I threw out a mayday yesterday and I thank you all for responding. It is all about me, me ,me and my love or lack there of for my W. I rely on this BB and two very good friends for input on my sitch. The responses are always quite similar but most informative from you guys. I am not "choosing" to love her or "choosing" to be happy. That is probably why my Dbing has faltered lately. No excuses, just losing focus on my priorities.
Let me give you all some background on my last 6 months. New years' eve was a disaster with fighting about her business and activities of 2002. Long story short, she has seen what she wants and it is me but only if I don't bring up the past. I agreed dredging is no good but also she shouldn't think she gets a free pass on it. Things were great right up until Feb. 12 @ 3:00p.m. when I received a call in my BIL and business partner's office that his and my W father, my FIL and business partner had been killed in a snowmobile accident in Houghton, Michigan. We were all in a state of shock as we tried to figure out what to do, who to call, how to tell my MIL, and how to tell a community that a great civic leader was dead. It was devastating for a couple of days and then God and my FIL gave us the strength to move on and flourish. He was simply an amazing and accomplished man to all. He even helped me through last years R issues with my W.
The family is now stronger, the firm is still flourishing and the community has honored him with many awards post-humously. My W handled it all very well with the exception of feeling that she never got to make him proud of her. Her self-esteem didn't need that kick in the pants. I did everything I could to support her, the boys, her family, the firm, his/my clients. We survived tax season very well as a family and business. My W was actually hearing how impressed her dad's clients were with me. It feels strange advising people that are 40 years your senior. It feels even more strange when they actually follow the advice.
Our R was positive for about 3 months after his death and then we fell back into the same ruts. She needed more money for her business so she just took it out of our personal funds without my knowledge. She has done this before so I was furious. That is why her business is my business. At least now she is looking at selling it. I told her with her business and spending habits she makes me feel like her financier more than her husband. I made the mistake of showing her how our income will rise dramatically this and next year. I did it to show her that it is coming but she needs to be patient. Combine that with me carrying most of the load at home and trying to step into my FIL shoes, I am tapped out. Responsibility overload makes me very intolerant. I think my LL is financial stability and touch. I thrive when I have them and suffer when I don't. A while back I tried to explain that to my W that I want to be debt free in three years. I feel I need this for several reasons. Financial strain makes me crabby, I want to have large borrowing power because of the business opportunities my profession gives me, and if W wants to leave the boys will be able to remain in our current home. Call it covering all of my bases.
I am not planning on going anywhere but it may not be my choice. What is my choice is to just realize she is who she is and I need to cope better. Waiting for her to change will only make me bitter in the end. I am a little slow at comprehending that. I know what she is capable of but I don't think she does. For several months I was just leading by example but then I screwed up and started keeping score. Then came resentment and expectations, man I hate those guys. It's all about me! When I take care of me everything else seems to get better.
You know how little things add up and cummulatively become a problem. I think I am letting my W, difficult cliens, and some underperforming partners combine their negative forces to make me mad. I feel like some days I am dragging most of the world along with me as I try to perform my duties.
Whne my FIL passed a felt like I had to pick up the slack in the firm, the community, and at home. He would never had allowed these distractions to hinder him. He was a rock to all. I am working very hard to emulate him and it just is going to take some time and maturity on my part.
One thing I have learned in the last year and all of the struggles is that I will be happy and I will succeed no matter what or who gets in my way. That isn't just talk either. My current problem is I am trying to go through issues instead of around them. I need to quit trying to "fix" everyone around me and just take care of me. The rest should fall into place and if it doesn't , I will find another way.
Nice novel, huh?
TBONE
P.S. I am doing things for me like lifting and playing basketball three times a week and golfing very well periodically. In an outing last week I hit a 3 wood 270 yds from the fairway to the green over water. However, I missed the 20 ft eagle putt. Earlier in the round I hit a monster 340 yd drive. Reality came back on my next round as I hit 5 balls out of bounds. Isn't golf like life. I took the kids to the trout pond and we had a blast. Best part was nobody got a hook in them.
