I am unhappy with how she self-sabotages, her deceit, her lack of accountablity, and her laziness. I am unhappy with myself for not loving her enough to look past these things and DB to help the M. With all she has put me through my tolerence is shot so I get "set-off" my too many little things. I take the blame for that but have not been able to stop it yet. Keyword "yet". I will win this battle with myself for my own good and a better R with my boys,clients, employees, etc.
I feel like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman" in that I want the "Fairy Tale". I want one woman that loves me and I her. I have been blessed with so many things in my life but I lack what I want the most. Anything that I have set my mind to I have achieved but I am failing at my M right now. I think I have anger problems in that I feel justified when I go off on someone who I feels "deserves it". I have been effective with it in that I don't "rip them apart" I simply let them in know in no uncertian terms that I will not tolerate their "crap". I have done this with supervisors, clients, associates, etc. I have an exponential temperment in that I am pretty cool for a while but when someone is just begging for it I will let them have it. It works because it usually catches them by surprise. It no longer works with my W because she has "deserved it" too many times already. My routine with her has become to just remove myself from the problem until I cool off and let my "quiet" behavior tell her that I am not pleased.
God teaches us things by the challenges he puts in front of us and I know I have learned from theses "tests" in the past. The problem is that if I hear that line about "God not giving us more than we can handle" one more time I will have to knock that person out. The combination of sick children, my W having to CPR my oldest back to life, losing a child, emergency hysterectomy, M problems, and losing my FIL, confidant, partner, mentor in the heat of tax season has maxed me out.
People that know my W and I always ask how we do it. When I figure it out I will let you all know. I just keep thinking that life has to get easier. I quess it is but it is hard to see sometimes because I am just so "tired" of being "tested".
In conclusion, I feel that my W is preventing me from being happy by her actions and how they make me feel disrespected and not loved. I know my happiness is in my hands but I hope she doesn't push me to want to find my happiness away from her. I want our boys to be raised by us in a positive household. That phrase needs to get posted somewhere that I look at it everyday because that it what makes me tick.
I am going to the Y to relieve some stres and remove my "tax season" fat. Yes, I know it should be gone by now!
Have a PMA weekend,
TBONE
P.S. I have to be a groomsmen for my cousin's wedding tomorrow. That is making me sad too because the bride-to- be has serious "issues" that will make their M very difficult at best. I got nominated by the family to talk him out of it but obviously I didn't.
Thanks for your reply. I think it is good that you don't hide your feelings. There is always a nice way to put it after you have cooled off. We went to Retrouvaille which teaches you to dialogue on paper and express your feelings rather than put your thoughts on the other person. ie I feel hurt, upset.... vs. you are a jerk for ....
Anyway, you HAVE choosen to love your wife by staying and choosing the right thing to do vs. allowing your feelings to dictate your actions. I would highly recommend Retrouvaille!! I hope my H will choose to love me instead of doing what FEELS good.
I will pray for you! You have been through alot!! nik
I need very honest and frank opinions from those familiar with my sitch. I am very frustrated today, same old stuff. Am I a control freak that just overreacts to my W? Do I simply have unrealistic expectations ow my W, my M, life in general?
I feel like I am becoming a "high quality" person by DBing yet she continues to drive me nuts. I am more patient, mature, composed, and stable yet she keeps doing little things that I just can't deal with. Mostly money and work (business and home) issues. I am a financial professional and tell her that if you do A then B will happen. She does A anyway and is surprised when B happens. "I am a professional and told you that it would but you ignored me". Why doesn't she respect me enough to take my professional opinion? Why is it that people 40 or more years my senior will follow my advice like scripture but my W won't?
It is not even 3 p.m. here but I am ready for a cocktail. I just found out that two of my clients are in a spat and ready to kill each other over a business deal. I thought I was a CPA but sometimes I feel more like and ADP (Adult Daycare Professional). Between my W, my job, and my kids it is only the grace of God that has kept me sane, well kind of.
I am a physical therapist and my H doesn't take my advice either when he "hurts" himself. I think the people closest to us do not value our "professional opinion." My BIL and other family members seek me out for advice but NEVER my H. I don't know why that is, it just is. Sorry I don't have better advice.
I just had a thought, it could be that she feels you are trying to control her by "advising" her. Just like with kids, sometimes they have to learn the hard way.
I wrote my W an e-mail yesterday that I see her unhappiness causing her to do certain things and taking credit for my share of that unhappiness. I mentioned "balance" and reducing the stress in our busy lives. I concluded by saying that all I want is for her to be happy with her life, herself, and with those around her (family). She didn't reply but has been upbeat since. I wasn't saying too much that she hasn't heard from me before but writing to her seems to be more effective than talking. As soon as she senses that it could be "heavy" she shuts down. I mean doesn't even remember what I said but remembers that she didn't like it. On the other hand I could debate for hours. I should have done it in school and got it out of my system. Seriously, when a R is strained either marital or otherwise consider writing as a way to communicate effectively. I call it grenade communication. You pull the pin and walk away and by the time it goes off you are far away. The receiver then has time to think about it and doesn't just "react".
I hate the week before vacation. Why is it to take off 40 hours we have to work 60 the week before and 60 the week after? It will be a lot of fun even though I didn't get as in shape as I was last year. I didn't have the "marital stress diet" working for me this year. And no I am not complaining about that. We are going to the Jimmy Buffett concert on Saturday. The forecast isn't great but if we have half as much fun as last year that will be fine. The friends of my W that were helping me last year are going along. My W invited them which I found a little odd. The H is the nicest guy ever and I know he and I will have a good time. Maybe our W can restart their friendship. My W still feels betrayed by them that they took "my side". Once in a heated discusiion about this I said "they thought what you were doing was wrong". Well they did, but they were also worried about both of us.
I don't have much time but I had to shre this.
The Husband Shopping Center
A Husband Shopping Center has opened in Atlanta, where a woman can go to choose from among many men to be her husband. It is laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascend. There is, however a catch. You're only allowed in once. Once you open the door to any floor, you must choose a man from the floor. If you go up a floor, you can't go back down except to exit the building. So, a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door says : Floor 1: These men have jobs and love kids. The woman reads the sign. "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids but I wonder what is further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign says: Floor 2: These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good-looking. "Hmmm, better" says the woman. "But I wonder what is futher up?" The third floor sign says: Floor 3: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the housework. "Wow" says the woman, "very tempting, but there is more further up!" And so again, she goes up. The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4: These men ahve high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me." (That's how women talk in Georgia) "But just think... what must be waiting further up?" So up to the fifth floor she goes. The sign on that door says: Floor 5: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping. Have a nice day."
My W actually sent me this along with a thank you for her massage last night. I replied "That must make me a Floor 4 kind of husband."
I hope you all enjoyed that one. How about this for an example of a comeback. Floor 1: Looks like Jody Foster, caring, tolerates sex, somewhat loyal. Floor 2: Looks like Cheryl Crow, real sweetheart, likes sex, loyal Floor 3: Looks like Anna Kornikova, heart of gold, loves sex, faithful Floor 4: Looks like Pamela Anderson, nicer than mom, nymphomaniac, extremely faithful.
The difference is most men would quit at Floor 2. We are just not that motivated.
Well TBone, its been a long time since we were on here-you going crazy with me, trying as hard as any one person could, to help another who was at every turn hindering her sitchuation. Now, in retrospect, I'm not sure if anything I did would have made a difference in the sitchuation I find myself in now. That's my story though and I won't subject you to the details of the last several months.
I'm sorry to see you back on here. I came over to "piecing" just to see how some of the veterans are doing. Does this ever end for any of us? Once we reach the point where we come here, do we ever get the"Fairy Tale"?
I have heard of several reconciliations on here, but do they get the Fairy Tale ending? Only they would know.
If we ever get the Fairy Tale, does it last? Didn't all of us on here think that's what we were starting out with? I'm not sure where I'm heading with this because I want "it" and I'm almost convinced that it will never happen with my H. There are two things we can do to give ourselves a reality check in our M. Number one: Look back......all the way back. Was it EVER your fairy tale? Number Two: Look forward......what are the odds of it ever being your fairy tale? I'm in a much different place than you Tbone in my M. If my H was COMMITED to our M then I would keep looking for that fairy tale no matter what I thought the odds were. That's what commitment is. I'll compare it to what our minister said about faith. Faith in God is mostly just that-faith. We believe because we have faith-not concrete proof of anything. If we had concrete proof then we wouldn't need faith. But....once in a while you get that miracle or something that happens in your life that reiniforces your faith. Something you know beyond a doubt that is of God.
Think of fairy tales Tbone. When the fairy tale becomes reality, that's where the story always ends. For all of us it begins with the fairy tale and then goes on to all of life's realities. Jobs, stress, kids, tragedies, divorces, etc.
You have a choice here, where many of us don't. Our S makes the choice for us.
I hope you can find that happiness in your M that you need.
I hope you can work through your feelings of anger and frustration at your W. I hope she is as commited to your M as you are. I hope only good things for you because you deserve to be happy. Mostly, we have to find our own happiness as you well know.
You are a very goal oriented person. Set some goals for YOURSELF that will make YOU happy. Your posts of those of unease and restlesness and basically you sound just plain stressed out. You have reason to be, you've been through ALOT. You don't strike me as someone that would try to live up to anyone else's expectations because those you have for yourself are probably higher.
You have to be true to you first and foremost.
You have been such an ENORMOUS help to many on this board. Now it's your turn. Let us be a support for you. Your answers will have to come from you, but in the midst of a storm we all need our compasses to help us see what direction we are going. Rachael
I didn't even recognize you when I first read your post. You "sound" so different than before. You sound comfortable and calm. I know acceptance is critical to survival and I see you found it. I wish so hard that what we posted back and forth would help your sitch. Three years ago I thought everything was fixable but I know better now. Everything happens for a reason and usually that reason remains a mystery at least for awhile. You know that I have the never say die mentality but I am getting wiser in finally realizing that we won't always "win". I think sometimes that I am simply afraid to give up.
My sitch is "so minor" compared to what most of you are dealing with but I have always been a worrier and planner. I am in a good place but I don't like the "forecast". That is why I came back. You always help me to be objective of my sitch. Not easy to do when I over-analyze everything. One observation I made in our sitch's is what an A does to a R. I don't know for certain that it was a PA but EA for sure. I struggle with forgiveness and I think your H had the same problem. On days when I am not happy with her or things she does I start plotting "revenge". My mode becomes that I "owe her one". Let her feel the pain of betrayal. It makes me feel bad that my thoughts even go there at all. Maybe it is simply part of the healing, and recovery process. I hope so.
We did have a great family vacation with her whole family (13 adults, 12 kids!)at the lake home. All of the boys waterskied, fished, swam, etc. Our fishing time together is awesome. They all enjoy it so much and the 8 yr old caught a really nice fish. My W is still having a very hard time with losing her F 5 months ago. The lake house was his sanctuary and full of "him". Her whole family is very strong but everybody breaks down at some point. Her F passing actually brought us much closer together for a while. She seemed focused on being more like her F but that has weakened somewhat. She just can't find "herself". It is a constant pursuit of "something" because she can't get comfortable in her own skin. I try to help and that is something that I probably need to stop.
I will get my fairytale someday but you are right in that reality takes the "shine" off of fairytales from time to time.
Glad to see that you are finding Rachael back. That is the most important part of this whole journey.
Selfish, selfish, selfish. My W must be convinced that the world owes her something. Every once in a while I actually speak my mind with her and she doesn't like that. I can only manage to "fake it" for so long. Eventually I get set off and tell her how I see things. I wish I could dump the baggage instead of just bottling it. She does the same things over and over again and then even the little things irritate me. I know we are supposed to forgive but how is that possible when they don't stop "needing forgiveness". Well, you know what I mean.
There is no EA or PA crap it is just mostly financial isses. I should be better at dealing with this by now but I am too fed up. My friend said to work harder on my spirituality and that never hurts. Just venting and complaining, TBONE
Hey T, This is not the first time you mentioned it doesn't work for you to bite your tongue and bottle it up. Actually bottling it up inside is not the same as "letting it go". You need to find a way to release it so you don't lash out later at your W with resentment.
Instead of bottling it up, how about coming here afet each incident instead of storing it until you can't take it anymore. That way too, you can get tips on 180's to work at without the built up stress levels.
When you speak your mind, how do you approach her? The 180 might be using a slightly different tact in the way you express yourself or just in timing or setting.
Let us help you find a different way to handle it...
KAW, That is exactly what I am trying to do. Find a better way to handle it. I don't mean to bottle it. I try to let it go by writing her e-mails and then not sending them (I have one ready to go right now). I try to see the positive in what she does and I call a friend of mine who helps me to see long term. I do very well for a while and then she does something else that makes me feel taken advantage of. I also called a local therapist but she is out until November. What I would like to do is flush all the old "stuff" from my memory so the little things would be only that instead of a reminder of all the similar things that she has done in the past.
My base problem is whether I really love her. If I did the forgiveness, trust, and understading would be much easier. I just can't keep forgiving the same thing over and over again. Not looking for justification and support for what I am doing just looking to change my thought process on it.
