My W and I are trying to save our M. We had dificulties, but I never thought that my W would go out of our m. She finally confessed to me about her infidelities yesterday. She confirmed my suspicions. But now i have so many emotions going through me that I just dont know what to do. I dont know if I even want her now. I have been dbing for 6 months now, And to sit and listen to her tel me how he was such a great guy and could give her the life that I cant, just kills me inside. I am to blame for all this because I looked at porn and broke her heart, but yet she stopped meeting my emotional needs by not being physical with me for a long time before I started the porn thing.
Can there ever be trst in our marriage again? Can I ever get past the fact that I feel like she is thinking about him all the time. I feel like she made the wrong decision to stay with me. She should have taken the rich man that could have provided her the perfect life. I never knew she was so materialistic like that. I cant get past the mental images of my w in another mans bed.
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
You have been DBing for a long time, and I have not followed all your other threads, but you can get past these things if you decide to put in the effort. Since I haven't read your threads, maybe you can provide a link or a brief synopsis here, but if you've been applying the DB principles for 6 months, is there a possibility that her admission of infidelity is a positive sign of progress? How long has her A been going on and how long have you suspected (or did you suspect)? Why do you think she told you about it rather than continuing to deny?
Many DBers are trying to recover from affairs as part of their efforts to repair their M. Some post on this forum, but you will also see some of them (the ones that are farther along) posting in the piecing section.
FYI, my W had 3 affairs over a 2 year period ending last fall. We have been recovering ever since. It hasn't been easy for either of us. All the turmoil you feel is normal, and unfortunately, the best I have to offer you is that time will help you heal.
You might want to read through this excellent thread on this forum, which also deals with many of the issues you are currently struggling with: eskb thread
I believe there can be trust again, but it will take a long time to get there, I imagine. It's been almost a year since the last physical contact between my W and her last OM, and I still don't trust her. There is more trust now than before, but it is not where it used to be, and I'm not sure I want it to go back to that stage. Before I knew about the As, the idea that my W would betray me was simply unthinkable. The problem with that type of thinking is that it denies the fact that we're all wired for affairs, the temptations will always be there, and it is naive to assume that faithfulness doesn't require hard work. Trust will require you to understand the reasons for the A. For me, it also depends somewhat on my belief that my W understands her vulnerabilities, her choices and her willingness to construct appropriate boundaries between herself and friends/co-workers of the opposite sex.
While you're working on trust and other issues stemming from the As, however, you'll have to continue your work on your WAW, if applicable.
You are not to blame for your W's choices. Although your W may have had her feelings hurt by your attraction to pornography, that didn't CAUSE her to cheat. Neither did your W's failure to meet your physical needs CAUSE you to look at porn. You both could have made other choices. Figuring out exactly who is to blame for what seems unproductive to me. Rather, accept whatever is your responsibility (your 50% of the M) and hope that, in time, your W will also accept hers. Learn to make new choices.
In the meantime, focusing on improving yourself is an excellent way to keep your mind from dwelling on the A. You are obviously feeling somewhat sorry for yourself (deservedly so), but try to keep in mind that your W will probably not see your moping as attractive.
Quote: I am to blame for all this because I looked at porn and broke her heart, but yet she stopped meeting my emotional needs by not being physical with me for a long time before I started the porn thing.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years. Up until last year (when we seperated for 6 months)he spent 3 to 5 days a week drinking in bars after work. He says he's too strong to be tempted and he was just going to relax...Anyway- he did meet someone and got to know her well enough to exchange phone numbers with her. One night he went to her house and didn't come home until 4am. He CLAIMS that nothing happened and that he realized he was in the wrong place so he left. Now- I think he's full of crap but on the off chance that I believe him(which I don't)...I still feel like he cheated on me even if they didn't have sex. If the thought was in his head and he was lusting after someone else..then he cheated in his heart. (Actually, that's also in the bible) To me, looking at porn is being unfaithful to your wife. Whether it's a physical or emotional affair- cheating is cheating...Last year I had an EA with someone and it got a little physical near the end before all hell broke loose...Now- my husband seems to think that what I did is FAR worse than what he did. After all- I had a EA that lasted several months and he only spent 7 years in the bars (while I was taking care of the kids)and he only went to someone's house once and of course nothing happened. So- he feels like he hasn't done anything so bad as to deserve what I've done to him! Anwayz..I'm rambling but the point is- maybe you need to look at the porn for what it is/was...which is an emotional affair that took you away from your wife. Just my two cents...
Sandra
Sandra
Never argue with idiots, they bring you down to their level and beat you with experience...
Yes, you can recover from this, but no it won't be easy. It may help you to read Chapter 10 in DR, and I personally found a book called After the Affair very helpful.
The porn is a complex issue. It can be as serious an issue as you can read about in a thread (this section) about sexual addiction.
At some point, you will need to find out what it was that was your contribution to allow room for another person to come between you and your wife.
Porn and intimacy problems seem to go hand in hand. This may have no bearing on your sitch, but if you were to listen to a spouse talk about sex with a mate that has major intimacy problems, you'd hear about what it is like to feel sad and lonley DURING and AFTER what should be making love. Add to that knowing that your man is putting his energy into sexual fantasy, while you are feeling starved for emotional connection and intimacy, porn can seem like just as much a threat and betrayal as an affair.
If you suspect that any of this could possibly apply, sit down and rally talk to your wife about it.
If this has no possible bearing, forgive my intrusion and disregard....
Hi, Kevin. Just want to let you know that what you are feeling is normal. Recovering from a spouse's infidelity takes takes time, but it can be done. My W had an affair in 2001. I heard all of stories about how much in love she was with him and that he was her soulmate. You have to dig pretty deep to get through that stuff, but it can be done. My W and I are back together over a year and things are great.
I must admit that I do think about what happened every day, but it finally stopped bothering me.
"After the affair" is a real good read and gives a lot of good insight into why your W did what she did and how she feels inside. Keep up the DBing.
Well life with the W. is getting better. I can really see that she is trying to save our M. She is trying harder than she ever has before. We are starting a business together. Actually several. She wants to stay home and become more family oriented. Istead of focussing on the workplace. I can see hr actions everyday as bringing us closer together. She opened up her email and messengers to me to check whnever I want to. She isnt not chatting anymore. She is even admitting that chatting is as addictive as drugs.. I still need time but seeing her trying is making it easier
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
I have the same question... One month ago I've found out about my husbands EA. My instincts told me something was wrong from the very first month (last year July).
When I confronted my husband he denied everything and reacted very angry. We have not talked about it (yet). I didn't cry...mostly I am still shocked, angry and disgusted...
We agreed never to have secret affairs, we do go to swing clubs and I thought that would be a nice extension of our sexlife. I am European and very open minded, I love to watch porn, I love to (s)experiment, I love sex, so I would never have imagined my husband to cheat on me...
At first I thought it was my fault, but it's not! I can't deal with all the lies he told me.. I have flashbacks of moments when he preferred to be with her, he even went on nice trips with her, bought her nice presents, wrote to her "I love you for ever".
He also wrote (chatting to a male friend) very nasty about me and her, so I forwarded it to her, so she never wants to see him again...
I just wonder WHY??? Will it happen again? What does our relationship mean to him? Does he respect me?
Pfffffffff... I need time and we need to talk about it, but he wants to burry it and continue just like that...
Well things are really good at home. As long as I dont dwell on the past. As long as I can keep reminding myself that the alien is gone. The woman I fell in love with is back. The woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with is here to stay. She has had the same awakening that I did last october. Its really amazing what can happen when you let the walls around your heart down. The love for your spouse can come out then.
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
Well its going good. Its a daily struggle. But it seems to be getting better. She hasnt been tempted to talk to anybody else at all. She finally woke up and realized what she was about to lose, and what she had was more important than the dreams of what could be.
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
