Well, the conversation came a little earlier than expected.
WISH IT COULD HAVE BEEN MORE OF A PLANNED MEETING BUT THIS MAY HAVE BEEN THE ONLY WAY.
Roomie got home. Picked up some things from wallymart for girls. She then told them it would be a project. For their beds. The girls ask if they are taking the beds with them. Roomie says yes. Roomie is in kitchen getting something to eat.
I ask, "You are taking the beds?" "Yes." "Why. They should stay here.? "Where are they going to sleep?" "The girls are not going to live with you." "Yes they are."
RED FLAG- SHE IS STILL HOPING YOU WILL LET THEM LIVE WITH HER ALL THE TIME? SHE SAID ONCE CHILDREN SHOULD BE WITH THEIR MOTHERS. UH OH.
"No, they are going to live with US. Both of us. Equal time." She looks at me. "Keeps the beds. We'll start from scratch." "Come talk to me" as I point to bedroom.
We kind of lay on bed. Facing each other. I am explaining 50/50 to her. Again. "Then I guess we have to let the lawyers handle it."
YEP SHE IS GOING FOR FULL CUSTODY.
I asked if she understood. It is what the girls deserve. Both of us equal time. She kept asking what that meant. One week, two weeks? I tell her it is up to us to decide what we think is best.
What followed gets kind of hazey.
I tell her that I guess I have to do what I have to do. I start to ask her questions. Does she have any intention of giving OM up? She says that it has nothing to do with anything. She starts to say I belittle her.
AVOIDANCE.
She can't talk to me.
BLAME.
I ask her to give examples, because I don't see it. I tell her that I get angry at what she is doing with OM. How could I not. She tells me that I throw things at her. I say, "What?!"
Like the charger. I was just charging... "What you secret affair phone?" "I have other peoples number on it." "How come I don't know the number?" "Because I'm not ready to give it to you." "Well lets see it. Lets see what is on it. Go get it." Blank look. "No." "I thought so."
GOOD JOB, H4H. REALITY CHECK FOR HER.
I ask her again, "Tell me. Honestly. You can't or you won't give him up?" "It makes no difference."
AVOIDANCE
"Yes, it does." She doesn't want to be with me. She doesn't want to work on us. I tell her that I want to be able to tell myself and my kids that I tried everything. She said, "Well, I guess I won't be able to say that. You'll be the hero."
AVOIDANCE OF THE REAL ISSUE. CONDESCENDING AS WELL.
"I don't want to be the hero. I just want to be a good dad."
AND YOU LOVE HER AND YOU THINK THAT YOU AND YOUR KIDS DESERVE ONE LAST CHANCE.
"About F'ing time!"
I tear into her. How she wants to change everything about us. About me to justify what she is doing. I tell her my relation with our kids is not based on "doing" stuff with them. Its about BEING with them. Being there for them. To support them. To love them. Tell them I love them, and be able to show my affection to them. Its not about going out and taking them somewhere or going out and throwing a ball. More to it than that. How her reality in her head is not always the reality outside her head.
"How did you expect me to act with you cheating and flaunting it?" "I don't flaunt it." "You do. And HOW do you expect me to take it? To act?" Pause "I guess the way you are."
GOOD JOB.
"What did you really expect me to do when I found out?" "I guess I thought that you would divorce me. And you didn't."
AND WHY DIDN'T I DIVORCE YOU? BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND I BELIEVE YOU LOVE ME TOO AND I BELIEVE WE CAN MAKE IT THROUGH ANYTHING WITH GOD'S HELP.
I go into how my faith has kept me going.
"You try to be high and mighty and righteous." "I only try to live my life right. If that is how you define righteous, then maybe I am. I try to live by my faith. I do NOW. It took a while. You helped me find it."
GOOD JOB.
I again tell her about trying everything she can to try. She doesn't want to.
A CHOICE SHE WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH....HER CHOICE TO LEAVE HER FAMILY FOR ANOTHER MAN WITHOUT TRYING ONE MORE TIME.
I tell her to do it for herself. For me. For our family. Our kids. Her family. My family. There are too many consequences to her decision.
WAIT. DID SHE SAY THERE ARE TOO MANY CONSEQUENCES TO HER DECISION? SHE NEEDS TO TALK ABOUT THOSE CONSEQUENCES THEN AND YOU NEED TO TALK HER THROUGH HOW YOU WILL WORK THROUGH THEM.
I do some more talking. She says that I just can't believe that she doesn't want me anymore. I told her that I don't want the rest of her life. Just a few months to see.
GOOD.
I ask why she supposedly told her L to not send the D papers. Why? She could not answer. I tell her to be honest. Why wait. "I guess there is not need to wait anymore" she says. I keep asking. Why?
"I can't answer your question." I say "You can, you just don't want to say."
OK HERE ....NOT SURE ABOUT THIS. THE REASON SHE MAY HAVE HAD THE D PAPERS SENT IS BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO HAVE THIS NEW PLACE AND NEW INCOME SO SHE CAN FIGHT FOR THE KIDS. IM NOT TRUSTING HER NOW.
Back and forth. I told her that I will not budge on 50/50. Anything less, then I will fight for full custody. She tells me not to threaten. I tell her it is not a threat. She says bring it on.
I then go into asking why she is so dead set on not having a friendship.
"You don't want to end it with OM?" No.
YOU JUST GOT YOUR ANSWER.
"You want to be a part time parent?" "I'm not going to be a part time parent." "No matter how you look at it, we are both going to be part time parents. Now matter how custody ends up. Part time parents."
GOOD YOU GOT THAT IN.
"You are deciding to end the friendship? It was your choice, and you have just choked it to death."
DON'T LISTEN TO THIS. THAT IS RIDICULOUS.
"You don't want to work on us and..." "I do NOT want to do anything with us." I pause.
OK, HER CHOICE VERBALIZED CLEARLY.
"Are you going to end it with Tom?" "I don't want to." Pause.
I DON'T WANT TO........THAT IS NOT A DEFINITE NO.........
"Then, now we know." I am up and leave the room.
I sit with girls watching tv. D11 looks upset. She knows we were "talking". Roomie comes in later to wash dishes. I go take a shower. Roomie sets up to watch a movie with D's in living room. Everyone on floor. I get on computer to check accounts.
Roomie comes in. "Where is the clock that you wind up?" "I don't know" with out looking back at her or missing a beat on computer.
That means she is no longer going to be in our bed.
THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. THAT IS HER CHOICE. SHE IS NOW BLAMING YOU..MAKING YOU FEEL THAT BECAUSE YOU FOUGHT WITH HER SHE IS OK TO BE MAD AT YOU. LET HER GO. SHE NEEDS TO FEEL HER CHOICE.
I believe we are done.
NOPE. NOT YET.
I do not have the funds to D her. If she tries to take custody, then I will beg and borrow if I have to. Because of her illness last year, my credit is shot to hell. Bad.
I will have to talk to my parents. Let them know the full story. Let them know that I might not get custody. That will get them to help me.
I am not sad, yet. I am pretty calm. It was surreal.
You keep waiting for the light to go off, but it never does.
I'll probably be sad tomorrow. Have to be strong, though.
YES STAY STRONG AND FOLLOW THROUGH. YOU DID WELL. IM SORRY ABOUT HOW PAINFUL AND AWFUL THIS IS.
