I have never posted here but have been a LONG time lurker....
I too am from the land of Crimson. At least I think you indicated at one point that you were from the countries heart.
I have been following your story and both learning and cheering for you.
As I have said, I haven't posted here but I am a success story!!! Well, everyone is a success story...some just not as they desire in the beginning.
Here's the real skinny skinny...April of 06', I got the bomb. Started off doing all the wrong stuff as we typically do. Found DB and tried to grasp it. Wife went off the deep end as they typically do. 6 months later family convinced me to file for my own sanity and safety of the kids. The roller coaster was too much. I told her what I was going to do and her reply was simply "OK". Divorce granted...me full custody of two....kept house....blah, blah, blah. I believe that it was at this point that I got the true meaning of DB and started to form my new life. And guess what, it was at this point that she started seeing that I was changing.
I always felt that what all transpired with us wasn't meant to be and that there were too many pressures from outside that nudged the path, but it is what it is.....
Fast forward to Sept. 07'.....Beginning of school year and son is struggling a bit. Most interaction over the past year had been drop offs and conversations regarding kids. We had basically formed into the typical divorce routine. We had our own lives. K, back to son in school.....I sent an email one afternoon in frustration basically telling the wife that the kids need both parents and that while a I do my darndest to be strong for the kids, I wish she was by my side and together we watch the kids grow up.
My intent of that email wasn't to ask her to get back together, it was more to figure out how to work together on the kids school but what transpired from that email is a miracle...
Cutting to the chase....basically we started doing things as a family and started spending a lot of time together. The friendship grew strong and we rediscovered each other. The new each of us.
Today we are 9 months into our new relationship. We have not followed the prescribed path but have blazed our own trail. We are a family unit once again. Every day is new hope for each of us and we truely get why 2we have the other.
I guess I am sharing this with you as I hope that I can give back to this place and help a few find the path for "them".
I have some thoughts about your situation coming from my perspective....these are all things that have been discussed post getting back together in the myriad of conversations over the past 9 months.
1. Find your own way and begin to mold YOUR life.....I found that it was often the times when I would start to make changes that didn't include her that it was noticed. I.E. Painted the exterior of house and she LOVED the choice of colors. Didn't think I was that good at style. But this impressed her... POINT: THEY DO NOTICE THE CHANGES!!! They just won't tell you they do. So don't do it for them!!!
2. You seem to be doing well on being able to blend remaining manly and showing some heart. However, often times it has been translated by me that when you are conversing with your wife, it is all very calculated. I believe that your responses are excellent for the most part, but they seem to be directed as you saying what she wants to hear. This will catch up to you....I know it is tough but sometimes, telling them what they don't want to hear is also just as powerful. ;-) Kind of like the 2 x 4's around here... There is a fine line between compassion and being a pushover.
And last but for sure the most important.......
HAVE ABSOLUTELY ZERO EXPECTATIONS!!!!!! Once you achieve this, it's when you truely begin to move forward in your direction.
You are doing well...stay the course and know that you are ok regardless of what she does.
On a side note....apparently the press don't have much expectation for our new man Bo....3rd in the North?!?!?
Welcome anewlife...
I appreciate you stoppin by and sharing your insight and POV. It warms my heart to see that you are on a much better road with your W and that things are beginning to meld back together and the family unit is once again becoming whole congrats to you.
I agree that sometimes it is the outside influences & pressures, the day to day grind has alot to do with a lot of sitch's. Those pressures can become unbearable and compund the most basic of problems when communication breaks down and resentment and anger build up, it is almost an unbeatable foe.
That is what DB'ing is all about finding yourself and reemerging as a whole person again, doing things that are for 'you' and begin to like who you are becoming. Yes changes are noticed not always voiced, but at times you can catch a glimpse of them watching, the more you change the more they question their position in all of this. When my W senses that I am moving on is when she tends to reach out abit more as though she doesn't want to get left behind.
I find this interesting that you term some of my responses as 'calculated' and what 'she' wants to hear. I can assure you that this is the furthest from the truth. In the past when I would speak to W, it was always in a belittling manner, I felt I was a tick better than her and my responses to her would be for my gain or basically to get her to be quiet in all honesty. I never knew how to really speak from the heart it was always with logic. This is what I have been working on the most is communication and not taking the time to think but to be human and allow myself to show that.
I appreciate that you pointed this out cause if the old me is still showing up on what I say on this board then I still have more work to do, saying what I had to or what 'she' wanted to hear is exactly what I have tried to change, my goal was to say what I felt and if by saying that if it filled her bucket up then it would be a win win situation.
I am staying my path and continuing to 'do work'
The College world of football, is not going to know what to do when Bo takes the field with the Huskers of old watch out, the Big Red Machine is going to roll once again.
