Meeting WAS for first time. Any advice?

[MaxP]

Christa,

I'm still making my way through your crazy sitch 2 - I'm about half way through! Seems like there is much toing and frowing from your H.

There could be many reasons why he is not pushing for the D. He could be making a point that you started the breakdown so you must finish it. He could be undecided still, but excercising his feelings and flipping between viewpoints. It could also be financially beneficial for him to do nothing. He may just be lazy or plain scared to push the button. Inaction is easier than action. If he keeps changing his mind but is communicating still, then hopefully it's indecision that's stopping him.

With respect, from the LBS's perspective once you have been through this you know that no-one can promise that they will never leave again. You might have made that promise earlier in your R and have broken it. No-one has a crystal ball, just good intentions fixed at a particular point in time. In fact, it's not something that anyone can or should promise. You just hope that they will communicate and work to honour that intention for as long as it is reasonable to do so.

Do you believe you fully understand what lead you to the point of needing to leave? Can you be sure that those issues can be handled or dealt with if they came up again? He needs to understand what happened and why he didn't know what was going on. If he's anything like me, he will feel like he was never given a chance to help you or act to save things. Most of the time the LBS probably never realises the importance of what was going on in the pre-WAS's head. It is very important for the WAS to understand this, however much they feel that the message was clear. It is likely not to have been clear. How you deal with similar communication breakdowns in the future must be discussed and resolved. Finally, he needs to understand why you now feel differently. It will take time for him to believe it and that is where consistent actions will help.

I felt that my W said some really awful things to me and treated me like I didn't matter. I wanted to help so much once I realised what was going on, but it was too late for her. I could sense that much. I felt powerless, isolated and damned whatever I did. If I tried to fix things, it was too late and if I did nothing, I didn't care. That hurt me. I was left feeling that I had been publically betrayed and belittled. Just as the WAS feels trapped, responsible, lost / abandoned and that they have no other option but to leave. It is unfortunate that most of these problems could usually be fixed through improved communication, assuming that the will exists on both sides. That is the really sad thing.

Some of the things you say about him are very touching and powerful. Try to get him to understand that these are your beliefs. He will choose not to believe you, so once again we are back to actions + words.

With regard to my stich, my W has never given me any glimmer of hope since the bomb. My understanding of how she deals with things tells me that even if she changed her mind she would not act on that change. She always looks forward to new things, not fixing old problems. It's sad, because I can see her doing this again and again. Most of the time starting afresh does not deal with the issues from the past. They are ignored at ones peril. She tends to isolate herself over a long peroid of time, so doesn't seem to feel the pain as intensely as her partner. In her mind, it becomes their problem, not hers. As I have said before, the children issue becomes the final nail.

Do I still love her? Probably. I will live with the regret for a long time. This needn't have happened, but now it has. I know that we both need to shoulder some of the blame - but it was not all my fault.

I am not a spiritual or religoius person at all, but thank you for your good wishes in that direction. I'm glad that so many people here have their own faith to help them.

Finally, I have had an email. We will probably meet for a drink on Saturday. I will be very, very nervous.

Thanks,

Max