WAW is full steam ahead

[LosingSunshine]

(((SC)))

Thanks for stopping by again. I think not answering the phone is a good first step. She needs to realize that I am not there at her beckon call. I think we are not entering some stage of relative calm/stability in how things are. I guess that is good. Pleasant conversation about the kinds in the morning and in the evening and not much else in between unless she initiates. Since you brought up venting/anger. I wish my wife would do some of that :-) Right now, me and my C believe she's still juggling with the decision and although I am "dim", I am starting to experiment with different things to see what works and what doesn't.

For instance, I steamed her shirts the other night and she didn't bring it up. I view that as a positive since she didn't say don't do it. Next, last night she was going to do some laundry before heading to bed and asked me if I needed anything thrown in. I said thanks but no thanks as I had done mine and the kids the night before. There are other small things that I have been doing that she notices and goes unspoken about. My overall attitude has left her confused too as she was expecting a mean, angry, pissy, combative attitude and instead she gets calm, cool and collected. Couple this with the 180s on drinking, involvement with kids, and validation/WOA during kid talk...well, we'll just have to wait and see.

Chris

[LosingSunshine]

(((Sandi)))

Thank you so much for stopping by Sandi. You have been so helpful over the past few weeks and I do appreciate everything you have to offer and frankly, I don't care if your posts are long or short. Just that you post ;-)

I think your last post spoke directly about my wife and I too feel that applying the DB/DR principals are the way to go. I will be GAL again tonight as it is her night again with the kids but will reread DR again tomorrow. Maybe it has sunk in, maybe not. Based upon the first few times I read it, LRT seemed the way to go. However, I got cornered into some R talks and didn't do too well with those. Now given the progression in the sitch (the only lower place I can go is D finalization as filing at this point seems inevitable post mediation) I am wondering hey, why not experiment a bit to see what happens. I get a feeling that things are beginning to stablize a little as we have established some boundaries to make it through the next few months.

So, my same as usual behaviour changes: I stopped drinking, involved with kids at a greater level than before, doing all of the chores related to the house (except her area and clothes), keeping a list of things that need to be done and executing, helping out with kids in the morning and evening. Still need to stop smoking but that's a little tricky given the stress of the sitch and plus, she's smoking now so what the heck, right? Going to church weekly and taking the kids.

My GAL is good and somewhat mysterious. I stopped wearing my wedding band this week. She hasn't mentioned it but I never mentioned it when she stopped wearing hers. No issues here and GAL list keeps growing with things to do with each passing day.

Communication is limited to morning and evening and is only about kids and minor small chat about other things. I am getting more and more comfortable being upbeat during these talks, and listen to her, validate what she says, and even try to slip in WOA when appropriate and mainly around what she's doing with the kids and how they enjoy it and how I appreciate it. The lack of communication was a big deal for the past year and a half and I really need to show progress and change during these talks.

Doing something different: Not going dark, just dim. Not being responsive/as responsive to her attempts to contact me. She said she doesn't want to do anything that resembles a family and just wants to spend time with kids alone. Okay. I'll give her that this week. Maybe next week, I will see if lingering around the house on "her" night with the kids will have an impact.

Small acts of service include steaming her shirts, picking up little necessities at the store without her asking (lint brush, etc...small things that I need too but enough for both of us). Going to slowly expand on this as I don't want to seem persuing.

So, I am not sure at this point what else I can do except wait and monitor results.

Chris

[fb2]

Sandi, That was a really excellent post! Most of what you say describes my sitch to a T. If only I had this sort of insight or my W had the communication skills 2 years ago I could have saved my M. Sadly the H is human and unskilled too and often the W's seemingly inappropriate behavior makes the H react or withdraw instead of respond appropriately and thus the sitch gets worse by the day. Once the W's angst leads to an OM or D is filed its extremely difficult going. My W used to say I'm a good guy, but ... it was a big BUT that was not clearly understood. You are right on the Marriage Builders vs. DB - unfortunately too many of us go to these programs or MC when its a bit too late and it often makes things worse. Its so complex Sandi but you are helping so much here - your age or the 40 years don't matter its the same story over and over again.

[LosingSunshine]

I read this on another post and wanted to post it hear for future reference so I know where to find it.

"This is of course true of all of us, no matter what our path was. The mistake you make will haunt you, especially if you made them in the "pursuit of happiness". Because that pursuit is truly a selfish one.

Yes we should all have the ability to be happy, but never at someone else's expense. Your pursuit of happiness leaves your W and your kids picking up their own lives off the floor. For this reason, no matter how happy you may end up and no matter how long, you will eventually crash and burn.

If that is not enough reason for you to do the right thing, then so be it. Do the wrong thing and just know the eventually, it will catch up to you.

And I do not mean this to be some ominous, self-righteous statement. I am saying it from the heart, as I have lived it myself and I now know the difference between the right thing and the wrong thing. And I have paid (and still pay) the price for taking the wrong path."

Not sure why I like these words...it's almost as if I want someone to tell this to my W. My W hopes she will discover happiness post D, and like DanceQueen wrote, it is a selfish reason. Just jotting down for reflection later I guess.

[Scott123]

LS,

Yep, I wish someone would tell my wife those exact words too.

They claim to want to be happy and in my case that involves
getting separated, getting a D and seeing OM. They don't care
what it does to family, friends the kids etc. they are driven
by emotions and clouded by a thick as mud fog.

I really worry for them. I can only see a mental/emotional crash
coming and that is really sad.

- Scott

[LosingSunshine]

Scott,

I fear that how fast my wife is running and how much she is partying, that another emotional/mental crash is looming in the not so distant future as well. I know for myself, I have been getting to bed kind of late but before her and not drinking while she has been out late and drinking/partying. I am beat. I can only imagine that her new lifestyle is starting to wear on her as well. Add the emotional component, the stress and pressure...something has got to give here.

What is interesting about my W is her statement about her "hoping" that her life post - D will bring her happiness. I hope she has a lot of faith in that hope!

I almost feel like mailing that quote to W's bestfriend from back home and asking her to tell it to my W. I won't but boy would I love too.

Well, it's going to be GAL again tonight. Hot Summer Nights here in Sioux Falls. Lot's of 'vettes and Harleys downtown. Good to get out and walk around. Heck, might even meet up with a fellow DB'er from town, Jaw, if he makes it out.

I'll write more later when I get back.

Chris

[Scott123]

I fear that how fast my wife is running and how much she is partying, that another emotional/mental crash is looming in the not so distant future as well.

Add the emotional component, the stress and pressure...something has got to give here.

That is the exact same way I feel. I saw it yesterday in
how miserable my wife looked and how worn out she was
looking. I am terribly worried about her and the kids.

What is interesting about my W is her statement about her "hoping" that her life post - D will bring her happiness. I hope she has a lot of faith in that hope!

Wow - That is so like my W too. See if you can relate to some of
these comments that she has tossed at me:

"Too much has happened, I need to be happy now"
"I can't be happy with you, we are better separated, I'm calm now"
"You're with the kids more, I don't have any stress that we are separated"
"Nothing you can say or do will change my mind, I want a divorce, it is my time to be happy"
"I'm too independent now and too used to doing things alone"
"He treats me good and is nice" OM comment

And on and on - all resentment and based on the past.

I will give her credit though, she puts on a great front and
can really hide her emotions although yesterday she was
not doing too good of a job.

The kids have even said to me how miserable she gets. Is your
wife the same way when you are not around? Is she putting
on a front to you?

I almost feel like mailing that quote to W's bestfriend from back home and asking her to tell it to my W. I won't but boy would I love too.

I actually copied that quote to my journal. I might be able to
use something like that somewhere down the road possibly
having it posted online from someone in a conversation or
something like that. You know, indirectly.

I guess it's just one day at a time.

Your night sounds like fun, I bet they'll be some awesome
bikes there.

- Scott

[Neilh23]

What is interesting about my W is her statement about her "hoping" that her life post - D will bring her happiness. I hope she has a lot of faith in that hope!

you know, i think my W has said the same thing...i think they say that because right now, they probably are happier...no one to share things with (at least in my sitch) and that makes them happier. No conflict. Marriage represents pain to them.... why be married?

[Scott123]

i think they say that because right now, they probably are happier...no one to share things with (at least in my sitch) and that makes them happier. No conflict. Marriage represents pain to them.... why be married?

I think you're right. Especially when they are in a fog or
in some kind of mental distress. AND if there is an OM
then you can look at it like this:

It's that bliss of a new relationship. There's no drama,
everyone is nice as pie to each other, extra careful to
watch what they say because they are in the chase. There
is new sexual tension, flirting, emotional needs are getting
met, they are living out a fantasy etc. They can bitch about
you and the OM will validate all their feelings and feed
right into what they want.

They are back to life is good just like when you were dating
except this time it;s with someone else.

How long will this keep up? Who knows. I guess until the
regular drama starts coming back around into their new
relationship... and it will. It's just a matter of time. This
is where WE have a really hard time because we have
no patience and are scared that our spouse will fall in
love and forget all about us.

- Scott

[sandi2]

Wow guys, thanks for the compliments! No kidding, it makes me feel......well, I don't know.....like I am doing some little something to help one or two people. I sure hope so. That is what I want to do. As I said in the past, I would like to "give back" to the board b/c it saved me and my M. Anyway, just wanted to say that I appreciate your kind words and if any of you need to contact me.......I am going to open a new thread in Piecing my Marriage forum. I had one there, but it finally locked up and I just haven't started another one b/c I figured it was pretty boring to most....lol.

Okay, any and all of you are welcome to come visit me.

Take care,
Sandi