The Longest Journey

[Jen_Jam]

Sometimes I get into a head space where I think he can't possibly be as changed as I am because I went through DBing.

oh YES!!!! I know EXACTLY what you mean!!! I sometimes think "I did DB'ing, it changed MY life, it made ME a lot happier and what did YOU do? Nothing! Just sat there and WAITED for the bad times to pass".

But what's wrong with this picture? Well, to me it smacks of "everything would be great if YOU changed". I was ignoring the small signs that H had changed. I was looking for him to do things MY way (ie the DB way). But he has changed. He got there, and he did it HIS way, which for him is the ONLY way. I can't make him do things my way, the most I can do is make suggestions to him, but I cannot and will not make decisions for him.

After I went through this stage of being resentful that I had done all this great work on me and H (to my eyes) had done nothing, I had a bit of an aha moment. it was last July, I drove 400 miles in one day to Scotland at the last minute to go to my favourit aunt's funeral. I was shattered! I spoke to my parents, who were going, they were worried, H was worried, and I realised between Newcastle and Edinburgh that people care about me. It was a bit of an emotional time but I made the decision that I was going to stop living in the past. I was expecting my parents to nag and tell me off for making such a long journey in one day. They were worried, that was all. I expected H to be "oh OK, off you go, see you later" and he was worried. I decided to stop treating both my parents and H as i had done before and start accepting what I saw in front of me, they were just worried.

It was a great moment. I then went to and decided that I was no longer going to let what had gone on in the past (i didn't get on too well with my parents) affect my present. i decided to stop living my life to suit what other people thought I should do and start living it for what **I ** wanted. I had just got myself a job as a manager - I quit that 6 weeks later cos it wasn't what I wanted to do.

I looked at the evidence in front of my eyes - parents and a H who CARED. I realised I was lucky to have that and I was darned well going to start enjoying it. I said "stuff the past! I am one darned great individul and from now on I'm going to appreciate what i do have rather than moaning about what i don't have".

A year later ... it's served me well. I have a lot of good in my life. Any changes I want to make, I start with me. If I need help, I ask for it. It works for me.

Do I think I'll ever get bombed again? Maybe. I cannot control the future, all I can do is focus on the present and make that as enjoyable as I can.

Gosh - didn't quite mean to post so much, and it's all about me - sorry about that, I mean for you to read this and see what fits with you too.

Take care SD You're doing really well, Summer 2008 for me is shaping up to be similar to Summer 2006 - care to join me?