I understand that people can be hard to deal with at times. However, HOW you react is on you, not her. If you jammed a piece of pizza in her face, you should own up to the fact that it was wrong - don't excuse it away.
It was abusive.
Originally Posted By: LostPhil
My parents are divorced. My dad remarried and has been married for thrity years.
My mom never remarried, but has been engaged. She broke it off with the man.
Perhaps I do have some violence issue in my past that have come out against my wife. Which states why my wife says I'm abusive. It's just funny because I was talking to my buddy about this. Our spouses can beat on us, punch us, verbally abuse us, and if we do one little thing like push them out of our way we become the woman beaters. I threw a couch pillow at my wife when we were dating and the corner caught her wrong and gave her a black eye. She was calling me a woman beater. I threw the pillow at her because she was yelling at me and I just wanted her to stop.
The pizza incident. She was screaming at me. I was tired. It was late and I was trying to get some dinner. She was on the phone b|tching about me to her girlfriend and saying all kinds of horrible things. That's why I jammed a piece of pizza in her face.
My wife has a knack for never knowing when to quit. Like I said in previous post. I did fight back at times or after the millionth time of not being able to take it anymore.
I mean it just gets old when someone is in your face screaming at you all the time about stupid stuff.
My wife would flip out on me about me watching something on TV because she thought it was too sexual or something. She would flip out if I left crumbs in the sink. She would flip out if I walked in the house with saw dust on my feet. She would flip out over everything.
I would generally state that I'm a passive person when it comes to fighting. I avoid fighting at all costs. Even physical fights I would avoid at all costs.
Really the more I reflect on these things and her behavior. I don't want her to come back. It is nice being alone. Be quiet. Not worrying about pleasing someone else. Not dealing with the nasty comments. Not dealing with the constant verbal abuse. No more tit for tat.
You know I think I was just treating her like she was treating me insult for injury and that's why we are were we are now.
She was a control freak, and I didn't let her control me. When she figured out I wasn't going to be controlled she gave up. Now she has total control over me.
Will I loose my house? Will she file for child support? Will she divorce me? Will she take me for half the equity of the house? Will she do this? Will she do that?
Really Amy, I can't even look into tomorrow. Yes I do love the woman. I believe she is wrestling with things inside her all her life and I'm the target.
Comment she made. My mom treats my dad like sh|t and he never called her a b|tch. However dad would vent to me about it. He would say it under his breath. Well that's because we are different. You didn't marry your daddy.
Really I don't know why I'm hear pouring my feelings all out.
I feel so sick...
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
I think I handled her well yesterday. I could have very easily snapped back at her at the game. I just asked her to knock it off. Her comments really didn't affect me. I mean I looked over at her and I just felt sorry for her. There is nothing I can do to help her anymore.
Then just now I had an epiphany.
There is nothing I can do to help her anymore. But there is. I can stop making it worse.
You know I looked over at her and I said she isn't my wife. She is someone else. I don't love the person she is now. I loved the woman before this new person came before the aliens came and go her. Is she really different?
She never really grew up. She isn't different she just got worse and she took it to a different level.
Amy in your last post I guess I'm finding some things in it difficult to comprehend at the moment.
"But know that God WILL let you do just that. And you will get nowhere fast. So it's your call Phil."
Kind of sounds like you are telling me to look back to go forward. Idle... Like keep the car just running.
God will let me do what???? I'm confused here...
However this I understand throughly. "This Hell is shaping me."
Maybe what you said here gave me the epipthany. What am I going to do on my part?
Let her go... I do believe I have. I didn't feed into her drama yesterday. I walked my family to the car. I didn't try to hug, kiss, or touch my wife. As we were walking up the walk and I was carrying my son. I was smiling. A woman sitting by the walk smiled at me and said Hello. I talked to her at the last game. Now normally I would not have even looked in a direction of another woman in the presence of my wife, because my wife would accuse me of looking at an attractive woman.
Yes that's right I wasn't aloud to do that either.
I have a job interview today. I do not even want to go. Because I just do not want to deal with rejection.
The mountain Amy doesn't seem as high, but I would still rather bore a hole through it to get to the other side. I think it would be more cost affective.
It isn't that impossible. I'm starting to think I'm better off without her.
KS, I did own up to it. I did apologize for it. The next day I felt absolutely horrible for doing it. It was an impluse reaction, but that doesn't excuse it. I am truly sorry for doing it.
Spiting water in her face. Nah she deserved that. I heard that if you put water on someone that is being a beoch they melt. But it didn't work.
The remote control weapon. I wish I had a nickle for everytime my wife throw the remote control at me. I would always calmly say. Dear the remote control isn't a good weapon. They are expensive and you break them. This one you just broke was a custom remote control for the X10 controllers, now I have to fix it. Thanks. I would say. I really wish you would decide to throw something else. Maybe something that is yours.
You see 99.9999999% of the time I would never respond to her violence or to her verbal abuse. It was the 1/10th of 1% times that got me into trouble.
Yes, I'm kidding. I should not have spit water in her face despite what she has ever done to me. I was just getting tired of it. Look if you provoke even the most docile people long enough they react to your violence with violence.
I know you are trying to help. But if you said you have been reading then changing the locks is not an option for me right now. I asked her for the key when I was locked out and when I gave it back she said she didn't want it.
I told her I wanted her to have it.
One of my complaints was how bad it is going to suck and not come home from work and the kids be here. She said she would do that on occassion.
Another thing about the key. Before she left she said don't worry I'll come and give you booty calls. When I asked for the key she said how am I going to give you booty calls.
Ok now I'm wondering when we are going to get to the booty call stage. Was this just her way of lying so that could just keep coming home checking up on things. Waiting for me to fail.
Does she expect me to go out and buy a case of beer? Does she expect me to have parties at our house and have wild woman over?
She always accused me of cheating on her. I never did. I'm not going to now. We are still married. That doesn't give me a free pass.
One time she even said before the bomb. Go out and get lovings somewhere else just don't bring anything home.
Other times she would say. Here I am doing my wifely duty.
Then she would inquire me at times as to how frequent I would like to be intimate with her. I said everyday, but I know that just isn't going to happen.
Dang prove again about bullsh|t. "I never felt like you were there for me." I wanted to make love to my wife everyday. How much more there for them could you be.
Of course she never like calling it making love. She said it was always sex. Well that's her terminology not mine. More justification on her part.
I'm seeing her side. I call it making love. That's affection. She calls it sex. That isn't affection. By her definitions I wasn't there for her.
Amy in your last post I guess I'm finding some things in it difficult to comprehend at the moment.
"But know that God WILL let you do just that. And you will get nowhere fast. So it's your call Phil."
Kind of sounds like you are telling me to look back to go forward. Idle... Like keep the car just running.
God will let me do what???? I'm confused here...
However this I understand throughly. "This Hell is shaping me."
That's exactly what I'm telling you. To go forward, I think you will first have to go back. Many of us do. To understand how we contributed to the mess we're in. Much of the time, the answers are in our childhood because that's where we were shaped.
We here on the board have seen things in you that you do not see in yourself. Obstinance, immaturity, general dysfunction (don't be offended. Everyone one of us can represent the same). Anyway in my opinion the roots of those things were exposed when I asked you about your parents...I think you will follow a similar path that many of us followed in that we first had to go back in order to understand why we became the person that eventually ended up HERE. Am I making sense?
You however, do not HAVE to do, go or face anything. God isn't going to make you. But if you seek - if you choose to look for the root. He will expose it.
And you will begin to become the man He intends for you to be.
Generally speaking, Phil - When you start worrying more about Phil and less about how to work around your wife's dysfunctional and piss-poor attitude you will be better off and so will your kids.
Phil, Amy is right. worry about you for now. if you have a chance read Amy's letter to Mrs. H. it was the most eye opening letter i have read on the boards. It will touch your soul to the core. You will understand a whole lot more if you read it. Ask Amy if she can attach it to your thread.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
You however, do not HAVE to do, go or face anything. God isn't going to make you. But if you seek - if you choose to look for the root. He will expose it.
And you will begin to become the man He intends for you to be.
In the past someone said in a prayer that prayed I wish you to help Phil find the man you intend him to be.
What you are saying I have to look for the root. Unless of course you are talking in circles.
If I become the man he intends me to be then she might come back?
So which is it Amy?
Anyway, I believe I have saw the root. Of course there are many things going on inside my head and the turmoil I was going through I could not even express into words.
I know what my parents did. I know how it has affected me. I believe I was going down a path to avoid their mistakes.
I know I'm not an alcoholic. My wife called me one everyday, and she did it in front of the kids. In the beggining of our marriage my wife would call my mother all the time and complain that I was an alcoholic. My mother is an alcoholic. There was crap that went on in my childhood that she did I couldn't never fathom to forget.
Recently I have forgiven my Mother. I took me over ten years. Yes I have forgiven her but I have not forgotton.
My wife doesn't know what an alcoholic is. Ok yes at times I have consumed too much. Who hasn't? Yes at time I consumed too much because the control freak wife told me I wasn't aloud to do it.
Now the issue with my Father. I recently told him I loved him. I think my Dad and I are ok. We had a rough patch when I was about 18, but he lost that battle. He tried to get physical with me and I laughed in his face. I took his arm, put him in a half nelson and pinned him down to the floor. I said dude, old man dude. If I hit you you are going to the hospital, and I'm not going to hit you because you are my father and I have too much respect for that title. He never tried to get physical with me again. It was the first and last time.
What I'm saying is Amy. I think I have addressed these demons.
Phil, making amends with people who harmed you mentally, physically or emotionally (albeit unintentionally) is forgiveness. It is required, yes. But you haven't addressed the demons that have been with you ever since until you lay them down and are raised up above them. It takes God to make those kinds of changes in a person. Whom the Son sets free is free indeed...
Think broader than this:
Quote:
In the past someone said in a prayer that prayed I wish you to help Phil find the man you intend him to be.
What you are saying I have to look for the root. Unless of course you are talking in circles.
If I become the man he intends me to be then she might come back?
So which is it Amy?
I am not talking in circles.
Change Phil. Make Phil happy and healthy. Do it because your heart first wants whatever God has in store for you.
Leave your wife to God.
If you set out on this path just to win her back you will have a very difficult time.
