I am unhappy with how she self-sabotages, her deceit, her lack of accountablity, and her laziness. I am unhappy with myself for not loving her enough to look past these things and DB to help the M. With all she has put me through my tolerence is shot so I get "set-off" my too many little things. I take the blame for that but have not been able to stop it yet. Keyword "yet". I will win this battle with myself for my own good and a better R with my boys,clients, employees, etc.
I feel like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman" in that I want the "Fairy Tale". I want one woman that loves me and I her. I have been blessed with so many things in my life but I lack what I want the most. Anything that I have set my mind to I have achieved but I am failing at my M right now. I think I have anger problems in that I feel justified when I go off on someone who I feels "deserves it". I have been effective with it in that I don't "rip them apart" I simply let them in know in no uncertian terms that I will not tolerate their "crap". I have done this with supervisors, clients, associates, etc. I have an exponential temperment in that I am pretty cool for a while but when someone is just begging for it I will let them have it. It works because it usually catches them by surprise. It no longer works with my W because she has "deserved it" too many times already. My routine with her has become to just remove myself from the problem until I cool off and let my "quiet" behavior tell her that I am not pleased.
God teaches us things by the challenges he puts in front of us and I know I have learned from theses "tests" in the past. The problem is that if I hear that line about "God not giving us more than we can handle" one more time I will have to knock that person out. The combination of sick children, my W having to CPR my oldest back to life, losing a child, emergency hysterectomy, M problems, and losing my FIL, confidant, partner, mentor in the heat of tax season has maxed me out.
People that know my W and I always ask how we do it. When I figure it out I will let you all know. I just keep thinking that life has to get easier. I quess it is but it is hard to see sometimes because I am just so "tired" of being "tested".
In conclusion, I feel that my W is preventing me from being happy by her actions and how they make me feel disrespected and not loved. I know my happiness is in my hands but I hope she doesn't push me to want to find my happiness away from her. I want our boys to be raised by us in a positive household. That phrase needs to get posted somewhere that I look at it everyday because that it what makes me tick.
I am going to the Y to relieve some stres and remove my "tax season" fat. Yes, I know it should be gone by now!
Have a PMA weekend,
TBONE
P.S. I have to be a groomsmen for my cousin's wedding tomorrow. That is making me sad too because the bride-to- be has serious "issues" that will make their M very difficult at best. I got nominated by the family to talk him out of it but obviously I didn't.
