Confused and Bewildered

[7 Year Itch]

Hi, Chris-

I just read your thread and feel like we were with the same person. H is in law enforcement (seems like a lot of people with similar stories have spouses in law enforcement). Anyway, H admits I've changed, but thinks it's "too late". Says it wouldn't be fair to me for him to suggest there is any hope. It always feels like a dagger in my chest when he says things like that. At any rate, I have a question for you. Do you ever start to feel very angry at H and even begin to think "I DON'T EVEN WANT THIS GUY ANYMORE!"? I am really struggling with these thoughts. My mind goes from I love him so much to I cannot believe he did this to me. If you have those feelings how do you keep them in control when around H? I am asking because he is going to drop of daughter in a bit and is staying for dinner. Originally, I was happy about it, but now I'm pissed because he's over an hour late.

Absolutely I have had those thoughts! Especially when my D6 sobs missing her Dad, or asking me WHY we are doing this to "her" etc. It makes me so mad at times, I just want to kill him. But then I have to refocus and remember what I've read on here so many times..."Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?". I try to keep my "eye on the prize" so to speak. I honestly understand how my H got where he is. I was severely depressed the last 2 1/2 years (didn't realize it until it the bomb and I got on medication). I had just had our 2nd child, and the day I gave birth my Mom went into the hopital with a major mental breakdown. We've had a TON of big life stressorst the last 2 years, and well.... I did NOT handle it well. I took all my anger, resentment at life etc, out on my H. I thought he'd always be there, and I took advantage of it. I treated him awful. I honestly understand how he could fall out of love with me as horrible as that is to admit. The part I struggle(d) with this whole time is his lack of wanting to try to bring it back and work on it. THAT was/is the part crushing me. My H is a very
STRONG willed person (aren't all law enforcement people?) and I think got it in his mind that he was done and NOTHING was going to change it. Only in this last week have I started to see the beginnings of a softening. Just the slightest beginnings of him actually testing the waters a bit. For now, it means the WORLD and I just pray we can keep it going.

Hang in there. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But no matter the outcome, it's SO worth it. At the very least I will be able to know that I truly did do EVERYTHING in my power to try to save this, and I will be able to look my girls in their eyes with conviction when we have those woman to woman discussions when they are older, as I explain the importance of commitment.

OK, another post to follow as tonight was interesting again....

Chris