I didn't even recognize you when I first read your post. You "sound" so different than before. You sound comfortable and calm. I know acceptance is critical to survival and I see you found it. I wish so hard that what we posted back and forth would help your sitch. Three years ago I thought everything was fixable but I know better now. Everything happens for a reason and usually that reason remains a mystery at least for awhile. You know that I have the never say die mentality but I am getting wiser in finally realizing that we won't always "win". I think sometimes that I am simply afraid to give up.
My sitch is "so minor" compared to what most of you are dealing with but I have always been a worrier and planner. I am in a good place but I don't like the "forecast". That is why I came back. You always help me to be objective of my sitch. Not easy to do when I over-analyze everything. One observation I made in our sitch's is what an A does to a R. I don't know for certain that it was a PA but EA for sure. I struggle with forgiveness and I think your H had the same problem. On days when I am not happy with her or things she does I start plotting "revenge". My mode becomes that I "owe her one". Let her feel the pain of betrayal. It makes me feel bad that my thoughts even go there at all. Maybe it is simply part of the healing, and recovery process. I hope so.
We did have a great family vacation with her whole family (13 adults, 12 kids!)at the lake home. All of the boys waterskied, fished, swam, etc. Our fishing time together is awesome. They all enjoy it so much and the 8 yr old caught a really nice fish. My W is still having a very hard time with losing her F 5 months ago. The lake house was his sanctuary and full of "him". Her whole family is very strong but everybody breaks down at some point. Her F passing actually brought us much closer together for a while. She seemed focused on being more like her F but that has weakened somewhat. She just can't find "herself". It is a constant pursuit of "something" because she can't get comfortable in her own skin. I try to help and that is something that I probably need to stop.
I will get my fairytale someday but you are right in that reality takes the "shine" off of fairytales from time to time.
Glad to see that you are finding Rachael back. That is the most important part of this whole journey.
