I don't mean to step on any toes here, because I know its personal, but how would you feel about firing that email at this board? I seen many here post their emails for "editorial" purposes. Then maybe you could come up with a version that you could actually send in hopes of a way towards a reaching a better resolution.
Quoting tbone:What I would like to do is flush all the old "stuff" from my memory so the little things would be only that instead of a reminder of all the similar things that she has done in the past.
Me too, my friend. Problem is, instead of a "flush", it can have a tendency to be more of a "slow leak".
Wish I had some great words of wisdom for you here, my friend, but it's something that I've been having to work on a bit here lately. Been a few things happening that trigger some of the bad memories, and makes it sometimes difficult to see how far things have come. A lot of the surface crap has been cleaned away, now it's time for a deeper scrubbing!
I'll be back. Just wanted to let you know right now that you're not alone in this!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
You know, I never realized until now, when I looked at your profile, that you're a CPA, and that one of your big "triggers" seems to be financial stuff!
I wonder if this fits into the equation at all anywhere. Since you're a financial kind of guy, what kind of "rules", either spoken or unspoken, do you and your wife have set up concerning money matters? Since you're good with finances, has she just left it ALL up to you? If so, was this something that was negotiated, or just happened to come about? Do you think she really likes it, or might be a bit resentful about it? Or, might she be happy that this is your burden to bear? Or, might YOU be resentful and frustrated about this arrangement?
What could be some possible areas of change in this arena? Even just small ones to get the ball rolling in a different direction?
Just tossing out some ideas. These questions are making me think about some of our financial stuff, too, and what I might need to change!
JJ
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Hi Tbone, I am a bit new here so I don't know much about your sitch. I have just read through this thread. here is my 2 cents: You seem like you are quite a controlling person (takes one to know one ) I guess your wife might be feeling patronised by some of your advice and your annoyance at her laziness.
John Gray says when women are stressed out they go into a flat spin and can't achieve anything. When men are stressed they go totally focused. She is stressed that is why she is coming across as lazy. I know I have been there and I hate myself when I get like that. As soon as I have more happiness in my life everything calms down and I can just efficiently achieve everything I want. H hates it when I get that way too and starts to criticise which makes me feel MORE stressed and more resentful of him.
Your FIL died only 5 months ago. You say W has handled it well - are you sure about that? She has lost her father I think that could take more than 5 months to get over. It could take years of all kinds of different moods and attitudes before she really works it through.
Letting go of resentments is really hard to do, I am working on that one right now. H does stuff still that really winds me up but I am trying to let it go rather than bottle it up or blow up like I would before.
What Jamesjohn said about the finiancial issues is interesting there could be alot in that especially as you and FIL were in same game. She could still be working through childhood issues over money.
Like I said just my 2 cents.
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
She handled the money until she showed how irresponsible she was with it. I took it over and things improved until I found that she had secret charge cards. At that point I got my late FIL (also a CPA)involved and found out that had been misappropriating funds forever. She spends to cover her unhappiness and to satisfy her selfishness. We then bought her business and an open checkbook which I couldn't always monitor like I should and you can imagine what happened from there. I have no issues taking care of the money.
She doesn't want the burden of finances and just doesn't understand budgeting. She kicks a$$ at deficit spending though. I have yelled, screamed, ranted, explaind, begged, pleaded, cried, had interventions and it has very, very slowly started to improve. The problem is she attempts to but her happiness. I wish she wasn't so unhappy but her spending has caused most of it. What a vicious circle "we" are in. My financial advisor and best friend has advised to just make more than she can spend and I am, thank goodness. The problem is that I have a level of financial "comfort" that I am looking for. Her behavior isn't letting me find it as soon as I would like. The other issue is I don't want to feel like I have to buy my W nor do I want my kids to think that they should get everything they see just because we can afford it. She grew up that way and look how she turned out. All this may sound petty but if my practice didn't take off when it did we were sunk and like I said, I am still not financially comfortable.
She has put me under financial stress since before we were M. We had a fight a month before the W were I told her that she was just like her financial nightmare of a SIL. She said it would never be like that. Just another example of fortune telling skills. I have told her how so many things were going to turn out (especially financial) and she still won't follow my advice.
All 3 of her brothers are also CPA's too. Now that is funny. I guess she got the recessive gene, huh?
I have realized in the last couple of years how important control is to me. That trait bothers me and also bothers her to a certain degree. I also expect a lot of my self and those around me. My old defense was "I don't expect anymore of you than I do of myself". The problem was that I didn't realize how hard I always pushed myself. I would win a game and wonder why I didn't win by more. The fact is that I do cause her stress with my demands. The other part of that is she always takes on more than she can handle. The difference is when I do that I simply find a way to get it all done. She tends to get it all done about half-way.
I see what you mean bout "stressed-out" shut down. That is her reaction everytime. She gets depressed and tired. What irks me is that usually she causes her own stress by takin gon too much. We had a very full schedule and then she chose to enter pageants, get two more cats and host a foreign exchange student .
This sounds terrible but she really needs to see a C. The strange thing is that she has actually been "stronger" since her F passed. She also started to respect me for being so much like her F instead of that bothering her. "You are so much like my F" went from a negative to a huge positive in 24 hours.
The bottom line is that is not truly happy. I want to do what I can to help that but most of it is up to her. All I can do is be the best H and F that I can (I have improved in those areas 10-fold by the way).
My financial advisor and best friend just stopped in my office to check on me and give me a hug. I owe a lot of the good things in my life to him, relationship-wise, finance, business, and spirituality. People like him are what keep the rest of us sane. He was headed down to visit a mutual client of ours who had a near fatal motorcycle crash and help him with his physical therapy. I am blessed to know the man and honored to call him a friend.
I am now off to the gym to work on my "buff-ness" When you are a controlling, demanding, ranting jerk you have to keep them attracted some how .
This might be a bit twisted, but I've noticed how much I have insisted on control lately as well. But, the thing is, I have always thought I was a laisez-faire type of guy. WRONG... I always wanted things my way, or I pouted, or I got angry, or I got violent, or I withdrew completely. I can tell you, that did not work.
Lately, since being here, since reading thousands of pages of self help books, I notice that I watch and contemplate a lot more. I am in control... of what I can control. But I am beginning, just beginning mind you, to recognize the distinction between what I can control and what I cannot. This, I believe is key to a control freak like us. Identify what you may control and work on that. Simply watch and observe all else, and monitor how it affects those things that we can control, and be best prepared to exert that control with wisdom.
T, I get the picture that you let your W on run on her own, however, when she stumbles or falls, you to her aid ... pick her up and brush her off for her ... a "fix-it" kinda guy (welcome to the club!). If you always find yourself picking her up tho, you start to resent her for being so clumsy.
As a different approach, would it be possible to do some warm ups with her before she runs ... even run with her so if she trips, if you need to, you can catch her before she falls.
What I mean by that is, can you talk to her about setting up a plan for the next time she wants to go on a shopping binge. Is she an impulsive shopper? Maybe the next time the impulse strikes, she can give you a call first. Not get your permission, but so she can talk it thru if she really wants or needs to make the purchase. You're there to validate one way or another and in playing that role you are included in the decision making loop even if not making the decision, rather than finding about it afterwards. This should lessen your resentment and the need to actually "fix" anything for her, but know you are still part of the solution to help her with the problem.
Just a "light bulb" moment here which I'm sure some of the details would need to be thought out some more, but hope you get the idea...
There MAY be a possibility that ANY kind of "help" that you give her regarding finances might be considered "more of the same" behavior. No help at all MIGHT not be different enough.
What would a total 180 for you be? Have you ever let the money matters just totally slip? Have YOU ever gone out and just blown money frivilously? What would be totally out of character for you to do? What would take you out of your comfort zone? What could you do that you might think would be something that SHE would do, that would piss you off?
What could you do that would totally blow her away, throw things off balance, make here stand up and wonder just what the heck's come over you?
Give this some thought. Doing something along these lines might reap a couple of different dividends.
JJ
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I am trying so hard to establish what I can and can not control. That is where I struggle. That is also my motivation to get to my financial comfort zone. We are not talking millions in net worth, just comfortable. I have always been a bit of a worrier especially with finances. I see everyday the troubles it causes. I am mellowing with age but reducing the stress would certainly accelerate that process. I am tired of having to "balance" everything so closely.
I have the reputation in this town as the business whiz kid. Emphasis on the "kid" part. This isn't a big town and any chinks in my armor will travel fast. Honestly, that is my biggest fear and I have talked with my W about that at length. That fear drives my financial control problems.
We are getting better at communicating about finances. She did mention lately how much more generous I ams when we shop together. I said that is because then it is our decision and not something that is a credit card bill surprise. Tell if this is solid thinking or not. I like to give her things but I don't like when she just takes them. I want to spoil her not her spoil herself. I know that reaks of control but I am also a romantic and want to do things for her.
I know I am trying to fix her. Last night was a perfect example. Her M took her shoppng yesterday for some last minute "pageant" clothes and her M paid for it all (about $1500 total). My W was on cloud nine with the clothes they found. That is great but she so thrives on the buying part. That is what I think isn't healthy. She gets almost "orgasmic" over it. The "buying" of her happiness is what really scares me. Her M has always lavished her like this and it will be a year or two before I can compete with that (partnership entry is expensive). I was very glad to see the euphoric look on her face last night but what is going to happen when this pageant is over and life is back to normal?
We had a conversation this a.m. that was not much fun so I e-mailed her that I am as tired of these same conversations as she is. I said that her choices are her responsility and I would quit trying to "fix" everything.
Thanks for the solid ideas and refocus you gave me, TBONE
) I guess your wife might be feeling patronised by some of your advice and your annoyance at her laziness.
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