Confused and Bewildered

[7 Year Itch]

Hi, Chris-

I just read your thread and feel like we were with the same person. H is in law enforcement (seems like a lot of people with similar stories have spouses in law enforcement). Anyway, H admits I've changed, but thinks it's "too late". Says it wouldn't be fair to me for him to suggest there is any hope. It always feels like a dagger in my chest when he says things like that. At any rate, I have a question for you. Do you ever start to feel very angry at H and even begin to think "I DON'T EVEN WANT THIS GUY ANYMORE!"? I am really struggling with these thoughts. My mind goes from I love him so much to I cannot believe he did this to me. If you have those feelings how do you keep them in control when around H? I am asking because he is going to drop of daughter in a bit and is staying for dinner. Originally, I was happy about it, but now I'm pissed because he's over an hour late.

Absolutely I have had those thoughts! Especially when my D6 sobs missing her Dad, or asking me WHY we are doing this to "her" etc. It makes me so mad at times, I just want to kill him. But then I have to refocus and remember what I've read on here so many times..."Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?". I try to keep my "eye on the prize" so to speak. I honestly understand how my H got where he is. I was severely depressed the last 2 1/2 years (didn't realize it until it the bomb and I got on medication). I had just had our 2nd child, and the day I gave birth my Mom went into the hopital with a major mental breakdown. We've had a TON of big life stressorst the last 2 years, and well.... I did NOT handle it well. I took all my anger, resentment at life etc, out on my H. I thought he'd always be there, and I took advantage of it. I treated him awful. I honestly understand how he could fall out of love with me as horrible as that is to admit. The part I struggle(d) with this whole time is his lack of wanting to try to bring it back and work on it. THAT was/is the part crushing me. My H is a very
STRONG willed person (aren't all law enforcement people?) and I think got it in his mind that he was done and NOTHING was going to change it. Only in this last week have I started to see the beginnings of a softening. Just the slightest beginnings of him actually testing the waters a bit. For now, it means the WORLD and I just pray we can keep it going.

Hang in there. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But no matter the outcome, it's SO worth it. At the very least I will be able to know that I truly did do EVERYTHING in my power to try to save this, and I will be able to look my girls in their eyes with conviction when we have those woman to woman discussions when they are older, as I explain the importance of commitment.

OK, another post to follow as tonight was interesting again....

Chris

[7 Year Itch]

OK, so regarding the text. You ALL were right. I made too much out of it. He did get it, but was on that sex assault until after midnight last night, then turned around to work his reg. shift starting at 7 this morning. Then he had swat training at the range all day, so he has been way busy and way tired.

So tonight was crazy on many levels. The girls love to play outside when they know Daddy is coming so they can watch for him. So they were out front playing and I was inside. Next thing I know my D's come running inside saying they are so scared, we just had a tornado etc..... they were WAY frightened. I told them no, it was probably just a dirt devil or something. So I look in our backyard, and OMG.... our Wood Playset was completely toppled over and mangled! There is no way it was a tornado but I think we must have had a microburst or seriously scary dirt devil So our $1000.00 play structure we've had all of 2 years is destroyed! UGH! IT happened right before H got here, so he was shocked when he pulled up and saw it.

So the night started with him trying to sort of get stuff pushed to the side, and stored a bit before he can get back here to try to fix it all. I made a dinner (one of his faves) and they all came in to eat. So we ate, and then he went outside to play with the girls. The girls were on meltdown tonight, and it was one time out after another with them (not a great visit night). I figured as soon as he got them down he would be OUTTA here since he was so exhausted. He came into the bedroom, and I stood up to give him a hug and say goodnight ,and he goes.. "Oh, I was just coming in to stretch out and lay down for a second". I was surprised and said. "Oh, ok....... well go ahead". I then asked if he'd like me to rub his back or arms (he is a sniper and shooting his AR all day really hurts his shoulders etc...)or anything. I then made a joke and said. "don't worry, I won't try to molest you or anything ,I started my P today". LOL To which he replied. "Oh ,so you won't take care of ME then?". So um yeah........... you can guess what happens next. Yep, intimate again........ 4th day in a row!

So we get up, and I go to walk him to the door and I ask him to text me when he gets home because he's so tired that I'm worried (he is staying an hour and 15 minutes from where we are) and he says. "I'll just call you really quick". (another good sign?). So then I asked for a kiss, and guess what..... I got my FIRST kiss where he actually kissed back in 3 1/2 months! Now it was not passionate, it was not an open mouth romantic kiss. But he actually moved his lips and kissed back! Progress???

I then (I'm such a DB failure, no one should do ANYTHING I do! LOL) said.............."We're going to be ok Chris!"to which he looked at me and said... "That's what you keep saying", and I said......" I know it!". And he just sort of smiled.

God, I'm so scared to feel positive. So so scared. This is the first progress I have seen at all in all this time. I feel like I"m starting to feel some hope for the first time coming from him (not coming from me and my faith) and it scares me to death.

Anyway..... we won't see him a lot this weekend. He'll come see the girls Friday night, then Sat. and Sun there is a huge music festival in his city this weekend and ALL the officers have to work it, so he won't be out to see the girls again until Monday. I have my first counseling session with my new counselor on Monday and it's early, so I sort of put the "seed" in his head and said that if he wanted to come here after the festival on Sunday night and stay the night, then he wouldn't have to get up as early to come out to see the girls so I could get on to my appt. HE said he'd consider it. So we'll see. I know it's a long shot, and I'm SURE he wouldn't stay in the bed with me, but wow, just to have him in the house could be great.

Anyway. I'm on a high right now, just waiting to hear that phone call when he makes it home. God I just hope he can start to feel something for me again. Just one spark I know we can build on.

Chris

[Changed Woman]

Wow! Sounds like you really are headed in the right direction! I wish I could stop backsliding! I screwed up again last night after 3 days of being good...back at square one and H threatened to stop coming in when he drops off D because I always ask the same questions. Did anything like that every happen with you? What did you do when it did?

[LolaL]

Oh Chris that is so great! I have to tell you, reading your thread and a few others is giving me such great hopes that this really does work...I understand your feeling that you are afraid to feel positive, but there is no reason to not feel good. I am beginning to realize that feeling good with no expectation is okay too...as long as you keep that in mind. Baby steps...I am so happy for you!!!

[ms ladybug]

Wow Chris! I hope you see how BIG that is that he responded to "we're going to be OK" with "that's what you keep saying." He COULD have said, "you need to stop saying that", "I don't want to give you false hope", etc... He didn't CONFIRM what you said, but he FAR FROM denied it either. Which, makes me think he's thinking some.
NOW STOP! Woman, you need to give this man some SPACE!
I see so much hope for you sitch, but you seem to be a bit "smothering". You don't need to stop all contact, or go dark or anything like that, but back off a bit. Quit making comments about how you two are going to be OK. You're making me nervous!

Just how many of us law enforcement wives are there here?? It's scary.

[pisces9]

yay chris! i agree with Mrs L- he could have said alot when you said we will be ok- im sure the "bed time" helped! ha ha
and yes be happy- i am in the same boat about not wanting to get too excited or happy- but it shard not to!

and you are doing so well- STOP calling yourself a DB failure- that is bad to tell yourself even jokingly bc it could seep into your mind....PMA PMA!

congrats! GAL and space- let him conatact you

[klm]

Yeah, what Ms. L said!!

He is showing a lot of positive signs, but be careful not to smother him. Give him space to think.

[7 Year Itch]

NOW STOP! Woman, you need to give this man some SPACE!
I see so much hope for you sitch, but you seem to be a bit "smothering".

I know, I know. I just felt the first twinges of hope and went running with it. I need to take a breath, act as if and keep plugging along, slow and steady. Keep reminding me ok! LOL

Chris

[klm]

Slow and steady is hard to remember....especially when they start showing progress. Just try to be patient.

[pisces9]

im on the PATIENCE bus too- we can ride together! slow and steady!