First thing first, I can't figure out how you guys make that post listing down below smaller so if someone can fix that great. If it doesn't work just search for my name and read my background if interested.
Okay where I left off.....he the following week found a way for me to log on to his business cell phone account so I can check out his phone for calls. He also gave me the passwords to his business computer.....it's not his but belongs to his company so it has to stay locked up tight for security reasons. He threw out and deleted everything that had to do with "her". I hate that word now!
He got us in contact with a Gottman based counsler who we see every week...pays cash for it and never batted an eye. This is the type of counsler Michelle recommends.
In the beginning it was hard, I now wished I hadn't ask so many questions about them. It's easier to wonder than to know....but a lesson learned. He was always honest about it, no matter what I asked about. He has been nothing but remorseful, guilty-feeling, and so happy that he has another shot with his family.
He has faced the music with all of our friends that live around us and did it with dignity and the appropriate words.
I will tell you it is very interesting where his mind was during this time. He felt unloved in his own home (he should have, I was a bitch most of the times) but always says "that's no excuse for what I did" He is a very sweet, happy man and he was not treated well by me. Well, "her" who does this all the time spotted him a mile away and pursued him like crazy. He was gone on an extended trip so she had plenty of time with him as they were working together. It's a game for her and an ego booster to attract men like that. Again he always says "no excuse" but he thought I didn't love him either and that he was just an ends to a mean for me.
This is irony now but all the time I thought he was pineing away for her over in his apartment he was really sad about what he had done to me. In his mind, he couldn't see how we could ever work since he ruined the sanctity of our marriage. He also said that because it was so against his character and the person he thought he was he had to convince him self that what he had with her was....real, all that and a bag chips Because if it wasn't....why did he do that to me?
He also has equated to what was going on as "being like brainwashing", all the stuff she would say to him soothed the wounds I inflicted. He says he knows that sounds like a copout because he shouldn't be that weak. He has really suffered from the guilt, shame, and pain from his actions. He has not bobbled since the day he ended it with her.
I found on an email account on June 17th that she had sent him 10 emails or so since his no contact conversation. I will say that NONE of the emails had been opened...so I read them...yuck..I responded from that email account.and nicely stated "I was on the phone listening when he ask you for no contact, now I am telling you to stop." I told her I prayed for her from Jan - May. I also cancelled that account. She can call him anytime or email his regular work account which she did not....sneaky huh?
How am I? Well it's tough to be in a marriage with a ghost of the past that pops up.....I couldn't be doing this if my husband hadn't returned to the man I knew/thought? he was. I don't know how people can reconcile any other way. I am treating my husband as he should have been treated for years. We are communicating like crazy. He officially moved out of his apartment on June 30th but stayed here whenever I invited him to. He has gone on a Month long trip to India and has arranged for the kids to visit family and is flying me out there for two weeks.
He has agreed to look for different employment...one that doens't require long travels. This was one of my reconcilation sticklers. In therapy it came out that I am mad that he has gone all the time. We agree we don't know what came first me acting like a biatch or him acting like a butt head at home...You know what? It doesn't matter. It was a terrible circle and we are saddened that our kids saw us bickering so much. We are not name callers and ugly fighters though.
So that's it in a nutshell...if anyone has any questions for me or for him being a whatever he was, I will ask him or answer to the best that I can.
I will say that life events can bring this stuff on and it wasn't until we sat down in the counslers office and the list was 6 major events in 2 years that he went wow I didn't realize we had all that going on.
I also recommend that if it's your husband that you use a male counsler. It is amazing how he can say something in counseling and the counselor will ask me what I heard and it's a complete 180 from what he meant, and vice versa.
I am keeping GAL too. I finished the semester with all A's, a ran a couple good races..one 5k in 24 min! and now am training for a 1/2 marathon.
I still read on the board and keep up with everyone and I continue to pray for all those who are still in their situations.
There are times when I look at him and am so in love and then the surprise time I looked at him and felt nothing, that happened a couple of time....that was scary. My counselor and our MC said this was normal...that I had DETACHED from the pain and hurt he caused that I will have to work through those feelings. I know the real love is there, it's buried under a bunch of stuff but it's there and the right thing to do is perserver through all these confusing emotions. I always just say to myself "what was my goal".
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
