Twerpled on the Head with a Magic Kumquat

[girlfromipanema]

((((((((((g)))))))))))

Thank you for your post. I feel like I'm doing the best I can given the circumstances. However, because I continue to get the cold shoulder from my husband -- and he's told me he is a non-verbal communicator, so his current attitude/treatment of me tells me volumes -- I struggle to see that I am doing what's right. I know I'm a very good person, with a huge heart. I know I am fun and pleasant to be with. I know I have attractive qualities, but the constant daily rejection from the man I married is trying to erode my feelings of contentment with self.

I was having lunch with my boss on Monday. We saw my husband pull into the same shopping center and head into another restaurant, so my boss called him and said we were right next door. Do you think my husband stopped by to say hello on his way out? Nope. Nothing. If I wasn't there, he would have certainly joined my boss and whoever he was with for lunch. Also a friend invited us to go hiking. My husband sent him a text message asking for clarification on the invitation - would it be my husband and friend only or husband, friend and me? When friend responded with all 3 of us, my husband politely declined. Ouch.

Tonight as I was cooking his dinner, some things became painfully clear. The marriage of my dreams lasted a very short time - maybe a year and a half. The remaining years of my marriage have been marred by the presence of OW. My 4th anniversary is coming up in less than a month, and I'm fairly certain we will not be able to work through our problems and actually CELEBRATE our togetherness. My husband is entirely too rigid in his thinking and unwilling to accept any responsibility for our current situation. I cannot fix this on my own. Try as I might, it simply cannot be done.

What I now need to come to terms with is co-existing as colleagues, on a professional level only, with the man I gave my heart to and the only person I've ever really let "in". I've been so guarded due to my upbringing (which cultivated a fear of rejection, leading me to put up walls so high that no one ever really got to know the real me). I allowed my husband to take down my walls. I've been able to be myself here on DB because if people don't like me, they simply choose not to post to me, but it's not a blatant rejection. Sigh. People should be so careful when they decide to have children. My parents really created a bit of a mess with me due to their choices... but thankfully, I know I can continue to grow as a person and become better and better with each passing day. If my husband chooses to reject the true me, then I must muster the courage to not allow it to destroy me.

We'll see how long this clarity lasts. Once I get some sleep I may revert back to my confused state. Hope not!

Have a wonderful evening, all my DBing friends.

I love you!