Kevin, one day at a time. that is how you can get past the heartbreak. yes she made lousy choices during P/A but Kevin she had another choice and she made that one also You & your marriage. Give each of you the chance you deserve. I do realise that I played apart in my H's affair also. Read.Read & read some more. Be patient. Be her friend. That what I did with my H. I became his friend again. Kevin the memory of the affair still hurts. But I'm not going to let something that lasted a few months destroy the chance at happiness I have with my H in a renewed marriage. Hang in there KIP
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
Well life with the W. is getting better. I can really see that she is trying to save our M. She is trying harder than she ever has before. We are starting a business together. Actually several. She wants to stay home and become more family oriented. Istead of focussing on the workplace. I can see hr actions everyday as bringing us closer together. She opened up her email and messengers to me to check whnever I want to. She isnt not chatting anymore. She is even admitting that chatting is as addictive as drugs.. I still need time but seeing her trying is making it easier.
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
After my H came home and I found out that he had a PA, there are three things that helped me get through the pain:
(1) TIME - Alot of it is just going to be patience because the pain does fade. I know people keep telling you this, you probably tell yourself this too... but it just doesn't feel like it will ever go away. Know that it will go away, believe that it will and pretend you are waiting for that day like you would wait for the day you leave for a big vacation.
(2) COMMITMENT - You committed yourself to DB'ing for 6 months! You committed yourself to the R and to your love for your W. You probably even know that the PA was a possibility... it's natural to have doubts when you learn of these things and are feeling so much pain but focus on that committment you made.
(3) TECHNIQUES - Definitely re-read the Infidelity sections in the DB book. One of the things Michelle suggests is visualizing a big red stop sign or anything else you can do to make those PA thoughts stop! I understand how hard it is at first, you want to wallow in the pain - it's almost comforting to continue hurting instead of trying to fix it. You want to let the thoughts continue and build up for some sadistic reason.... but it gets easier. That stop sign comes and the thoughts become easier to push away.
I still have to use this technique sometimes but much more infrequently than in the beginning of all of this... and it's much easier to do it now, I almost do it without consciously thinking that I'm doing it.
One thing my H said to me that has been one of the most powerful statements is that one reason he chose to come home is that a R with me will be better than a R with anyone else he could ever have at this point because of everything I have learned through DB'ing and he knows that I'm 200% committed.
Your W is trying hard now, you've admitted it yourself... and with everything that the both of you have learned, your R will be stronger and better than anything you could have with another person at this point.
