Bring on the Rain - Part 3

[SueS]

Sara-

Thanks for the advice. I keep a pretty close watch on my purse. I'll make sure he can't find it.

SueS

[SueS]

Good morning-

Well, H and I had agreed to talk last night about things. He'd sent the nasty email on Monday and I hadn't responded. I acted as if I'd never even received it. Well, actually, I told a little white lie. I wasn't sure as how to respond, so I told him that it hadn't come through until yesterday due to problems with my email (it came through Monday). Just as I was giving my response one last look, another email came through from him. This one very short and to the point. He just asked me what I was expecting/anticipating that he would pay toward D4's expenses & what I expected him to take of our belongings. I asked if we could talk last night. As mentioned above, we both agreed we'd do that. I did let him know in my response that D4 has had questions that need to be answered.....Are we moving?....Mommy, are we going to live there? (as we pass by our new apt. complex)....Mommy, are you always going to be here to take care of me? (made me cry).

H got home last night and announced that he was taking D4 and I to dinner. Nothing fancy....just a burger & some ice cream. We actually had a good time. We sat outside and could see ourselves in the building's window. D4 announces....Mommy, Daddy, you guys are seperated! We both looked at each other wondering if the other had told her anything. Then she said....look, in the window, you are seperated by me. She was sitting in the middle of us. On the way home, H took a different route, which took us directly past the apt. complex that D4 and I will be living at.

We got home and H started watching the All Star game. D4 wanted to play a game & got a little whiney about it. H did okay, but still is a little short fused with her. H fell asleep on the couch. I took D4 into the bedroom and was getting her to sleep when I heard H get up. I went out into the den and asked if he'd be up for a while so we could talk. He said he thought he'd be up, but asked if we could talk tonight when he gets home. So, I did let him know that it needs to be done and that I hadn't forgotten about it, but hopefully it's done tonight.

A short time after, I heard H come into the bedroom and grab his workout clothes. I woke up at 2:00 am and he was not home. I had a difficult time getting back to sleep and almost went to sit on the deck just to see what time he'd get home. I did get back up at 4:00 and he was asleep in the den. My first thought was how angry I was that he fully blamed me for our situation, as if I have a choice in turning things around....yet he's not home at 2:00 am. Let it go Sue, let it go.........

I sent emails to some of you yesterday and I really appreciate the responses more than you know. I did ask one of you a few other questions though and I'll put the questions out here too. I know this isn't all my fault, but does the feeling of guilt ever end? My feeling of guilt is more toward D4. I sat yesterday morning watching her sleep and all I could do was cry and say I am sorry. I've felt like crying a lot the past few days. I haven't felt like that in a while. Maybe because I'm coming so close to actually letting go. I told another wise person (Rob) that it's hard sometimes because I know there's a good man in my H.....I have actually seen him before. I know it's been a while, but I can still remember him crying when D4 was born. He had to be away for a week when she was just 2 weeks old. I remember him running to the house from his car and snatching her from Grandma's arms because he missed her. I have a picture of her all snuggled up on his chest. Those are just a few of the many examples that come to mind. But, I also know that it's not my job to find out where that man has gone. He needs to come back on his own. Just makes me sad.

Well, have a great day everyone.

SueS

[SueS]

I received a call from OW's H today. Boy can he talk. It was for about an hr. & 1/2. Yes, as we both knew full well, the R between she and my H is still ongoing.

However........................

-OW appears to have NO plans, no place to move to yet, nothing in the works. She emailed her H about a week ago and said....Well, I guess you're probably wondering now that June has come and gone, what my plans are. He did not respond and she did not elaborate further.

-OW came home last Thursday night in tears, snuggled up to her H and let him wipe her tears and hold her.

-OW called her H last week and asked him to make some plans for them to go somewhere with the kids. Her H planned a weekend trip for them. They left Friday and came back on Sun. My H....very angry all weekend.

-OW has told her H that she does see good changes in him and he appears to be softening in her eyes, but she's scared that the changes won't stay.

-OW told her H that she loves him, but doesn't know if she can REALLY love him again.

-OW suggested about 6 weeks ago that the children's schools be changed. (Same time I saw emailed links for rentals in another area of the city). OW's H refused to let that happen, also telling OW that he refuses to let his children live with another man and be taken out of the comfort of the life they've known. He suggested that if OW did want to leave, that she get a small apartment on her own and have the kids over to visit....give it some time to see what she really wants. He seems to have put a bug in her ear!

-OW's oldest daughter (13) has become very angry, bitter about the situation. She's understanding that it's no longer just about mom & dad having issues, but about mom also having a boyfriend. She's commented to her dad that if mom wants to leave, mom needs to buy her own new things to set up a new place. Their 11-yr old son is also starting to grasp what is going on.

The other things that he talked about really went hand in hand with my H's comings, goings and roller coaster moods. My H seems very, very threatened when OW does anything that includes her H. I mentioned H not being home at 2:00 and he said....Yep Sue, OW didn't get home until 3:00. He still struggles with (as I do sometimes) the details of things....where they are, what they're doing....etc. OW's H said that he understands why I have to move forward. I admitted that if I didn't HAVE TO be out of my place soon that I would probably be in a different frame of mind. He also said...Sue, you're doing it all the right way. He told me that he thinks I'm handling it very well and that I'm strong.

We both agreed that it seems that fantasyland isn't looking like as great of a place to live as OW and my H thought it would be. I told OW's H that although the split between my H and I may allow them to be together more often, that I don't see it lasting. I worried about that for a while, but I just don't see it working out.

OKAY............That's what I'd written just a short while ago and was ready to send when my phone rang. It was my H.

-H has no idea what he's doing, where he's going at the end of our lease. He said he truly wishes he could get an apartment on his own but he doesn't feel he can afford that right now. I pushed H on what HIS plans were and where he was going to live come Aug. 1st......has no clue.

-H's next court date for his DUI is Aug. 7th and his attorney is not optimistic about the outcome because H was twice the legal BAC limit.

-H wants to help me move if I can get my move changed to next weekend instead of the 1st weekend of Aug.

-H (as I predicted) is considering moving back to IN by his family. He wants to see what his brother is doing (SIL is seeking a divorce). There is a branch office of his company that is not far from his dad's.

-H would not answer a question about OW and was surprised that I asked "What about your other relationship"? Told him I was not concerned one bit about OW, just wanted to know where that stood.

-H asked me if I was going to move home to SD. Told him no. He was surprised but I told him that I like it here. I like my job and even though my family would enjoy it and I'd get more support for D4, I am not ready to move there. With his possible thoughts of moving back to IN, it would hurt D4 even more to be that much further away from him.

H had to go and told me he'd talk to me later.

And so the confusion starts again. Is H trying to use me until things are set here?

SueS

[Rob1231]

I'm not sure that H is trying to use you, as much as desperately grasping at straws. Very sad. But IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Do what's right for you and D4 - he put this all into motion, and now it's up to him to either change his ways (seems unlikely to me, at least for the time being) or live with the consequences.

I commented to you a long time ago, I think OW sounds like a very typical MLC/WAS case. For the sake of her H and children, I really hope she is starting to "come out of it" - it certainly seems like a possibility. You probably have an understandable tendency to view her as a villain in your sitch, but try to remember she's another lost, confused, and hurting person like so many others we read about here.

Hugs for ((((Sue)))) and ((((D4))))!

[SueS]

Rob-

I'm just confused and have been doing a lot of crying today. I was on the phone with a friend in tears and a big group of people gathered around my desk....as I sit right outside the VP's office. I had to to my best to hide my tears.

I think it's natural to see the OW as a villian. That being said, I do see that she's a clearly lost soul. I'm glad the her H is seeing the positives in his situation. As much as I hate to admit it, I KNOW that I had the same feelings about my H that she has about hers. The feelings that for a long time I couldn't communicate with him, the feeling of not feeling truly loved and feeling confused because I loved him but really had the little guy in the back of my mind asking if I should walk....or in other words, be the WAW. I could just never get myself to do it. I'd break down each time I thought about it because I loved him too much. I don't think I'd be able to talk to or stomach ever seeing OW again, but as hard as it is to admit, I do understand her feelings.

I'd do anything to just go home right now, dig a hole, crawl in and hope that when I crawl out life is rosey & sweet!

SueS

[saffie]

Sue,

You haven't let your D down and shouldn't feel guilty about any of this.

I agree with Rob that your H is grasping at straws. Don't let him use you. I can see him moving with you and this continuing whilst OW decides what she is doing - don't let them try to do that to you.

The fact that you can view OW with sympathy is just amazing and shows what a big person you are.

I must admit I am a bit suspicious about your H's offer to help you move a bit earlier....I can't forget his keenness to get the deposit on your current rental back. Be careful Sue.

[Rob1231]

Hang in there, Sue! Sorry you are having such a rough day.

I thought I heard a little bit of guilty feelings as you talked about feeling like a potential WAS. Please realize, that is completely normal, and you don't have to beat yourself up about it. There's not a relationship here where the WAS was so unhappy they walked out, but the LBS was blissfully happy. It just doesn't work that way! A relationship is, by definition, what happens between two people - nobody gets to the brink of D without both parties contributing to that state through their actions or inactions.

There have been a number of WAS's who have come here to share their stories and seek help. The thing that always astonished me was that their feelings and fears and hopes were so very much like what we LBS's went through. In the end, this is very rarely about the "good spouse" and the "bad spouse". If anything, I would usually sum it up as "the spouse who confronts their problems and works their butt off to try to save the M" and "the spouse who blames other people and gives up on the M".

When push came to shove, YOU were the one who set out to Bust your Divorce. YOU were the one who was strong and tackled the tough issues. YOU were the one who gave your little girl a safe harbor. Don't you talk like you have failed, because you didn't. You've done everything a person could to improve yourself and your sitch, and we are very, very proud of you.

[Sara]

Sue,

I would offer advice if I had some, but I don't. Your H has disliked your steadiness all this time, but now he is looking for a solid rock to cling to, and you are looking pretty good. Yes, he is unstable, OW is unstable, the 2 of them together are really unstable, so he is left trying to hold sand in his hands. Perhaps going home to his parents is the best thing for him. He is still a child. And getting away from the responsibility of fathering D4 might help him decide if he wants to stay a child or become an adult. ((((Sue))))

[SweetRedd]

Sue,

HUGGGGS...I'm so sorry you're having a rough day. Rob is right as usual You do what's best for you and D4 and please don't let your H's plans deter you from what's best for you and D4. If moving a week early is the right thing, then take him up on it. If not, then do what is best and easiest for you. You H is a piece of work.. he leaves you in the dark for months and now that separation he forced in near, he has the nerve to cry to you about his lack of plans? About his DUI? He's still looking ahead to what's best for HIM and what will protect HIS interests and life. Please take note that he's interested in what you're doing in relation to how it effects him only. What about you.. what about D4?

I'm so proud of you that you have things together and know what you want.. are doing so well with the hand you've been dealt. You're AMAZING!! I don't know of anyone who's shown the grace you have in a situation like this. You're a classy lady Sue... don't forget that.

Sheila

[LL44]

Everything's been said that I might say or agree with.

OW sounds like my H's OW. She actually sat in marriage counseling, crying, saying "I love you (to her H), but I love (lwb's H) too!"

Can't have everything hon!

Oh and how sad that OW's kids know what's going on. If she is any kind of mother, you would hope that would affect her. Like Rob said, if this IS an MLC for OW, I hope for her kids (and H, if he still wants to be married) that she comes to her senses soon.

You haven't failed. You are doing great.

The guilt you feel for H is normal. And H is (maybe without realizing it) is playing into it for his benefit.

Cry away, Sue. The crying will stop, it always does for me. Then you pick yourself up and move on.