Hi, just popping in quickly on my way out again. I really am addicted.
I'm a bit sick. I was hanging with a close girlfriend this morning, who is having H trouble. She started talking about how he treats her, how he talks to her, how harsh he is with their little tiny kids, ages 3 & 5. How he expects to be obeyed in his own home. How he tells her what a good life she has, how he wishes he could stay home & play with the kids all day. Ugh !
My stomach flipped over. I started getting a headache, & feeling lightheaded. I needed more air. I told her I could help her, if she wanted.
She's not ready to be helped. It hasn't been long enough for her. They've only been married 7 years. It started reminding me of the way my H used to be. It took me back mentally, & emotionally into those old feelings. I feel like I'm going to throw up.
He comes home tonight. I remember for the last 12 years when he was coming back into town, I'd get sick. I'd get anxious. I'd wish he would be gone longer. I was so much more comfortable with him out of the house. I was safe emotionally when he was gone. I wished so many times that he'd never come home. I thought he knew what I needed, & was refusing to be there for me. I felt so controlled. I felt trapped.
It's different now, but it's almost like my body is remembering the old feelings. Re-conditioning learned helplessness. I know all the terms for it. I should become a psychologist. I've gone through enough CBT to run my own support group. Why doesn't my body know that ?
How long does it take for my brain to catch up ?
just rambling, just letting my thoughts pour out, no filter, no censor, just me.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
