Good day Tbone, I have to start off by apologizing. I read your 8/1 post, wanted to comment but didn't quite know how to word it, but then ran out of time before I could post and havn't been back since.
Quoting tbone: I know I provoke her defensiveness with how I talk to her even when I try not to. We are very incompatible in that regard.
"Incompatible" ... oh how I dislike that word! It has a tendancy to build up walls rather than find ways to bridge the gaps and these are gaps where bridges can be built. It not that you are incompatible, but you have yet to discover what works to express yourselves in ways the other can relate accurately to your expression.
I know how frustrating it is when your spouse doesn't try either, like your W's "deal with it." reponse. My W has a similar one, "I don't want to get into it." I've notice it has become a pre-conditioned response. There were certain ways that I would start with or a certain mode I would get into during a discussion that would just shut her down because of the way previous similar talk turned out. So she would just shut down with her response.
Now what to do about it. Well, tbone, I don't exactly have the solution to that since I have been more than about 50% successfully in finding what works , but the is answer is that it is trial and error, so keep trying different approach and tacts to express the same message in order to avoid her see it as the same old talk. If she doesn't recognize the message as "same ole, same ole", then she can't trigger a shut down with the preconditioned response.
The other thing to keep in mind is that, even by mixing it up with the different ways to deliver the message, you still may end up getting the same response at first, but a little while later, she may react differently in such a way that you'll know she still got the message and is responding to it. Your last update might be a result of this.
Its a never-ending struggle to find more of "what works" in order to keep the ties drawn closer against the forces that seem to pull you apart, but I guess that is what DBing for life is all about...
It has a tendancy to build up walls rather than find ways to bridge the gaps and these are gaps where bridges can be built. It not that you are incompatible, but you have yet to discover what works to express yourselves in ways the other can relate accurately to your expression. 
, but the is answer is that it is trial and error, so keep trying different approach and tacts to express the same message in order to avoid her see it as the same old talk. If she doesn't recognize the message as "same ole, same ole", then she can't trigger a shut down with the preconditioned response.