Hi Tbone,
I am a bit new here so I don't know much about your sitch. I have just read through this thread. here is my 2 cents:
You seem like you are quite a controlling person (takes one to know one ) I guess your wife might be feeling patronised by some of your advice and your annoyance at her laziness.

John Gray says when women are stressed out they go into a flat spin and can't achieve anything. When men are stressed they go totally focused. She is stressed that is why she is coming across as lazy. I know I have been there and I hate myself when I get like that. As soon as I have more happiness in my life everything calms down and I can just efficiently achieve everything I want. H hates it when I get that way too and starts to criticise which makes me feel MORE stressed and more resentful of him.

Your FIL died only 5 months ago. You say W has handled it well - are you sure about that? She has lost her father I think that could take more than 5 months to get over. It could take years of all kinds of different moods and attitudes before she really works it through.

Letting go of resentments is really hard to do, I am working on that one right now. H does stuff still that really winds me up but I am trying to let it go rather than bottle it up or blow up like I would before.

What Jamesjohn said about the finiancial issues is interesting there could be alot in that especially as you and FIL were in same game. She could still be working through childhood issues over money.

Like I said just my 2 cents.

take care

Fran

if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs
Erica Jong