Help me Act AS IF, Part 7: The Separation

[newnamenewlife]

Oh, man. I am just MISERABLE. Sobbing and sobbing right now. One of my friends, trying to be loyal to me, made an excuse to H about why her daughter, who is my D7's best friend, couldn't sleep over at H's new apt. I told H that I wasn't surprised, that of course separation and divorce made friends and family divide loyalties. I then, stupidly, said that many of our friends thought he had treated me badly and thought he was unstable.

Mistake. But--you know what? I have tried so hard to take the high road during all of this, have bit my tongue, have not bad-mouthed him to our kids--and sometimes I snap and say or do something without thinking.

H called and got FURIOUS at me, wanting to know what I'd told our friends to make them think he was unstable and that that was a dangerous thing to say.. He has been such an unemotional zombie during all this that it was almost thrilling to hear him get genuinely angry, to display some real emotion. I told him that I have NEVER implied to anyone that he was an unfit father--and I haven't. People have come to their own conclusions based on what I have said, what he has said, and what they have observed. I have no control over what people think. He said I should have "jumped down the throat" of anyone who doubted his fathering abilities and defended him--that that's what he'd do for me if someone implied I was an unfit mother. Is he kidding? Defend him???? Like I said, I have not, and will never, suggest that he is a bad father--but if someone thinks something negative about him TOO BAD. What does he expect of me? I feel like I am supposed to not feel sad/hurt that he's left me AND I'm now supposed to defend his actions and his fathering too??

The whole thing spiraled out of control. I expressed my deep pain about the whole S once again, to which
H said "people get separated every day"--which he has said before--and I totally lost it. I said yes, people also get cancer every day --but that doesn't mean they suffer less than all the other millions of people who get it.

Anyway, we went back and forth--me accusing him of hurting me deeply and not caring, him refusing to apologize or admit to having been a jerk. At one point I said that many marriages go stale after 16 years and two kids and that the first thing you do isn't to up and leave, with no MC or anything. He replied "No, the first thing you do is have a child," implying that he has been unhappy in our M since before we had D11 and that he thought a baby would improve things. That completely took my breath away and I just froze. That just KILLED me. I had to hang up on him. How can he say that? Is that really true? Why has he been writing me love letters for years and years, taking me away and giving me beautiful gifts for all our anniversaries if he's been secretly unhappy for 12 years? Has our whole M, or most of it, been a sham?

And, yes, the fact is, that having kids does change a M. DUH. As one of my friends said, why is my H so special that he couldn't deal with that? And why would he pull that out and say it when I am already so sick with hurt?

I just feel so devastated that he said that--so, so devastated. I have been sobbing for an hour (fortunately our Ds are not with me tonight, so I can weep freely). I don't know what to believe anymore--the love letters, the M I thought we had, or that he has wanted out on some level since before we had kids.

I wish so much I could go completely dark/NC on him, but I can't since we exchange the kids on a regular basis and still have to meet with our mediator to figure out money, schedules, etc.

I just HATE H right now. HATE that he has no feelings for me, is unaffected by me or my hurt and on top of it seems to relish saying the most hurtful things possible.