Hi, just popping in quickly on my way out again. I really am addicted.
I'm a bit sick. I was hanging with a close girlfriend this morning, who is having H trouble. She started talking about how he treats her, how he talks to her, how harsh he is with their little tiny kids, ages 3 & 5. How he expects to be obeyed in his own home. How he tells her what a good life she has, how he wishes he could stay home & play with the kids all day. Ugh !
My stomach flipped over. I started getting a headache, & feeling lightheaded. I needed more air. I told her I could help her, if she wanted.
She's not ready to be helped. It hasn't been long enough for her. They've only been married 7 years. It started reminding me of the way my H used to be. It took me back mentally, & emotionally into those old feelings. I feel like I'm going to throw up.
He comes home tonight. I remember for the last 12 years when he was coming back into town, I'd get sick. I'd get anxious. I'd wish he would be gone longer. I was so much more comfortable with him out of the house. I was safe emotionally when he was gone. I wished so many times that he'd never come home. I thought he knew what I needed, & was refusing to be there for me. I felt so controlled. I felt trapped.
It's different now, but it's almost like my body is remembering the old feelings. Re-conditioning learned helplessness. I know all the terms for it. I should become a psychologist. I've gone through enough CBT to run my own support group. Why doesn't my body know that ?
How long does it take for my brain to catch up ?
just rambling, just letting my thoughts pour out, no filter, no censor, just me.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
know that feeling.. still have them... have you done any reading about PTSS?
I have recently started talking with a friend as well regarding her M and her H. I think she sought me out now that I look back on how this interactionplayed out. I sent her your "she wanted you to know" post. She called to tell me thank you and ending up crying on the phone. We're doing coffee tomorrow.
You touch lives beyond those here. Enjoy the reunion tonight!
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
know that feeling.. still have them... have you done any reading about PTSS?
I have recently started talking with a friend as well regarding her M and her H. I think she sought me out now that I look back on how this interactionplayed out. I sent her your "she wanted you to know" post. She called to tell me thank you and ending up crying on the phone. We're doing coffee tomorrow.
You touch lives beyond those here. Enjoy the reunion tonight!
Wow, Bridge, thank you so much for telling me this. I'm so grateful that we all here have each other to learn from, lean on, & encourage. It's really an amazing place. Pay it forward, at it's best.
Hugs.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
p.s. Post traumatic stress syndrome ? Yes, that's my "official" diagnosis, along with several others.
hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
SC! you are a pro at CBT thats for sure- it is still our amygdala that holds onto the fear based motivations in our brains- thats a hard tiny price of our brain that reminds us of all our fight or flight modes- so even though you have grown and change beyond belief- it will recall events form the past and trigger this behavior. fun stuff being human!
thanks for your reply to me- i met with my H yesterday and it went very well. i have no need to be cold to him. but i have done a HUGE 180 and not brought up R and he is pursuing me...and opening up big time and acknowledging all the things he did that were not good for us...
you can hit me with whatever you want! i love your input.
take care and have fun with your H! how long has he been gone? what are your "plans" with him tonight??!! he he
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
fb2, Before I met H, I stayed at most jobs about 6 months. Just long enough to learn it, get bored with it, & move on. My mom called me a Gypsy (tee hee, & you wonder why Gypsy & I are so tight, we're twins separated at birth). I would move often too. Staying put was always hard for me too.
I'll ask him your questions tonight, & get back to you.
I know both people have to be willing to face their own stuff. Most people want to start fixing the other persons stuff. DR is all about doing your own stuff, & hoping the person realizes it & comes around in time.
I survived childhood. I moved out at 16. I was on my own for 9 years. I was very strong & fiercely independent when I married H. I just couldn't stand up to him year after year after year of fighting. I wanted things to be peaceful, & nice. So, I folded. I began to lay down, I became a doormat. Then, I began to hate myself again, like when I was a child. Thinking, it was all my fault, I let it happen.
Then, one day, I saw H talking down harshly to my 17 year old son. I recognized the look on my sons face. I made a decision, I would fight back with everything in me. I had to, I had 4 kids that needed to learn how it feels to be treated respectfully by an adult male. My D14 is going to be dating soon, I needed her dad to treat me like a Queen, so she would choose appropriate dating partners & eventually a husband.
I just got home from an award ceremony over at the school. My S9 was awarded with the character trait "Fairness" for the 3rd grade. He also got 500 out of a possible 500 on the CRT testing.
I would do ANYTHING for my kids. Even stand up to an adult male who had been emotionally abusing me for close to 14 years.
Not every woman can survive what I did. By all reasonable statistics, I should be a crack wh*re or dead by now. I'm not. I'm here hanging out with you awesome people.
Phew, this is as good as my $175 an hour C.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hiya SC....I hear you about your friend with the 'slightly unsatisfactory husband' and how it triggered you. Yet you (darling woman that you are) still offered to help.
You know, I think she is ready to be helped. She reached out and talked to you. I think we both know that talking about it is the first step. It is the first step when you find out that everyone elses relationships are not like that, it starts to make you wonder what's wrong. Usually however, it is the wife (or abused person) that assumes that they are doing something wrong. Not always true.
I've got a request for you to help out Going Forward. I think she's in a position where you can help.
I'll say it again...you are the QUEEN of Survival and Life.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
LOL, I just talked to H on the phone, & mentioned that a few guys had a few questions. I asked if he would mind answering them when he's not so tired.
He said "you taught me EVERYTHING I know, why would they ask me anything".
I can't wait for him to get home.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
