Bring on the Rain - Part 3

[SueS]

Good morning-

Well, H and I had agreed to talk last night about things. He'd sent the nasty email on Monday and I hadn't responded. I acted as if I'd never even received it. Well, actually, I told a little white lie. I wasn't sure as how to respond, so I told him that it hadn't come through until yesterday due to problems with my email (it came through Monday). Just as I was giving my response one last look, another email came through from him. This one very short and to the point. He just asked me what I was expecting/anticipating that he would pay toward D4's expenses & what I expected him to take of our belongings. I asked if we could talk last night. As mentioned above, we both agreed we'd do that. I did let him know in my response that D4 has had questions that need to be answered.....Are we moving?....Mommy, are we going to live there? (as we pass by our new apt. complex)....Mommy, are you always going to be here to take care of me? (made me cry).

H got home last night and announced that he was taking D4 and I to dinner. Nothing fancy....just a burger & some ice cream. We actually had a good time. We sat outside and could see ourselves in the building's window. D4 announces....Mommy, Daddy, you guys are seperated! We both looked at each other wondering if the other had told her anything. Then she said....look, in the window, you are seperated by me. She was sitting in the middle of us. On the way home, H took a different route, which took us directly past the apt. complex that D4 and I will be living at.

We got home and H started watching the All Star game. D4 wanted to play a game & got a little whiney about it. H did okay, but still is a little short fused with her. H fell asleep on the couch. I took D4 into the bedroom and was getting her to sleep when I heard H get up. I went out into the den and asked if he'd be up for a while so we could talk. He said he thought he'd be up, but asked if we could talk tonight when he gets home. So, I did let him know that it needs to be done and that I hadn't forgotten about it, but hopefully it's done tonight.

A short time after, I heard H come into the bedroom and grab his workout clothes. I woke up at 2:00 am and he was not home. I had a difficult time getting back to sleep and almost went to sit on the deck just to see what time he'd get home. I did get back up at 4:00 and he was asleep in the den. My first thought was how angry I was that he fully blamed me for our situation, as if I have a choice in turning things around....yet he's not home at 2:00 am. Let it go Sue, let it go.........

I sent emails to some of you yesterday and I really appreciate the responses more than you know. I did ask one of you a few other questions though and I'll put the questions out here too. I know this isn't all my fault, but does the feeling of guilt ever end? My feeling of guilt is more toward D4. I sat yesterday morning watching her sleep and all I could do was cry and say I am sorry. I've felt like crying a lot the past few days. I haven't felt like that in a while. Maybe because I'm coming so close to actually letting go. I told another wise person (Rob) that it's hard sometimes because I know there's a good man in my H.....I have actually seen him before. I know it's been a while, but I can still remember him crying when D4 was born. He had to be away for a week when she was just 2 weeks old. I remember him running to the house from his car and snatching her from Grandma's arms because he missed her. I have a picture of her all snuggled up on his chest. Those are just a few of the many examples that come to mind. But, I also know that it's not my job to find out where that man has gone. He needs to come back on his own. Just makes me sad.

Well, have a great day everyone.

SueS