DQ,

Many thanks for the reply. Very interesting thoughts as ever!

Regarding my own situation, I am going to start a thread very shortly. Until now I have been more concerned with pushing others in the right direction – or at least trying to!

But I am now at a stage in my life (I can honestly say a new and exciting one) where I think input from the women on this board will definitely help.

What the hell. I’ll give you some details right now. Compared to other posters, I’m probably going to be pretty sparse. As far as I am aware my wife does not know I post here and at this stage I see no need or reason to tell her. But in future I may do, or she may find out. She is a very private person, particularly about these issues. Therefore out of love and respect for her I will keep the details minimal. On the other hand, if it had not been for the knowledge I have gained on this board, we would in all probability be divorced by now, whereas instead our marriage really is pretty good. Not perfect mind, but better than it’s been for years. So there is a balance to strike here, and I feel justified in telling a little about my situation, in order to carry on the good work.

Me – early 30s. My wife – very intelligent and beautiful, early 40s. Together over 10 years. Married over 9 years. First child born 6 years ago. I worked (long hours), my wife stayed at home. First 6 months after birth not so bad (I thought). After that, very difficult – me struggling with very demanding and stressful work, my wife struggling at home, little quality time or connection. Pretty much no ML during the first year.
Just into the second year, my wife tells me she can’t cope with such long hours by me. She is clearly at her wit’s end. I immediately get help about workaholism. I still do the same work, but cut back hours a lot, and spend much more time at home. If anything I overcompensate (nice guy) as I am now definitely missing ML. I raise the ML issue around the 18 month mark. There are some improvements but they don’t last. We are also doing a lot of work to our house.

Another bumpy year passes, during which I no doubt make every SSM and nice guy mistake in the books. My frustration is growing. That turns to anger, which in turn turns to mild depression.

During the third year after birth, there are more ups and downs, lots of rows, tears, dark nights of the soul, my work suffers, and financial problems start looming like storm clouds. I manage to hold myself together for the outside world – just. But I have fallen into victim mode whereby everything would be better if only we ML often (but I already knew deep down there was much more to our problems). Then halfway through the third year kind of a breakthrough – I chance upon a copy of one of john gray’s mars and venus books. It gets me thinking. I make some changes. I also find SSM and this BB. But there is no lasting response from my wife, and I feel full of resentment and anger.

Around the beginning of the fourth year I’m very much depressed and the whole world seems grey. I at least recognise the (logical) absurdity of this, but can’t seem to shake it off. Everything – absolutely everything – seems pointless without sex (I know). Its becoming clear to me that my depression and this SSM cannot go on. More rows and tears. Urgings and ultimatums. At this point my wife seems to at last “get it” to a point, and agrees that ML has to be a part of our marriage. But by now this doesn’t seem nearly enough. I am also feeling very “entitled”, especially having been the breadwinner for all these sex starved years. I am thinking about sex far more than is healthy and even thinking of doing it with other women. I have by now convinced myself that sex is the cure for all my problems, whereas the reality is that it has become an excuse for letting myself go far more than I ever should have. That includes my work – there are serious financial problems, which halfway through the fourth year threaten to overwhelm us.

How this story would have ended I really don’t know. Maybe my instinct for self-preservation would have taken over. I knew on some level I could not simply crumple up and let life swallow me whole. What I do know is that at that time I was in dire need of guidance and a different perspective. My good fortune was to at last buy a copy of the way of the superior man, which had been referred to quite a bit on this BB. His ideas rang a lot of bells and more importantly gave me the new perspective (and kick up the backside!) I sorely needed. I very seriously resolved to do my level best to be the superior man and to never give up trying. I started doing all the things I now advise other men to do. Improvements started to take place really very quickly I think. There have definitely been ups and downs along the way since – shaky days, patches of depression and moodiness – but the overall direction has still been up. I have truly learned the importance of the mind and the will in shaping thoughts, actions, life and relationships. It has been the most rewarding period of my life.

My career dramatically improved, our financial problems lessened (everyone has financial problems of some kind!), our marriage and interactions got a lot better. To give my wife very great credit, she was still with me despite the very difficult times we had gone through. We were still ML at times and so I had at least something to work with. That aspect of our marriage improved as well.

The journey continued. Into the fifth year after birth I came across no more mr nice guy – and I started to learn even more – how a lot of the problems had started in the first place, and had then spun almost out of control. So that gave me a new dimension and strengthened the resolve I already had.

The journey still continues… Its now just over six years since the birth of my first child. And I was confident enough about myself and our marriage to have a second child with my wife – born earlier this year! \:\) Perhaps unsurprisingly, we have only ML twice in the last year. That’s cool. As I’ve said, the last two years have been a very important time for me, and I’ve never felt stronger or more alive than I do right now – hence the screenname!

The way I see it, with all I have learned, I now have an amazing opportunity of taking my wife and I forward (slowly and sensitively of course) into this next phase in our marriage, post-second child. I am looking forward to supporting her in her role as a mother, but also building a new kind of loving and sensual relationship with her. In other words trying to do what I pretty much failed through my ignorance to do the first time!

So your recent posts DQ (and Bagheera as well), have been very timely and inspiring for me. ;\) Please feel free to add your thoughts. I will probably post more later.

All the best,

S&A


"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.

Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.