got the letter back this morning from the house. Went to see our pastor today. he told me if i love my wife as much as I say, do not agree to a divorce until its made official by the law (2 years). that made my day that he felt that way.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
Sorry the last note sounded aggresiive. What we failed to warn you on is that while a) you be loving to your wife you b) don't trust her as far as you can throw her
Remember she is giong to take things back to the OM and he is going to drive this...HE will tell her to use the letter to BURY you. You can't afford to be writing up drug usage and stuff in a letter...she will take that to the court and you are toast.
What I also wanted to say was, STOP talkigna bout the relationship. Do NOT trust your instincts...when things are good, instincts are good to trust, when tehy are BAD, instincts are the WORST THING you can rely on.
Own what you have done, acknowledge it with her verbally if the discussion INVITES it..if she's being cold, don't pressure her to talk about yoru R. If she seems at ALL open then toss her a LITTLE and see if she takes it...this is a lot like fishing...you must be careful not to scare away the fish.
Give her a bit at a time so you don't scare her off...
If she nibbles at ALL, throw her something. Her asking what you were doing with teh pastor was great, she's curious what you are up to...the OM will HATE that. lol
If it was a lawyer I would say its not a good sign, but there isn't any reason why someone 100% committed to leaving would ask why you are meeting with your pastor. She's interested...if she shows ANY intrest. SHARE with her...don't charge after her...answer back calmly and casually with a bit of fun in your tone...
WIFE : What are you meeting with our Pastor for?
HUSBAND : I had talked to him about some children's programs that I am volunteering for...nothing major. The Pastor's a great guy, so the more time I can spend learning from him the better. I get to coach some kids basketball games...it's gonna be fun!
And then LEAVE...don't be rude, but don't give her teh whole line...walk out and leave her curious for more..mabye even dont' mention what you will be diong...just mention he had some ideas for some work he wanted yuou to do...
YOu get hte idea..you BAIT her and wait for HER to bite...she was biting that day when she asked about what you were doing. I think you realise now that "none of your business" wasn't the right answer. YOu want to let her leave interaction wtih you feeeling BETTER and even CURIUOS or INTERESTED in you.
Dont' forget you are her child's father, she is giong to be drawn to you if you are a mature guy and parent...she has way too much pressure on her right now NOT to consider a reconcilliation.
BE intersting, learn to play piano, whatever, do stuff that you thinks he would like. I selected youth programs at your church because she had indicated she was religious and you have a young child - it seemed a good fit. You are the best judge of what to get into there.
Just leave her alone to do her thing while you get more interesting an mature by the second...add community pressure and a child you have togehtter a nd a black listed OM and she's really gonig to wrestle with the idea of this affair...that's a lot of weight on her.
Make sure if she shows interest in coming back that you do NOT discourage her and you do NOT pressure her...just act CASUAL but warm to the idea :
WIFE: I have had some thoughts on the divorce. I am not 100% sure I am doing the right thing.
HUSBAND : Well, you can always speak with our pastor about it, he's always willing to talk to either of us if we need someone to listen. He's a great counsellor I think. If you want, just make an appointment with him. I would reccomend him for sure.
WIFE : OK, you think he might be able to help us.
HUSBAND : He's been an inspiration to me, I was miserable until I spoke with him, now I am qutie happy. He's a life saver. If you need his number just let me know. I gotta run. I will be dropping by the Pastor's tomorrow, I can get you a card if you want. I gotta run..later
Something like that, you just are warm, loving, but NOT SMOTHERING...i dont' scare her away here, i show her I want her to call, but i dont' fall at her feet thanking her either...just be cool...women dont' like men who blubber at their feet.
Just be cool and friendly...helupful, INSPIRING..that's what dbing does..it inspires your partner to reconcile...just do everything you can to be the PERSON that SHE wants to BE AROUND...the rest is easy
thank you. we are talking and getting along after the letter. she asked how my appointment was in a text message, and i responded that I would like to talk about that in person when she has time, IF she wants to.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
I am trying to think of why she would be curious in a bad way...I can only imagine that as a positive.
That's a pretty good response too. But don't add the "if you want to"..its too open ended...maybe try "we can talk about it later, no worries" Yours was good on its own though...just a bit on the clingy side with the "if you want to" It sounds like you are trying to get her to say "yes"
Yes in almost any more is going to be hard to get out of her right now.
But well done...I think you are starting to get the idea..just bait her with a mature man who is doing interesting an exciting things that remain yet a mystery.
You likley dind't read about a 180 yet. What Michele advocates doing or at least trying, is doing the opposite of what you would normally do. If you would normally watch the hockey game when its one, go out for a walk in the garden or something...do something very different to shock her.
The shock is to wake her up a bit, get her attention, and to visibly demonstate that you are NOT the guy who hurt and dissappointed her before. We have to show her as quickly and effectively as we can that you are a NEW reborn person.
If you can think of some examples of habits or routines you had that were immature that you can switch to 180 degrees of what it was, build on that...toss them up here first if you want input.
Instead of watching TV, go for a jog Instead of lisening/watching a Hockey game, go for a nature walk Instead of staying home and laying about all day, go out to a play. Instead of drinking beer, start drinking juice. If you wear T-shirts and jeans, wear kakhis and a polo shirt.
The are superficial, but they will all contribute to catch her EYE and get her to take notice of what you are DOING with your life...going to church, coaching basketball, educating yourself on how to build quality marriages etc.
Are there any classes you can take or start to go to for couples or marriage skills building?
I think this would help you out a lot AND you could accidentally leave some notes or a book out for her to accidentally see.
If you Do leave something out for her to see by accident, don't hide it, but don't make a big deal if she shows curiosity...just act like its nothing out of the ordinary.
"Just a class I am takin, no big deal..its pretty cool actually...i am enjoying it."
Then change the subject :
"Did you want a drink or anything? I have some juice in the fridge" etc
Good luck Buster. I was prepared to let the whole thing go fora year or two... however long I could drag it out!!!. You have time!
Mark has very good advice. He's a sweetie, but that letter... hummm.... I never found those too effective. Just my personal experience. Definitely be VERY careful about anything you admit in writing.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
well today went off without a hitch, she came to pick our son up, asked how I was, how my finger was (hurt it at work), and how the appointment went. I told her what we talked about a tiny bit, and then she asked if pastor asked about her and I. I said he did and left it at that. when she leaves i usually give her a hug; she was extremely cordial the whole visit and actually put both arms out to hug me. So i decided to stop texting her and wait for her to get ahold of me; sure enough i got some a lot of texts about random stuff (no R talk) and a "goodnight" just now.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
done writing letters. she did ask tonight if i took the letter. I said our son got to it and ripped it (he likes to grab papers and crumble them) I thought it was a good cover; she bought it
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
explained to pastor what was going on with wife and OM/affair and he said "watching her grow up, there is nothing you've told me today that surprises me" I was completely FLOORED. I am thinking it is very innapropriate to tell her he said this ? its between him and I right ? should her parents know >? I still can't believe he said it
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
I committed myself to going to the gym with my best friend 2 days a week. "Go 2 or don't go at all" is our new motto. how should I bring this up to her, or should i *accidentally* leave a brochure from the gym out in the open ?
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
