It was a pleasure to meet you last night - I hope that we can all get together again sometime soon - maybe a golf outing!
I noticed you haven't posted in a while but I'll just tack my thoughts onto the end here.
From your posts and what we spoke about last night, you're doing some excellent 180s and changes in yourself. I think you've really accomplished the "working on yourself" part of things ... or at least you're well on your way down the right path. Like I said last night, I don't think we're ever actually done changing ourselves.
Now though, I think the focus needs to go back to the R and what you can do alone to improve things between you and your H.
The first thing I'd like you to do is remember back to that vacation with the family and list the 5 things your H would list as the contributors to the breakdown of the R. These can be things about him, you, other outside influences, whatever. Just list these here and then we can start to understand them further and break them down.
I can't remember if you said this or not but have you read the 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman? If not, that should be the top of your list right now.
Secondly, for your H, I would recommend The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck... if he'll read it. The entire book is pretty good but the section that desribes love is so excellent. Like Ceb said last night, to feel love you have to be doing loving actions.
And lastly (in my book corner here), I would recommend the KLA tape series of Michele's for at least you though it would be great if your H would work through it too. This is something that's going to help you focus on the things that go on in your R and how to fix them, how to meet each other's needs, how to communicate, etc. It focuses on solutions and actions which is the most important thing to do.
Now, there are a few other things I picked up out of your threads that I wanted to comment on:
He said just talk to me, we can't continue to build up resentment. I then finally said....why don't you tell me the name of the person you are seeing, why do you keep things from me? He sighed, and said....don't smother me.
In this interaction, why do you think he probed your thoughts and then put up a wall again? Do you think there was any way you could have approached this differently? Do you think there is any other way you could have let him know your feelings?
I've always been a big advocate of the "I feel" statement method because you want to express your feelings but not put blame or guilt on the other person with your words.. nor do you want them to get defensive in any way because that doesn't help your cause. So, in addition to the "I feel" statement, this is why I think you need to concentrate on understanding his feelings and how your words and actions affect him. (This is what the homework above is all about.. eventually.)
I read my books, read here in the forum, talk to myself, and try to think of DBing tactics. Then, he comes hoe grouchy, I I get pouty...H notices, we talk briefly and then quickly apoligize.
Interesting pattern of interaction here - what can you do to break out of this pattern? What can you do differently? How do you know the argument/bad interaction is over? Can you use that trigger earlier on?
