Confused and Bewildered

[7 Year Itch]

OK, so regarding the text. You ALL were right. I made too much out of it. He did get it, but was on that sex assault until after midnight last night, then turned around to work his reg. shift starting at 7 this morning. Then he had swat training at the range all day, so he has been way busy and way tired.

So tonight was crazy on many levels. The girls love to play outside when they know Daddy is coming so they can watch for him. So they were out front playing and I was inside. Next thing I know my D's come running inside saying they are so scared, we just had a tornado etc..... they were WAY frightened. I told them no, it was probably just a dirt devil or something. So I look in our backyard, and OMG.... our Wood Playset was completely toppled over and mangled! There is no way it was a tornado but I think we must have had a microburst or seriously scary dirt devil So our $1000.00 play structure we've had all of 2 years is destroyed! UGH! IT happened right before H got here, so he was shocked when he pulled up and saw it.

So the night started with him trying to sort of get stuff pushed to the side, and stored a bit before he can get back here to try to fix it all. I made a dinner (one of his faves) and they all came in to eat. So we ate, and then he went outside to play with the girls. The girls were on meltdown tonight, and it was one time out after another with them (not a great visit night). I figured as soon as he got them down he would be OUTTA here since he was so exhausted. He came into the bedroom, and I stood up to give him a hug and say goodnight ,and he goes.. "Oh, I was just coming in to stretch out and lay down for a second". I was surprised and said. "Oh, ok....... well go ahead". I then asked if he'd like me to rub his back or arms (he is a sniper and shooting his AR all day really hurts his shoulders etc...)or anything. I then made a joke and said. "don't worry, I won't try to molest you or anything ,I started my P today". LOL To which he replied. "Oh ,so you won't take care of ME then?". So um yeah........... you can guess what happens next. Yep, intimate again........ 4th day in a row!

So we get up, and I go to walk him to the door and I ask him to text me when he gets home because he's so tired that I'm worried (he is staying an hour and 15 minutes from where we are) and he says. "I'll just call you really quick". (another good sign?). So then I asked for a kiss, and guess what..... I got my FIRST kiss where he actually kissed back in 3 1/2 months! Now it was not passionate, it was not an open mouth romantic kiss. But he actually moved his lips and kissed back! Progress???

I then (I'm such a DB failure, no one should do ANYTHING I do! LOL) said.............."We're going to be ok Chris!"to which he looked at me and said... "That's what you keep saying", and I said......" I know it!". And he just sort of smiled.

God, I'm so scared to feel positive. So so scared. This is the first progress I have seen at all in all this time. I feel like I"m starting to feel some hope for the first time coming from him (not coming from me and my faith) and it scares me to death.

Anyway..... we won't see him a lot this weekend. He'll come see the girls Friday night, then Sat. and Sun there is a huge music festival in his city this weekend and ALL the officers have to work it, so he won't be out to see the girls again until Monday. I have my first counseling session with my new counselor on Monday and it's early, so I sort of put the "seed" in his head and said that if he wanted to come here after the festival on Sunday night and stay the night, then he wouldn't have to get up as early to come out to see the girls so I could get on to my appt. HE said he'd consider it. So we'll see. I know it's a long shot, and I'm SURE he wouldn't stay in the bed with me, but wow, just to have him in the house could be great.

Anyway. I'm on a high right now, just waiting to hear that phone call when he makes it home. God I just hope he can start to feel something for me again. Just one spark I know we can build on.

Chris