Can't sleep so I'll post some more. Toward the end of the last thread I had an insight that had escaped me til now. My sitch was that I escaped mentally from the difficulties of my life by fantasizing about my old boyfriend. I thought it didn't hurt my marriage because it was just in my mind. It was more than in my mind though, I was in contact with him occasionally by phone and once every 7 or 8 years we might even see each other and be physical.
My insight is that the EA was a betrayal of my marriage because I withdrew from emotional intimacy with my H and instead had emotional intimacy with OM. I had hopes and dreams of a life with him...someday. This withdrawal of emotional intimacy, of no longer dreaming of the future with my H, set in motion the series of events which, over a period of years, finally led my husband to have an affair with his old girlfriend.
Yes, the physical betrayal was bad, but it was not what really ruined my marriage. It was the emotional betrayal. I don't think I had ever realized that before.
When my H had an affair, and I discovered it, it caused a crisis point in our marriage. The question for both of us was: Stay or Go? And we didn't know what to do. Certainly unraveling 28 years of togetherness would be incredibly difficult. And my OM wasn't leaving his wife, so really I had nothing to leave for.
My friends were surprised after Retrouvaille when they saw that we were so nice to each other and happy together. They were surprised that I had forgiven him. Of course, I forgave him, I had done the same as him. Forgiveness was the only option. Without forgiveness by both of us, we couldn't change. We would be stuck where we were, angry and nursing hurts.
People tell me that we are the model couple because we forgave each other and got back together. Maybe that is true, maybe until you have a trial by fire and survive it, maybe you are untested. Maybe getting along before the crisis is just luck, but after the crisis it is a choice. Love is a choice. Forgiveness is a choice. Commitment is a choice. Trust grows out of those choices. And it takes all four to have a happy marriage.
