You consistently tell those with vastly more experience who are trying to help you--on these boards or among your friends--that they are wrong and you are right.
So how's all that working for you, Phil? Are you closer to peace? Any closer to healing your marriage? Any closer to preventing further damage to your precious children from this situation? Any closer to what you want? You keep talking about being strong. Being strong is having the courage to look within and begin to heal yourself, not behaving in a way that tries to control everyone else. When you go to confession--if you do--do you blame your actions on everyone else? Look at yourself, look within; not a quick glance, but a long and patient learning about who you are and who you have been and who you want to be. Don't tell me you've done that or you don't need to do that; all of us going through this must look within. It's the only thing we can really control; everything else is an illusion. Stop focusing everywhere else and get to know Phil. You're kind, lovable, generous, a great guy? Maybe; we all have a shadow side, parts of ourselves we don't like. What are those parts for you, Phil? You've got to recognize those, learn to love them too, admit they're part of you; only then can you begin to put them in perspective and heal and begin to be the man God means for you to be.
Go ahead and say something nasty to me, something disrespectful; or just ignore me. Doesn't much matter to me; doing that says much more about you than about me. Or--here's an idea: think about what I've said, what others have said that you don't like, and see if you're pushing away because there's some truth within that makes you uncomfortable. That's the truth that you most need to hear, and that's why it feels uncomfortable.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Until you stop focusing on everything else and begin to focus on yourself, you will not begin to have peace, to heal, to move forward no matter what. You write ad nauseum about what your wife is doing, especially what she is doing to YOU; you point fingers at her and her family and her friends. It's rare to encounter someone with as little capacity for self-reflection as you, Phil, and the sad thing is you'll get nowhere until you learn this. You refuse counseling--which would be a tremendous help--because "you're not the one with the problem." Yeah, we've never heard that line before. You flatly deny any influence on who you are by your family of origin and childhood; you would be the first person in the history of mankind NOT to be formed by their childhood. You consistently tell those with vastly more experience who are trying to help you--on these boards or among your friends--that they are wrong and you are right.
So how's all that working for you, Phil? Are you closer to peace? Any closer to healing your marriage? Any closer to preventing further damage to your precious children from this situation? Any closer to what you want? You keep talking about being strong. Being strong is having the courage to look within and begin to heal yourself, not behaving in a way that tries to control everyone else. When you go to confession--if you do--do you blame your actions on everyone else? Look at yourself, look within; not a quick glance, but a long and patient learning about who you are and who you have been and who you want to be. Don't tell me you've done that or you don't need to do that; all of us going through this must look within. It's the only thing we can really control; everything else is an illusion. Stop focusing everywhere else and get to know Phil. You're kind, lovable, generous, a great guy? Maybe; we all have a shadow side, parts of ourselves we don't like. What are those parts for you, Phil? You've got to recognize those, learn to love them too, admit they're part of you; only then can you begin to put them in perspective and heal and begin to be the man God means for you to be.
Go ahead and say something nasty to me, something disrespectful; or just ignore me. Doesn't much matter to me; doing that says much more about you than about me. Or--here's an idea: think about what I've said, what others have said that you don't like, and see if you're pushing away because there's some truth within that makes you uncomfortable. That's the truth that you most need to hear, and that's why it feels uncomfortable.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Until you stop focusing on everything else and begin to focus on yourself, you will not begin to have peace, to heal, to move forward no matter what. You write ad nauseum about what your wife is doing, especially what she is doing to YOU; you point fingers at her and her family and her friends. It's rare to encounter someone with as little capacity for self-reflection as you, Phil, and the sad thing is you'll get nowhere until you learn this. You refuse counseling--which would be a tremendous help--because "you're not the one with the problem." Yeah, we've never heard that line before. You flatly deny any influence on who you are by your family of origin and childhood; you would be the first person in the history of mankind NOT to be formed by their childhood. You consistently tell those with vastly more experience who are trying to help you--on these boards or among your friends--that they are wrong and you are right.
So how's all that working for you, Phil? Are you closer to peace? Any closer to healing your marriage? Any closer to preventing further damage to your precious children from this situation? Any closer to what you want? You keep talking about being strong. Being strong is having the courage to look within and begin to heal yourself, not behaving in a way that tries to control everyone else. When you go to confession--if you do--do you blame your actions on everyone else? Look at yourself, look within; not a quick glance, but a long and patient learning about who you are and who you have been and who you want to be. Don't tell me you've done that or you don't need to do that; all of us going through this must look within. It's the only thing we can really control; everything else is an illusion. Stop focusing everywhere else and get to know Phil. You're kind, lovable, generous, a great guy? Maybe; we all have a shadow side, parts of ourselves we don't like. What are those parts for you, Phil? You've got to recognize those, learn to love them too, admit they're part of you; only then can you begin to put them in perspective and heal and begin to be the man God means for you to be.
Go ahead and say something nasty to me, something disrespectful; or just ignore me. Doesn't much matter to me; doing that says much more about you than about me. Or--here's an idea: think about what I've said, what others have said that you don't like, and see if you're pushing away because there's some truth within that makes you uncomfortable. That's the truth that you most need to hear, and that's why it feels uncomfortable.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Until you stop focusing on everything else and begin to focus on yourself, you will not begin to have peace, to heal, to move forward no matter what. You write ad nauseum about what your wife is doing, especially what she is doing to YOU; you point fingers at her and her family and her friends. It's rare to encounter someone with as little capacity for self-reflection as you, Phil, and the sad thing is you'll get nowhere until you learn this. You refuse counseling--which would be a tremendous help--because "you're not the one with the problem." Yeah, we've never heard that line before. You flatly deny any influence on who you are by your family of origin and childhood; you would be the first person in the history of mankind NOT to be formed by their childhood. You consistently tell those with vastly more experience who are trying to help you--on these boards or among your friends--that they are wrong and you are right.
So how's all that working for you, Phil? Are you closer to peace? Any closer to healing your marriage? Any closer to preventing further damage to your precious children from this situation? Any closer to what you want? You keep talking about being strong. Being strong is having the courage to look within and begin to heal yourself, not behaving in a way that tries to control everyone else. When you go to confession--if you do--do you blame your actions on everyone else? Look at yourself, look within; not a quick glance, but a long and patient learning about who you are and who you have been and who you want to be. Don't tell me you've done that or you don't need to do that; all of us going through this must look within. It's the only thing we can really control; everything else is an illusion. Stop focusing everywhere else and get to know Phil. You're kind, lovable, generous, a great guy? Maybe; we all have a shadow side, parts of ourselves we don't like. What are those parts for you, Phil? You've got to recognize those, learn to love them too, admit they're part of you; only then can you begin to put them in perspective and heal and begin to be the man God means for you to be.
Go ahead and say something nasty to me, something disrespectful; or just ignore me. Doesn't much matter to me; doing that says much more about you than about me. Or--here's an idea: think about what I've said, what others have said that you don't like, and see if you're pushing away because there's some truth within that makes you uncomfortable. That's the truth that you most need to hear, and that's why it feels uncomfortable.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
You are one angry individual. Perhaps that is part of the problem with these boards. They compensate for misdirected anger to someone else. Hoosier you think counseling is so great you go. You see none of it matters. Sure identify problems of my past. I already wresteled those demons. I lived them. I saw them. I buried them. I rose myself above that level.
Thanks so much for building me up. I already told you my mornings were rough.
Last night I was having dreams of my wife. Nothing special. She was with me. She was standing next to me being loving. Kind of cuddling. Then her cell phone went off. She didn't answer it. Looked at it. Put on her jacket and left.
I kept waking up. Rolling over and she wasn't there.
You know one of the reasons I think I point out all the stupid crap my wife does is to prove I'm not the crazy one. Am I pointing fingers or just venting. Some seem to think I'm pointing fingers.
I already said I was the battered husband. I'm still getting battered. Maybe the reason I fight back so hard against people is because I am the battered husband. I'm a battered man and I'm trying to protect myself from anymore injury and harm.
Your last post could have inflicted harm if I was in the state of mind I was in a month ago. No I don't choose to be disrepectful to you. I don't choose to ignore you. If you read your post it has a hot tone feeling. I didn't really appreciate it. It wasn't helpful. It was mean spirited.
Look within... constantly looking within. I think I turned myself inside out at least a hundred times.
Some of my minor changes: I make the bed. I do the laundry. I even do the wifes laundry, mostly folding clothes. I am neator person. Wife always said I was a slob. I clean up after myself more. I believe I am kinder to people at work. I used to snap at people at work all the time. I used to snap at people in general because I just could not tolerate stupidity.
You see I'm a computer/network tech basically. I constantly deal with negative and people's non understanding of their use. Only problem is everyone thinks I know everything and I should be able to fix their computer problems. When they will not even take the time and try to research the problem themselves. Then you give people advice and they go and do something totally different then they come back to you, blame you, and ask you to fix it.
Major change: Quit drinking. I spend more time with the kids. One because there is no other choice but too. I'm not focusing on doing home improvements. The house is basically done. Yes there are still things to do but I don't have any energy for them. It is an endurance. You are never done with home improvements.
I don't yell at my kids. I'm stern. I tell once, then I take action. I developed a system at home. If you are acting in poor behavior you get told about it once. Then if you do it again you stand on the square. I have a carpet in the great room that is 8 x 10 and it has 12 squares on it. Each one stands in the corner of the carpet. They hate it. It's only for a couple of minutes. If they continue the behavior I get out the guitar and sing them a silly song as to not act the way they were acting. C chord, I will not hit my brother. D chord, I will not pull my sisters hair. You get the point.
I am developing an extreme amount of patience in dealing with my wife.
