Yesterday he was going out to play baseball (subbing for someone) and I told him that I was glad that he was going to get out and have some fun and destress. H said thank you and we kissed goodbye. That was good, but again he was quite distant when he got home, came to bed after I was asleep.
This morning I hugged him and told him I missed him, and of course started to cry. I can't talk about this at all without crying and I know it's an issue for him - irritates him when I cry. Anyway, I managed to stop the tears and told him that it was okay that he was confused, but that he seemed so stuck and commented that none of the options for getting unstuck seemed to appeal to him. He said it wasn't a great place to be - stuck - but didn't want to talk any further, so I changed the subject and then came into the office. When it was time for him to leave, he stayed farther away than usual, just in case I leapt on him, I guess.
This is not productive at all, apparently.
I don't really have anyone to call. In the last few years, as stress and depression have been taking over my life, I've pulled deeper and deeper into myself. My book club gets together once a month and we've been doing that for about 10 years, but I don't talk about myself much. Last year, I invited a couple of women out for appies and drinks around Christmas time, but I felt it was kind of awkward - anyway, we haven't done it again.
The one person who I would really call a friend and who knows most of what is going here doesn't live in the same city. I could and should make more of an effort to call her, but because I don't want to talk about what's going on - because I'll just cry the whole time and because I'm pretty sure she doesn't quite get why I'm trying to stay married to a man who has done the things my H has done and because her husband is wonderful and sensitive and would never do this to her in a million years - our infrequent conversations since last fall have felt felt 'false' to me. My friend and her family were here last weekend for a day, passing through on their way somewhere else, and I think it's part of what pushed my H away again, having someone else around who knows what he has done kind of shoved it in his face. I knew he was pulling away before that, though.
I am writing an exam at the end of July to become a Lactation Consultant, something I've been wanting to do for years and I'm really excited about it.
I tried out kayaks this past weekend and signed up for lessons at some point - I think I'll call them again and see where that's at. I love being on the water and while it's not practical to have my own, they also offer group trips occasionally, so I'll try to get in on those. It's good for me to get out amongst small groups of strangers and interact with them. I have this picture of myself as always on the outside, with people feeling relieved when I go away - probably due to the amount of moving we did when I was growing up, plus some other stuff - and spending time with people who don't know me allows me to try to change that picture of myself.
This is why my H wants to leave - he wants to just shed everything and be a different person with people who don't know him. His 'clean break' idea is a fantasy though, as we have kids that will still need a dad.
I love to spend time in the garden and my morning walks continue to be a sanity saver. Plus I'm looking not bad for an old broad.
