So he came back and we had a pretty decent conversation about his father, with me trying to be a good, supportive listener. Definitely an area in which I have work to do.
Despite many moments of temptation, I didn't look at his cell phone this morning.
I'm considering asking him - in 48 hours - if he's been in touch with 'Andy' lately. I'm also going to read more of DR so I may change my mind, but it would be two 180s - no snooping and a calm, direct question addressing my concern, rather than making a big emotional deal of it.
good job- waiting this out is a good idea- it is too much in the moment rght now- i agree he is sending mixed signals- but what i would do is take the good signs and leave the bad signs...and maybe get out and do more for yourself...can you go anywhere or be less predictable with your whereabouts? It seems to me that you are very attached to all of his actions- lets try ways to get you to detach- what ides do you have?
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
pisces is right about waiting and trying to focus on YOU! Go do something that you've been wanting to do but haven't had the time to do. Do you have a friend that you can call? Do everything you can to change the focus from your h and how screwed up he is to YOU. He's an MLC mess right now and you can't change that, so accept it and move on to YOU!
Yesterday he was going out to play baseball (subbing for someone) and I told him that I was glad that he was going to get out and have some fun and destress. H said thank you and we kissed goodbye. That was good, but again he was quite distant when he got home, came to bed after I was asleep.
This morning I hugged him and told him I missed him, and of course started to cry. I can't talk about this at all without crying and I know it's an issue for him - irritates him when I cry. Anyway, I managed to stop the tears and told him that it was okay that he was confused, but that he seemed so stuck and commented that none of the options for getting unstuck seemed to appeal to him. He said it wasn't a great place to be - stuck - but didn't want to talk any further, so I changed the subject and then came into the office. When it was time for him to leave, he stayed farther away than usual, just in case I leapt on him, I guess.
This is not productive at all, apparently.
I don't really have anyone to call. In the last few years, as stress and depression have been taking over my life, I've pulled deeper and deeper into myself. My book club gets together once a month and we've been doing that for about 10 years, but I don't talk about myself much. Last year, I invited a couple of women out for appies and drinks around Christmas time, but I felt it was kind of awkward - anyway, we haven't done it again.
The one person who I would really call a friend and who knows most of what is going here doesn't live in the same city. I could and should make more of an effort to call her, but because I don't want to talk about what's going on - because I'll just cry the whole time and because I'm pretty sure she doesn't quite get why I'm trying to stay married to a man who has done the things my H has done and because her husband is wonderful and sensitive and would never do this to her in a million years - our infrequent conversations since last fall have felt felt 'false' to me. My friend and her family were here last weekend for a day, passing through on their way somewhere else, and I think it's part of what pushed my H away again, having someone else around who knows what he has done kind of shoved it in his face. I knew he was pulling away before that, though.
I am writing an exam at the end of July to become a Lactation Consultant, something I've been wanting to do for years and I'm really excited about it.
I tried out kayaks this past weekend and signed up for lessons at some point - I think I'll call them again and see where that's at. I love being on the water and while it's not practical to have my own, they also offer group trips occasionally, so I'll try to get in on those. It's good for me to get out amongst small groups of strangers and interact with them. I have this picture of myself as always on the outside, with people feeling relieved when I go away - probably due to the amount of moving we did when I was growing up, plus some other stuff - and spending time with people who don't know me allows me to try to change that picture of myself.
This is why my H wants to leave - he wants to just shed everything and be a different person with people who don't know him. His 'clean break' idea is a fantasy though, as we have kids that will still need a dad.
I love to spend time in the garden and my morning walks continue to be a sanity saver. Plus I'm looking not bad for an old broad.
ok! kayak, garden, walks...this is all good.. what else can you do each day to make y ourself feel better...
and i was depressed a few years back- i had pushed all my freinds away (and my H)..now i have a few women in my life who are so important to me and i would be lost without them...all it takes is one to start... so call your friend and tell her you need to cry- do not be ashamed...then maybe you will meet some other women doing the things you love....
one huge thing that breaks the depression is changing behavior and getting out and trying new things..it is not easy but one new thing us a huge step.
you are already on this path...
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
You sound alot like me- I crave my time alone. It may be related to stress and depression, but I haven't had the energy to meet new people and make new friends either.
You definitely have a great list of GAL activities. Now, how can you use them to try to divert your attention from your h? Is there something you can use, like an elastic band around your wrist to try to stop yourself from starting R talks with him?
And... you're certainly not Fing up all over the place! Hugs...
I was going over the KLA threads, gearing up, and you placed the link to your thread. I read your first post and last few... and while I only have a few minutes and am not feeling well...I wanted to post to you.
You have positives and negatives that take a toll on you. It's wearing you down. I haven't seen where you are taking medication, but it may help you trememdously. I have been there. It's only natural that this would wear you out....it's hard to deal with.
You have a lot of strengths and are doing a lot of positive things....I just feel you need some support/relief....and a doctor might be able to help. (I do NOT think you are weak or a nut case. On the contrary.....)
Btw...you express yourself and your situation very well. I really like the way you write. You're an admirable person, and I like how even feeling down, you are doing things that are great as far as GAL.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
thanks, everyone - hard to type now, since reading your words has made me cry
I should be studying, because failing this exam is not what I need to do right now. I also have work to do this weekend and S's baseball games to attend, not to mention the usual messy house nonsense. Instead, I'm here, because I am so confused and feeling like I need to DO something, anything, and I'm hoping for suggestions that will prevent it from being a big huge mistake something.
As I mentioned, I reached out to my H and it seemed to have the effect of pushing him further away. I spent some lovely days just being MAD - I've been working so hard at this and really trying to make our R a comfortable place for him and this seems to irritate him. Almost everything I said seemed to piss him off - not that he said anything, but I know him well enough that I get the tone/body language.
It felt so good - I was just like whatever, do what you want, azzhole. I was polite but didn't talk to him much - I know he noticed the distance. For about a week, he has been making it a point to stay up until I'm asleep, avoid any physical contact, etc.
The last few nights, he has come to bed while I'm still awake. I've been keeping to my side of the bed, though and nothing has happened. Night before last, he cuddled up behind me for a few minutes and I just stayed still. After a little while, he moved away.
Last night there was 'activity' on his side of the bed, which he eventually took out of the room.
I think he's back in touch with someone - his behaviour around the cell phone is a bit weird again - and I will not be used as an outlet for sexual energy generated by his R with someone else. Had years of that, thank you very much.
This morning, he again cuddled up behind me, but it was time for me to get up and walk, so I did. No sign of interest in sex - seems to be going out of his way to avoid it.
The effect of the physical contact has been to rip away my protective anger though. Really not giving a sh!t felt good but now I'm a mess again. What's wrong with me? Why do I even want this guy?
We can't go on like this. It's the best way to get him to move out. A couple of days ago, I thought I would great his announcement that he was leaving with a hearty 'it's about time!'. Today I think I'm not completely ready to give up yet, but I don't have clue what to do about it.
At first, it seemed my moving away was drawing him a bit closer to me, but now he's moving away again.
I suppose I don't have much to lose at this point. With everything I've learned since last fall, we could have such a good R - how can he still be thinking about walking away? Throwing away the chance to make something really wonderful and to protect our children from the pain of losing their family - what's wrong with HIM?
I'm a lovely picture right now, tears and snot running down my face. I'm going to pull myself together and reread everyone's kind words and then I am going to study!
scgtxok, thanks for posting when you're not feeling well. I've been on ADs since my H dropped the bomb last fall and absolutely would not have gotten through this without them.
