I am not doing this to get a reaction out of W but I sure can't wait to see what she says. It's amazing, 15 years ago I could of got as many tats as I wanted as a friend was an artist but I never did...feared my dad's reaction....and here I am making my own decision for me. I love it! I just hope it turns out good. Chris
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
Neil, it sure is. I was a little nervous at first but there really was no pain and it looks dang good.
By far the first thing I have done in the past 4 weeks because I wanted to do it and didn't care what others would think. Kind of liberating.
Well, I am out to eat now as I feel banned from the house while it's my Ws night with the kids. The question for me now is what time do I go home. Too early and I am either responsible or a lifeless sap. Too late and mystery turns into some other emotion.
I am curios what she has to say about her meeting with her L today.
Chris
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
I just realized that I graduated from Jr member to member. Woo hoo!
Well nothing really happened when I got back home tonight. Some pleasane small chat with the W about the kids and she's beginning to notice some of the behavioral issues with the that I have been dealing with. Hopefully we'll be able to work together on some of this. She was appreciative to hear me say that I understand and agree with her concens and would help. She also noticed that I picked up several things from the store that we and the kids needed. I got a nice thank you there to.
So, it looks as if I will end this Tuesday with no R talk. That is cause for celebration. 3 out of 5 Tuesdays now. Not bad.
Of course I did not answer any of her calls today and I did not ask what they were about. My guess is L stuff since she was meeting with the L today. Must not have been important as she left no message.
Overall a good day. A pleasant start, good day at work, I got another tattoo and ate out and chatted with friends, and it ends with a pleasant chat with the w.
Chris
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
<<"please snap out of inventorying my mistakes and lets start working on healing".
Just keep apologizing, & add it to the list of "things I will never do as long as I live". j/k, sort of. I reminded H of his mistakes constantly. I'm sure he got so sick of it, but, it helped me vent my anger. That's a good thing. If I hadn't vented it, it would have controlled me & maybe I wouldn't be living here still.
I wonder how my H survived without all you guys to talk to, & just C once a week, & me being the ultimate unforgiving angry cold doormat turned b*tch ?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Chris, CONGRATS on a good Tuesday, & moving up to member status. maybe the key is, don't answer the phone.
You joined after I had gone on a weekend getaway with my mom. I posted that I wasn't going to answer my phone because every time I did, I got upset with how H. That was May 18th.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
"She has only one thing on her mind primarily, and that is her happiness.....nobody else.....even her kids. It hurts to see them that way and I think men mentally chose to turn a blind eye to it b/c it does hurt them so much to see their W's act that coldly toward their own children that once they were so dedicated to. "
Sandi, could you explain that in more detail please? I'd like insight, because my W is doing some of the same things, but not all. The big thing is the happiness....and worrying about her own. and not seeing how its affecting our kids. How can a LBH address that without getting angry and driving her further away? Can we even do that?
Neil, if you will look at what I posted to What-Did-I-Do, I hope that may answer in more detail what I was referring to in that statement. WAW's are in a state of limbo and especially when OM is involved. Most of the WAW's have been good mothers and W's and feel as though they have poured their all into the lives of their children and the MR. But, for some, the fullfilment they needed was never truly there, however, they tried to make the most of it anyway. For others, perhaps something specific happened that changed the R. But, at the risk of sounding "dramatic" here, it is like a cancer that may start out like a small thing that is not noticed very much........you know you aren't very happy (something is not just right), but you try to ignore it (maybe it will go away), but it grows and grows until it can no longer be ignored.
Usually, boredome and lonliness sets in (especially if there are no children in the home or if the couple does not have an intimate relationship or if everything become "routine"). So, there is a "void" felt by the wife. The average W will start to find something to fill that void in her life. A lot of young mothers can get involved in all their children's activities, or hobbies, etc. But, at some point and time, that all seems to simply lose its luster. The "fight" or "spunk" or "engergy", kind of starts to leave the W and mother and she starts to feel restless and unhappy or empty.
I'm sure others could express it much better than me. But, I have compared a woman to a rose in where if it is given sunshine and water....it will bloom and grow and become beautiful, however, if it is ignored and starved from what it needs, it will wilt, and eventually die. That is how the "spirit" of a woman feels when she is not getting her emotional nees met over a long period of time. "Something" eventually will die! Either the marriage relationship, the happiness, her involvement with her children, or other activities and hobbies.......but most of all, her "spirit" (for a lack of a better term). This emotional and mental vulnerability places her in a dagerous state, b/c this is when the average female will start a frantic search for happiness and will either go looking for it in all the wrong places (like the bar scene, etc.) or else she will turn to another man (someone she works with, or meets on line, or whatever). She is so sick and tired of trying to be something that--she and everyone else expected her to be, that, in a sense, she rebells......much like a teenager.....to the lifestyle and all the people in her life (husband, children, parents, old friends, etc.). She will often make new friends or stick with the ones that will endorse her new found "feelings". The most important thing to her becomes her happiness and to have freedom!
I wanted out of my house and away from my H so badly......and he was a good guy, but he had failed to give me the emotional fullfilment that I needed from a H. I don't think he really knew how to do that. I went for over 40 years trying to tell him. I kept working at trying to have a better marriage......and finally, I wilted just like the rose. I felt old and dead inside for a long time. When the OM came along, I was vulnerable and he made me feel alive and I discovered that I was not "old" like I felt, but I still had sexual feelings and he made me feel beautiful, sexy, and most of all.....alive. He gave me the LL I needed.
The thing I want you men to know is that most of the ones that come here to the board are the ones that truly are "good guys" and are trying despartely to save their marriages and want to know where they went wrong and what to do to get their W's back. They are in shock at the things their W's are doing and saying. They see a total stranger that took the place of their wife. Although in many instances I believe it has a lot to do with the failure of the H to meet the W's needs, it usually is the breakdown on the part of both people. However, I do believe if a woman's "emotional" needs are met, that she can endure the lack of materialist things and stand the trials and hardships of life.......but it is the mental/emotional fullfilment that females have to have to feel alive and significant, or else they will just go through the motions without the real feelings.....and sometimes they even stop going through the motions! That is when they just want to leave.....period. Doesn't always mean OP is involved or anything, they just want out of the M and the life that they are presently in.
Most men think that making a good living for the family is their "part" of the marriage contract, so to speak. Don't misunderstand what I'm about to say, b/c I admire men that work hard for a living, regardless of what they do. But, many men are so stressed or worn out when they get home that they don't feel like being romantic or talking or whatever the wife's LL may be. Now, I'll have to say that a lot of the men in the younger generation are more informed about things and a lot of them are really involved in the family activities and "sharing the household chores" b/c their W's are in the work force, whereas some of the men of my generation had a harder time changing over to the "changes women were making" in our way of living. I hope that makes sense in what I am trying to say. Of couse, this does not apply to every single person.
As far as what the men can do to try to address this without getting angry and driving the wife farther away..............the only answer I have is to read the DB book and apply the principles. There are many other good books out there. Marriage Builders has good information, but I prefer this message board much, much more. But, Marriage Builders and most of the other books I've seen mentioned are for improving MR before the "bomb". That is what men don't get! Even the LL is a little too late if the bomb has exploded. I guess it would depend on what her LL was, but I needed my H to talk to me for 40 years and he didn't......do you think I wanted to hear anything he had to say when all I wanted to do was get away from him? Do you think I wanted any "gifts" from him? Do you think I wanted any "acts of service" from him......or whatever those other LL are? I did not want anything but for him to get out of my sight and leave me alone. So what I'm saying is to apply the DB principles!!! I believe they are the very best in using to stop a divorce. This book is designed to help marriages after the bomb has hit where most other books, that are usually mentioned, are to help strengthen a MR before the bomb hits. So, if you can just stick to what Michelle says in the book and give it time.....that is your best marriage solution. If it still does not work and you end up in divorce court, you will do so knowing that you gave it all you could. If you can find a marriage-solving counselor that offers solutions to help the marriage instead of telling you to get divorced and go find happiness.....then that helps also, but it is hard to find those type of counselors.
Okay, sorry, but this has been way, way toooooo long of a post. I just wanted to try to repond to Neil and maybe answer some others that are reading this. If I did not make myself plain, please let me know and I'll try to explain better. Don't judge or compare all WAW's by "me" because I was a lot older than most before I finally reached my point of almost walking away, however, I am hearing more and more about older couples splitting up after they hit my age group, so it can happen at any age.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
