Good morning-

Oh, I'm just drained today. I didn't get to sleep until nearly 1:00 am. I wish I could say that it was a very long, productive talk that kept me up, but I can't. We did talk, but not for very long.

Comments from H and myself.......

H: So, do you have any open credit? HD Tv's are a lot cheaper these days and I thought maybe you'd want to buy a new one now instead of moving that old one (HUGE, HEAVY tv).

Me: I don't know if I do or not.

H: You seem to be in a hurry to get rid of me.

M: H, please don't put this on me. You've asked me for months to get my stuff in order and find a place. You even tossed rental ads at me on Sunday mornings telling me....You might want to look at these. You told me back in Dec. that you thought we needed space from each other. You also told me that you had your plans set. Don't make this out to be something I pushed for.

H: I know. I hope we can at least remain friends.

Me: Do you honestly think that I don't want a good relationship with you? I do want a good relationship with you. I think we need to be apart from each other. I can't do this anymore with someone else in our lives. I can't live anymore waking up at 2:00 am, seeing you not here and knowing where you're at.

H: You don't know where I am.

Me: Exactly. I should know where you are. I'm your wife.

H: I go workout. How do you think I lost this weight?

Me: I know you workout, but I also know that you go other places too. Please, can we just stop denying this. We both know. And in regards to your weight loss and working out....I did notice. I commented a few times, but you didn't want to hear it from me. Coming from me it meant nothing. I also didn't feel like it was meant for me. I know you did this for you because you didn't feel well, but the tanning & the excessive working out wasn't to impress me.

Me: What about the reasons you've gone to the doctor and the pills you've gotten? I've snooped a few times to just try to figure out what's going on with you. How do you think I feel knowing you went to the doctor for pills and I had no knowledge of it.

H: They benefited you.

Me: If they were for us, why do you keep them in your car?

H: SILENT!

Me: What about D4. We need to talk to her. She's not going to understand. I don't want her to think this is her fault.

H: We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Me: H, tonight she told me that you were taking her to McDonald's for breakfast tomorrow. She told me....Mommy, daddy still loves you. I was shocked and asked her to repeat herself. She said, Mommy, daddy still loves you because OW isn't going with us tomorrow. (H didn't know what to say). H, she's a very smart, observant little girl.

H: I know she is.

Me: What is the deal with the new home builder sending you things?

H: So I looked at a Condo. My buddy lives there with his family and they had some open places. It's not a big deal.

Me: Why is it that we do so much better talking over the phone than in person?

H: We're talking now.

Me: I know that, but we haven't done this in a long time. I just have a feeling that we're going to do a lot more talking when we're apart than we do now and I hate that. I want to talk to you, but I hate that we lost the ability to do look at each other and talk up to now.

H: I know.

Not much else was said. It's hard to know how to divide up your belongings when someone has no idea what they're doing or where they're going. We're going to try to go out on Saturday and do some talking then. Hard to find a babysitter for D4 though.

I told someone that I really thought I was ready for this but the past few days have thrown me for a complete loop. I'm not feeling as prepared or strong as I had before.

SueS


ME: 42, H: 42, D6
Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs.
Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009
Status: Working on it day by day