Trying ... well if you can call it that, I guess.

[Abbey]

Michelle, ... yeah,... selfish a/hs frankly. I have to say, pushing back hard has been empowering to me. I just simply will not allow him to pull and push me where he wants me to be at any given moment. Controlling how I react is really starting to sink in. I do find that I still have to side step and shield myself from friends and whatnot cuz it just still hurts so freaking much, BUT, going dark to me was the best thing for me to do. He ain't giving up the parasite,... then he doesn't get to keep stringing me along. Ya know?

One thing is for certain he DOES blame me 100% for this marriage break up. Absolutely NO responsibility from him. NONE. Isn't that just duckie, eh? A family member with whom I have kept contact has confirmed what I've known instinctively all along... that he believes I had this affair that I didn't have... and is NOW using that to justify his own actions so he doesn't have to look in the mirror. Blame and guilt aren't on his agenda... looking in the mirror would force him to know his part in this break down. INSTEAD... he's busying himself by licking his paws and trying to show himself that finding someone who "APPRECIATES" him (the parasite)... shows he's the good guy here, and that I simply didn't appreciate what I had... and treated him badly.

Bloody turtling - alien abducted - denial centered - emotional coward!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*smile*
Abbey

[The Wifey]

Abbey,

You didn't deserve him. I mean you didn't deserve a Bloody turtling - alien abducted - denial centered - emotional coward!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! for a husband. You are a good person. You will get past this.

We don't hang out with just anyone here, you know. You have to be special. YOU ARE SPECIAL!!!

[Abbey]

I know he certainly doesn't deserve ME

Frankly, ... I'm working really hard not to think of him at all. The man I used to know is... gone. Don't know his ETA for coming back to earth ...or if he'll every pass by the galaxy again.

Yeah, anger has now sort of gotten into my frame of mind. He really is rather lucky I didn't hit him or think about dumping a drink over his head at the resto a while back.

Go have his fairy tale life.... *rolls eyes* It's enough to make ya sick, ya know?

Abbey

[MichelleLT]

Yeah, I'm wondering if mine will ever either.

But whatever.

I'm find w/o him. *shrugs* It's where I am unfortunately.

[Abbey]

Michelle... do you still waiver as to whether you'd go back or not?

I know I do. One minute, I couldn't care less if he and I ever see each other again. And other times, I miss him still so badly that my body hurts. The thing is, the lies, the deception is the thing that has put me in a place where I'm just simply disgusted beyond repair. (Or shall I say it's how I feel right now.)

I mean, does a MLC and/or such confusion over what is our very screwed up sitch (the lies he was helped to believe about me etc)... as well as his "issues"... ever really excuse the ultimate choices he's made and things he's done, and how much he's hurt me.

I mean the person *I* am, I won't change, and I DO understand where those issues he's dealing with can lead someone to that. But... on the other hand,... how do or would I ever, ever... ever begin to reconcile it all enough to forgive? I dunno.

I guess I"m not holding out hope that he'd ever *understand* what he'd done to me, let alone be sympathetic and apologetic enough to warrant my willingness to try and get past it all. And yet a small part of my heart (the part I've now protected and where I still love him)... wants to.

I said to my T,... it'll take a lightning bolt and miracle from God, himself to fix this mess. Those are really my odds. Never mind that he's engaged in a relationship that's statistically doomed. Mega-statistically so, actually. It comes down for me to... what he'd be prepared to do to fix this, and help fix the hurt he's caused. As of now, (and I admit, my memories of him being a kind sweet and loving man are dim at present)... I can't see him capable of it. He'd have to come to a very deep understanding of himself AND his part of the break down of the marriage.

Mount Everest, if you know what I mean.

It seems so very strange to love someone so much (in protected mode version)and yet work and try and be so determined to try not to think of him AT ALL.

Abbey

[The Wifey]

(((Michelle and Abby)))

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1522528&page=0&fpart=2

I'm looking for some well-swung 2x4's. Its the only thing that is going to help, I'm afraid.

[MichelleLT]

Where I am right now, he's pushed me too far. I don't want him back.

Could he ever change my mind? Perhaps. I guess time will tell.

(((Abbey)))

[Abbey]

Sad part is, mine is being nice to me on outward appearances. I'm leary... if you know what I mean. IT's like, he's taken to enjoying lying to me, seeming to be a good guy by being "my friend", or at least outwardly friendly on the phone and such. It's rather interesting how he views this whole thing as MY fault and he's the good guy for still being "nice" to me.

Never mind the lies, never mind the deception, never mind that I KNOW about this crap...I honestly believe that he still thinks I'm too stupid to notice or know or something. Duh. I still can't get this picture out of my head of his face when I walked out on him and told him to get stuffed with his lies and his cheating etc.

It's like I have nothing to be hurt about, nothing to be sad about... all my fault. It's like he's considering himself as being the "bigger" man, if you get what I"m saying.

Effing amazing really.

I *still* love the man he once was. Well,... what I assumed he once was. And since it's not like someone is pointing a gun at my head to be their new girlfriend or anything... May as well keep doing the get a life thing, dark thing, (hope I pass my exam to'row thing).... and then go have some FUN thing for the rest of the summer.

I'm tired of being sad. Being away from him is a relief right now.... and yet, I know another time, another place, he'd be SOOOO thrilled at what I'm doing. (Part of my plan of the 180)... that he'd be helping me, and encouraging me and in like flint about these courses. That makes me sad... he's missing something REALLLLLLLY exciting and something at one time he would have done cartwheels at what I'm up to.

Abbey

[Abbey]

Journaling:
I got my first exam mark back today. I passed. Toot toot... 96%

I wasn't even sure I passed... funny, I never know about these things.

NOW... getting on with my GAL/dark/LRT plan... I have some fun for the rest of the summer and the last 2 courses I do in the fall.

AND I spent the day with one of my best friends and she said... You did very well today... you never teared up all day! Baby steps.

Abbey - who had a good day.

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Abbey, I've been reading and I cant believe this business with your H and your 'affair'. Does he really really believe that you did, but you really didnt !?? Thats incredible.

It seems to be a big stumbling block for you and you are clearly angry about it. I dont know, i am sure others would disagree, but is there anymore you could do to convince him that its not true? Can the other guy confirm to him that you never had a PA with him? Or could you write a letter denying it one last time? It seems grossly unfair to me and I cant stand injustice like that, to be accused of something you didnt do and for it to have such huge implications, I feel angry for you!

Hey well done on passing the exam, thats huge and its really hard to concentrate at a time like this. Whats this fun you have planned for the summer??

I am amazed that your H is having an A with a 27 year old with 4 kids and no wonder her H is cut up that she has walked out (shes a WAS right!). Her kids must be very young, if she is only 27. Thats alot for your H to take on, its mind boggling. Neverlone that its totally and utterly unhealthy to walk straight out of a 19 year R into another R, with no gap in between. It sounds like your H is indeed running from something.

You are right to go NC I think in this sitch, as he has treated you unfairly and it clearly hurts you so much, I guess nothing can be gained from trying to see him....although do you follow Lisas thread? (OneDay) - she has continued to see her H and be his friend and act as if around him, eventhough he has had an OW for a year now. She is very strong and I dont know how she does it, but her H continues to want to see her. Just a thought.

Thinking of you Abbey, glad you are keeping your chin up and trying to get on and do a few things for yourself. Its really unfair this life change thats landed on you, as it is for most of us here, but maybe some good will come out of it afterall...

Ali xxx