Journaling,

Hadn't heard from H in nearly 3 days. Yesterday was really tough - I very nearly didn't make it w/out calling H or OW. But God must have been watching over me b/c He told me to use a lifeline that had been offered. It was the smartest thing I could have done. Thank you for being there for me BFM \:\)

This morning H called me on my cell & at work & left me a vmail msg. He apologized for not calling me for a few days, said he was very sorry, and then he said "I guess what happens is the longer I don't talk to you the harder it is for me to call you b/c I'm afraid of calling you. Call me back when you get a chance." I tried to call him back late in the afternoon but he didn't answer so I just left a message saying I was in meetings & training all day & I'd love to talk to him, so if he felt like calling to give me a call later after work. I said I hoped he was having a good day. My tone was light and upbeat. H hasn't called back and it's funny but I think that he won't today, maybe not even for a couple of days, who knows. That was his "touch", now he will "go" again.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that he has likely been w/ OW. That has been his pattern over the past 2.5 years - whenever he was w/ OW he would be completely out of touch, he would "disappear", so it is unlikely anything has changed in that regard. And that is what I will assume is going on - the worst case scenario. As much as I want H to come back to me RIGHT NOW, I know it won't happen. I just hope and pray that this A is spiralling downward toward it's natural demise & that they are miserable when they are together. \:\(

In the meantime I know that I have to detach as much as I can. I have to step back and take care of myself and keep from getting pulled back into the triangle. I would like to be able to detach enough to be able to talk to H about logistics, money, D, the house, etc., but not have the contact that I do have w/ H mess me up so much that days later I am crying and anxiously awaiting his call/visit.

I also know that I really need to stop ML w/ H - it is very difficult for me to do and remain detached. The interesting thing is I think that H could be using it to keep me from moving on w/ my life. There is some twisted logic in that H may think he can keep me from wanting/needing someone else in my life if he comes to me and ML w/ me every week or so - forget the fact that I am still married and that I need more than just sex from an R w/ someone. But of course the MLC mind is something of a mystery, so I won't do any more speculating. I'd love to think that H wants to ML w/ me b/c OW just isn't enough for him. OW has tried to assure me that she keeps H satisfied. (Yes I too want to barf at that )

Anyway, I'm trying to keep busy but it's so hard w/ D away for another wk (it has been 2 wks). The house is so big & empty & I miss her laughter \:\( Thankfully work is very busy this week and the weather has been good so I am trying to GAL and keep from thinking about H and OW. Easier said than done...

FA

Last edited by fooled again; 07/17/08 03:38 AM.

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

FA:43, H:42
D:7
M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs
EA:?, PA:1/06
S:3/07
EA/PA ongoing
Aborted attempt to move home 07/08