Trixi trying to find moorage

[Trixi]

journaling-
H came over for Spanish lessons tonight.
We were out in the gazebo that my landlord may need to tear down; it also has a privacy issue where the blocking foliage is blocking the view from the house, but not the neighbors. So H says "You could move this bush over to this side and then you wouldn't see the neighbors." Keep in mind, this would be no easy task. And the tone of it was like "see you could stay here and get privacy." Right after the plant moving idea, he pointed somewhere else and said "well, if you put a fence there, it wouldn't be so bad." Obviously, tenants do not install fences.

H was talking about how great my (landlords) maple tree looks. The more he talked the more mad/sad I felt. I got a little jealous and he says "well, girly, it's still half your house too." (not sure how that was supposed to make me feel better- I don't get to live there with him.) I started getting emotional (looking at the dirt piles that used to be trees) and he said "aw, poor you. what's wrong?" so I tell him "YOU get to know where you're gonna live in 8 months, YOU get all the [animals], YOU just got a whole bunch of new trees and I am watching mine be ripped out." He was cool about it; gave me a hug. I got myself composed and apologized for the meltdown.

Later; don't know what the lead up to this was- but his comment- "what I see for my future? well, I want to keep doing music, and be successful at it, maybe do it full time, have people get enjoyment from listening to it." OH! I know- he was complaining about all that needs to be done around the house and I said "you need a help mate" and he said "I have one. [Guy friend] is staying for the week to help me out." He knew what I really meant and so he continues "I feel I was too dependent on you. It made me lazy." I totally do NOT understand what he means- so I looked at him with a huh? look and he says "Oh, don't worry, it's not your fault." Still not sure what he was trying to say, but I could tell we were done talking about that.

That's all I got. Guess that I feel like he "knows" where we're headed, but won't tell me. I hope I'm wrong. I hope I'm paranoid. As my Instant Messagenger saying says "You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME."