Well, I have a story, that I'm still awaiting solid proof on, from my H. In theory, the second version of the story he told me is true. The first one was almost all denial + inapplicable facts.
So, in keeping to his desperate behavior since he left, he got a hotel room for one night to go see an old girlfriend in a nearby city to his hometown, out of shame (she asked him to, she didn't want her roommates to know she was with a married man). Apparently, again, like the LDEA, she is desperate enough to have been willing to in the first place. But suposidley, she couldn't go through with it, they kissed and then she stopped it, although he stayed on her couch with at her and her roommates apartment for a week, nothing else happened, and then took her to the airport because she was leaving on a trip to another city. Why did he stay with her for a week? He says boredom, wanted to go out in the city. The first line of this paragraph says what I think.
There are holes in this story, but I have not heard back from the LDEA's boyfriend yet, and he has offered to provide e-mail proof of these events. So, for now, I believe them.
I asked him, how could his standards have become so low? He says low self-esteem. I think he wants to have these pseudo-relationships that mean nothing and that don't end up in real sex, which directly relates to his/our issues. He wants to be wanted, especially by someone who doesn't know about his problems, and desperate women are REALLY good for that. Although, I am impressed that the OG couldn't go through with it, IF that's true. He also feels like, since no sex occurred, that he doesn't have to feel that much guilt. Denial.
It turns out that going dark had mixed results. He told me that he wondered all the time about me, why I wasn't calling him, but at the same time "didn't feel like he was married." That could have been the vacation talking, too. It's hard to live in reality when you're on one.
So, the big news is that I told him to proceed with looking into a legal S or a D. I think it's the best possible direction we could go in. But I am still standing for my marriage, despite recent events. He's obviously a very troubled man, but I love him. I think letting him move forward will clear the way for him to feel like he can relax and be my friend. And at the very least, we owe each other friendship & support after all we've been through. I think we both need to heal towards each other.
My marriage is dead, and good riddance. H and I spent a lot of time talking about how much pain our relationship (then and now) has caused us. The only hope is that maybe H and I can create a new relationship now, first based on real friendship.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
I agree you are not Lost, you are strong. I will post more tonight, I should not really be on here at work I just wanted to check in to see how you are doing.
I know it hurts but I think accepting that the only way to ever have him is to start a new R from the beginning after he is ready is best. it allows you to morn for the lost of this love and not hope for a quick resolution or that everything will just go back to how it was, but still to remain optimistic for your future. no matter what the future is bright for such a strong woman as your self.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
Thanks for everything you said Pisces. You know, I chose my handle based on a song that I've been listening to since my H left. It first meant that I was lost, in the negative sense, but I kept it because I feel now like it's more like I'm losing the person that I was, and finding a better me. Maybe when I feel like I've really transformed, I'll change my handle to something else but I have a lot of work to go through before that happens.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
The most helpful advice I’ve gotten so far is to accept that this R is over. That’s harsh but it is, and you don’t want it back. Your M is not over and you want the chance to build a new R, but it won’t be the same one and that is a good thing.
that helped me see it that way. I'm so grateful to you.
Letting go of my M means being able to let go of all the hurt and pain that has occurred, and start over again. I NEED that, because I've been drowning in pain. And I know that all of the ridiculous things my H has done has been because he has been drowning in pain, too. We both can't go on like this any longer, so our M has to die, and a new R has to be reborn (hopefully).
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
Two things, You are letting go of you R and L but not you’re M. That is for better or worse for ever and this is the worst, in fact its in a coma but not dead. Just let it lie dormant while you wait to rebuild a new R and L.
Secondly it was you who made me believe the pain my W is feeling as well. All of her little EAs and friends are her way of trying not to feel this pain. I am sure that you H is the same way. This does not accuse their behavior, however it allows us to understand that to a degree, accept, forgive and move on.
I am sorry that he has hurt you, but I think you know as i now do too, that you are collateral damage to his own pain. Our job is to not get lost in that. Our hurt is a side effect and not the main pain, that does not minimize what we feel, but we cannot solve all of this. Only they can heal themselves, because without that they will never have anything to give us.
Try to keep your chin up. You are battling the hardest thing that you face in your life, and although no one can tell you the out come, I will say you are putting up one hell of a fight, and you will look back proudly at the effort you have put in.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
