Alien invasion 3.0

[hoosiermama]

Ok, here's a shot at goals--I'm still a little murky about it:

For R--
1. H will use common courtesies with me--hello, goodbye, please, thank you, how are you
2. H will offer to hug me goodbye
3. H will suggest or agree to a family activity--swimming, movie, trip to living history museum together
4. H will admit to R with OW
5. H will demonstrate an understanding that his actions have been very painful to me
6. H will be open to seeing our M as salvageable and worth working on
(okay, #4, #5 and #6 are longer-term goals!)

For me--
1. I will get 8 hours of sleep each night
2. I will choose healthy foods and lose ~2 lbs/week
3. I will find a new job with flexible hours
4. I will hang pictures, arrange furniture and clean so that my home is comfortable and reflects D and I
5. I will do one creative thing every week

So--am I on the right track? I could go a few different ways with this, so I just took a stab at one of them.

[pisces9]

i like your goals for YOU- but make them more specific for you and add some FUN things into that! not all work- and for your H- are these small, doable and action oriented? how will he SHOW you these things such as #6?

[hoosiermama]

Numbers 4, 5, and 6 are long, long term goals. I think the first 3 fall into small and doable but not sure how action-oriented (on my part) they are.

The creative thing under my goals is supposed to be the fun one!

[inmyplace]

mama,

I agree with pisces9 and the reasons stated, your "for me" goals are excellent.

Now to the R goals. How will you facilitate those goals?

IMP

[hoosiermama]

Well, the only way I know to facilitate them is to offer a safe place without pressure, and to model the behaviors I want to elicit. For example, he was over for dinner last evening after more pool work (yes, it really is taking this long! Yuck, what a mess!) I made a nice dinner, fresh corn, fresh tomatoes, fresh salad, etc. and he grabbed a plate and ate it before I had D's and mine plated, because he was in a hurry to leave by 7 pm. Refused the corn (ok, more for me!) and bread--sometimes I swear he's afraid I've drugged the food--and never once said anything was tasty or thanked me. But I continue to say please, thank you, hello, goodbye--and express a lot of appreciation for working on the pool. Now it's almost a game to me to try to get him to say thanks or goodbye--sometimes I'm successful, usually not. But I am not nagging about it, just making sure that I say it a lot. Just as an experiment last night, I made him kiss my cheek as he was leaving--and I got an exasperated face, but he did it. As for a family activity, I'm still a little stumped about that one. Not even sure I should be working on it at the moment, since when we went to fireworks together at D's request, he was such a poop about it and was as loudly silent as anyone could be.

As for the last 3--or at least the last 2--they're several giant steps away, and I'm still doing mother-may-I baby steps. The admitting to the affair--I think that MC may take care of that. In our last session, C asked for facts but H denied it--which was enraging to me. Anyway, she mentioned that there are certain facts she needed the truth about, so perhaps I can facilitate the topic coming up again. I think it's important to the integrity of MC (even tho, at this point, it's all about helping D12, not reconciling) to have that issue on the table. Or at least not to lie about it. I really don't want details; I would like to have some idea about the status for my own ability to prepare. H hates the word "affair," has consistently denied that there's "someone else" even tho I have email conversations that prove otherwise--and I think that saying the words, especially in a counseling situation, would force him out of the denial of what he's doing. He's told 1 or 2 friends that he has "reconnected" with an old friend--is that some new euphemism for intercourse or what?! Even if it's still an EA--and I doubt it at this point--it's still a factor in this whole situation.

[hoosiermama]

BTW--not sure how I ended up posting in this forum; intended to continue in MLC but must have overlooked something!

[hoosiermama]

~^~

[Puppy Dog Tails]

H hates the word "affair," has consistently denied that there's "someone else" even tho I have email conversations that prove otherwise--and I think that saying the words, especially in a counseling situation, would force him out of the denial of what he's doing. He's told 1 or 2 friends that he has "reconnected" with an old friend--is that some new euphemism for intercourse or what?! Even if it's still an EA--and I doubt it at this point--it's still a factor in this whole situation.

Hoosier,

My wife HATED the "a-word." I don't think she ever did end up using it, although I was FINALLY able -- after 60 days -- to get her to admit the truth to her parents and our adult daughters about the nature of her relationship with OM. Me, I used the word "affair" liberally throughout, and never relented. Ever.

Call a spade a spade.

Puppy

[hoosiermama]

Thanks, puppy. I think there's some wisdom in this!

There's a thread with a very interesting and informative link to a Psychology Today article on infidelity--the thread is "why the OP is a train wreck." I'll try linking to it below--I think that you especially, Puppy, would find it enlightening!
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=19930501-000027&page=2

[hoosiermama]

PS--thanks, Breton, for the link.