Plodding towards my Path With Heart

[SuperDad]

OK,
I completely lost track of where ya'll were going with this, so I am just going to comment on FLTC's post!

What if the spouse "sees the light"?

I am done, so this worry is no longer there. More of a challenge is expaining to people that my STBXW lives in my guest room! I'll definitely be glad when we are just a "normal" divorced family...boy that sounds weird, doesn't it. It is what it is.

It was wonderful not to contantly be expecting the "ISD": Improvised Spouse Device to detonate when you least expect it. Any conversation with my W. is like the game "Whack-a-Mole" You just never know where the mole will appear next, and how big of a charge he'll be carrying.

LOL! Perfect description, I think we may have married the same woman!

Being without alcohol for a year was an epiphany to me. My thought processes had never been more clear. I got by on 5 hours of sleep a night, and felt great.

Funny, the same thing happened to me...I did not completely give up drinking, just cut way back and started exercising a lot more. All of a sudden, 6 hours of sleep felt like a lot. Of course, the occasional 15 min power nap after a long workout may have an influence as well.

Adios amigos, SD

[pat44]

Hey SD:

I misspoke in my post to you regarding dating while M. My standards are my own - and I don't believe in imposing my standards on other people. It was wrong of me to impose them on you. Each individual has the right to make their own choices based on their own personal experiences and individual sense of morality. All that seems to matters in an R is that both parties have similar views.

Based on my reading of the posts on the BB, the social norm today seems to be that it is okay to date while M if (i) your spouse cheated on you first; and (ii) you no longer want to reconcile with your spouse. Furthermore, social norms indicate that it is okay to date even if you are in love with your spouse or ex-spouse.

Good luck with the progress with respect to your D and have fun re-entering the dating world.

take care,
AG

[SuperDad]

Hi AG,

My standards are my own - and I don't believe in imposing my standards on other people. It was wrong of me to impose them on you.

How perfectly PC of you, but BS! If I did not care about your standards, I wouldn't post on your thread or respond to your comments on mine.

Also, who gives a rat's butt about "social norms". I know not me, and I'm pretty sure not you.

Anyway, my standard has always been that I would not date until W or I filed. I have decided to back off from "filed" to "paid retainer to L and instructed her to prepare the paperwork for filing".

I definitely knew that I did not want to use dating as a DB strategy and I definitely did not want to get another person involved in my M. Just too much possibility for someone to get really hurt for no good reason.

Anyhoo, I do agree that the MOST important thing is that the individuals invovled are being honest with each other (and with themselves).

As for you...get your rear end out into the dating world and wow them with your beauty and brains!

Good luck,
SD

[pat44]

Hey SD:

How perfectly PC of you, but BS!

Also, who gives a rat's butt about "social norms". I know not me, and I'm pretty sure not you.

No...I have never really given a "rat's butt" about social norms... Sometimes it seems like life would certainly be easier if I did...

Anyhoo, I do agree that the MOST important thing is that the individuals invovled are being honest with each other (and with themselves).

Very true - I think I am agreeing with you agreeing with me...

As for you...get your rear end out into the dating world and wow them with your beauty and brains!

Well.... I have a little more free time these days since I have managed to contain work... Now I've filled that void with new work out goals - so once I again I am too busy to date.

We'll see - if I meet someone that makes me laugh/smile BEFORE he asks me out - perhaps I will consider going out with him...

BTW: Did you already do the latest triathalon thing - or is that coming up?

take care,
AG

[SuperDad]

Hi AG!

Now I've filled that void with new work out goals - so once I again I am too busy to date.

You know the funny thing about meeting someone is that the less you are looking, the more likely you are to find someone. I have just been doing the things I love and feeling...fearless?...open?...mindful?...not sure what it is, but it must give off a different kind of vibe. I have had women approach me quite a few times over the past weeks and flirt with me. I am sure these things are related.

The beautiful thing about it is that since I am doing the things I love, these are automatically women who I have something in common with.

The point is, just be you, do the things you love, be open to experience everything around you, and you will find the right kinds of people for you. In any case, it is much more likely than hanging out in bars or the latest "in" restaurant in town!

Did you already do the latest triathalon thing - or is that coming up?

It is on Sunday. Should be a lot of fun since it is a "sprint" race, only about an hour, so you have a lot of energy afterwards to play! I'll surely post about it... if I do well!

Take care, SD

[FLTC]

SD,

You sound strong, brother! Good for you. whatitis has posted to me on the pitfalls of dating while still married. I get that totally, and one of my big things has always been fidelity. However, when you keep getting kicked like a dog before it hits the humane shelter, you get to the breaking point. All I ever wanted to do was save my marriage and be with my wife and kids. Period. It's now going on two years of separation, and a tour in Iraq, where before I wised up, I sent every penny to W. to "appaese" her. ENOUGH.

We were at Ft. Bragg, NC before we left for Iraq at the height of the surge. Iraq was bad, and I was headed there! I had a rare Saturday afternoon off after soul-restoring 700 pound leg presses, as I walked back to my quarters in the 98 degree North Carolina heat, I came around a corner where a metal coffin appeared in a quadrangle in a single soldier housing area of the 82nd Airborne Division. There were 8 paratroopers in the blistering heat preparing to bring home 9 Soldiers killed the day before. It was an epiphany for ME. I suddenly thought "Life is too fu&king short" I'm going to the worst place on earth, and I'm trying to do 180's to please an angry, un-pleasable woman. I started emailing this woman I worked with, who I always found attractive, but never even talked to because, well, I was married. To my surprise, she wrote back and we corresponded. I met her for dinner when I was on leave, after I took my kids to Florida for a week. We had dinner, and a great time. We laughed and seemed to have a lot in common. To my surprise she told her friends that she HAD a great time, and couldn't wait until I came home. So... what do I do at this point. I'll tell you. I move out on Tuesday and I call her as soon as my apartment is set. Why the hel* not? I get the whole go slowly thing, which I will, but I'm tired of being nailed on the cross by a miseablre, "Injustice collector" who still brings up stuff from ready....1994! What do you think?

By the way, I was waiting for my wife to ask me why I hadn't ironed the sidewalk, shrink wrapped the dog or shaved the kitchen counters today. You know.....all the stuff you should KNOW to do without being told?

[SuperDad]

FLTC,
Just take it one day at a time. Sounds to me like you are still overly focussed on your W and her whole drama. You will know that you are in a good place when her ranting just makes you smile and think, "there was a time when this affected me, now it just makes me glad that I am not tied to this unhappy person".

That's where I am now...just don't laugh out loud, this is not well received.

SD

[SuperDad]

Journaling:
Yesterday was a great dad and kids day, went to IHOP for breakfast and then to the beach for the day. Just a perfect day. Was really nice before they left today for vacation with W and her family.

I did my tri this morning and hit my target time, so that was nice. Got 4th place, 1 off the awards, so that gives me a target for the next one in August. Also got in a yoga session afterwards and then a nap...did I mention that I dropped kids and W off at the airport this morning!

I am really looking forward to 10 days of peace and quiet before I get the kids for the 2nd half of their vacation. Should be a blast, 5 days in TX and 4 in CO.

I am starting to wonder what is up with the L, they are drafting two docs.,

1) a letter to W notifying her that I have retained L and that if she is willing to negotiate/go to mediation, now is the time

and

2) the actual filing for the court.

Plan is to notify W and then, if she is still unwilling to negotiate, file immediately. Seems reasonable enough and this way we are prepared for the next step(s) from the get go.

I've been looking around for townhouses, seems like there is quite a bit in the area, but not so much to rent, which I am leaning towards, should I not end up with the house. Also are some appartments nearby should I need something in a pinch, but I am really opposed to moving out of the house before D is final, since I would be responsible for the house as well.

So that's about it, just another week in paradise!

SD

[swashy]

Congrats on your 4th place SD! Nice effort!

[SuperDad]

Thanks Scott, been training my butt off since then. Just need to shave 2 min. off my time to have a shot at first. Next race is Aug. 17th, so we'll see.