Well, you have to understand this is just my take on cycling.

I truly believe that, often despite what they are SAYING, our spouses still have love for us inside of them. There is still a part of them that KNOWS that we are not their problem, the marriage is not their problem, etc.

Somewhere along the line they have begun to feel this emptiness inside. Perhaps something caused them to look at their life introspectively, I'm not sure. But in looking inside, they found things they didn't want or expect to find. Life had not turned out exactly how they pictured it. Might have nothing to do with possessions, then again it may. Often I think it has to do with OUR relationship not having turned out like they dreamed. Maybe we don't communicate well, maybe there is emotional distance for some reason, there could be lots of things.

In some spouses this triggers a series of disconnects inside. I think they are trying to eliminate things that could be the source of their unrest. At some point in the process, we and the marriage become the next suspect. At that point, there is an overwhelming need to be free from the relationship and the responsibilities there.

I see it as a war being waged inside the spouse. Their unhappiness is so real and so acute that all they know is that something has to change. That they have to find relief. And when the marriage or family life in general becomes the culprit, they have to be free from that. That's when WE become aware of the mess going on inside of them.

Some take off and run, they literally have to get away. In many ways this is easier for both spouses. The walkaway gets their space, and the left behind is not dealing with the drama everyday. The downside seems to be that losing that last connection with the family/marriage seems to open the door for a lot of behaviors that can put the final nail in the coffin of the relationship. I won't say more there.

For those that stay at home, I believe there is an intense struggle inside of them. They are constantly face to face with what they believe is the source of their sadness. And yet there is still that part of them inside that loves their family and doesn't really think that the family is the problem.

This leads to what I think of as cycling.

When things are good, when there are few pressures and everyone is generally happy, the troubled spouse can handle things better. They seem to function well, maybe even flash back to the person we recognize as spouse/mother.

When things are tense, or maybe they are just having a bad day inside, we see the new person. We see the person who just wants to be left alone, to be released from this life that is oppressing them.

This cycling is what I think of as the rollercoaster ride that we can either choose to take or not. Detaching is all about realizing what is taking place behind the scenes in our spouse, recognizing that it's not really all about us, and allowing those bad times to pass by in as peaceful a way as possible.

I got to a point with my ex where I simply refused to be around her or talk to her if I could sense that she was having a BAD day. Not that I didn't want to comfort her, but I learned that when she was in the bad place, nothing would help and nothing would turn out well.

We learn to embrace those moments of clarity, enjoy the presence of the spouse we recognize. And we learn to stay away from the dark person they sometimes become. We don't want to appear to abandon them, but we do make effort to find other things to do on those days.

Hope that helps.

And remember, this is just MY take.


Blessings,

Bill

"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."