Another post locked. I can't believe I'm still here. But, I'm so glad I found this place..................
Now, my doubts are gone. I know this is MLC. I know there is OW (really know with proof and confirmation---but still no admission from H). I'm done beating myself up and tearing myself down----I'm done blaming myself for being here. I know I can get stronger now. I know I can work on me.
I sent H an e-mail saying some friends invited me out to lunch Thursday and another for dinner that same night. I asked him if he could be available if the kids needed him. He said yes. He would be available at lunch time if needed. He will stay with them Thursday night, but the house he is going to rent will be available Thursday and is planning on moving in Friday. I responded via e-mail, but then later went to him and talked to him. I told him that I needed to look at him and tell him what I have been writing (e-mail HIS preferred and exclusive method of communication these days).
I told him that I know there is no way I can understand what he is going through, just as there is no way he could understand what this is doing to me. I told him that I DO love him, and wish that I could help him get through this. I told him that I know he has to do what he thinks he needs to do at this point, but I will always be here for him----just as I have for the last 29 years. I will be there to work as hard on this as we have worked on everything else in our lives.
I did really well. I held it together. I looked directly at him. I could see how frightened, confused and empty he is. It really made me want to reach out and hold him. I didn't make him talk. I told him I didn't want him to feel guilty. I just needed him to know that even after all that has happend and all that has been said, I love him.
I got up to leave, he stood and held me for a few minutes, and I left.
I did not confront him. I did not tell him what I know. I told him what was in my heart----I did not let the anger take over. It felt really good to be in control of myself.
I would like to attach my first and last threads, but will need help...............
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
You did well. I'm impressed and I bet it made an impression on him. Stay strong.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
I have found some peace. And, I'm not going to hope that I made an impression on him now. I honestly don't know if there's anything that can reach him------as many say here, the MLC'er is an alien and I don't know that they're capable of understanding anything but what they want in the minute. I can only hope that he's at least filed it away somewhere to understand when he reaches the other side of this.
I know that I am a good person. I know that this isn't all my fault. Having the knowledge, the proof, of OW has given me that much. It has given me myself back. I have spent 2 years painting a picture of a horrible person in my mind, doubting if I have ever done any good in my life. Now I know it's not me.
I know it's up to H now. To choose OW, his family, or nothing. My family is too important to not still be able to want to keep our family together, but I know that if H doesn't choose us, it's his loss. I still don't know how to handle the fact that I know about OW but he still won't admit it. I'm still a little numb about that one.
Part of me thinks that if I can, I should keep it to myself until he makes his choice final. If he chooses his family and me, it will need to be addressed.
ImLin, SteelersFan, ButterflyMom................I could use some input/support when you can.
I did some reading in my DB book again today. Michelle says 37% of men have affairs............in a BILLION years, I could never have believed that my H would be in that 37%.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Today I have questions in my mind that I need to get out so I can let it go (or try to), and get back to being STRONG.
How can a well educated man (I know he's not thinking, but)think that he just so happened to take a temporary position at a company that just so happened to be the place where his "sole mate" worked---and if not sole mate, someone he's willing to give it ALL up for. Someone who is already married herself with 2 kids..........Now what kind of married woman with two kids actively pursues a married man with 3??? Why would someone be interested in someone like that. Since she's H's age, maybe she's in MLC too????
Now that she's divorced her H and bought her own house, does she expect him to move? H has already made it quite clear he does not want to lose time with his kids. Moving 80 miles away-----has to be less ideal for the "familly man." Does he really want to raise someone else's kids?? If he thinks he'll move them all here to have us all close----boy will he be wrong!
Now onto the fact that he still will not admit IT to me. How can he continue to wear his wedding ring, sleep in our house, portray to our kids and the rest of the world that he's such a wonderful person, with no flaws, just needs time to "think?" Does he really think if he chooses HER that it won't be obvious that he's been lying to me for 2 years? Does he really think he can make whatever decision HE needs to make without coming clean to me? Well, of course he's wrong about that.
Now thinking this all out makes it so obvious that he is totally NUTS! CRAZY!! INSANE!! His mother sent him a letter in the mail. He's even avoiding opening IT! Sure wish this was like Harry Potter and it could open itself and her voice could SCREAM what I think it probably says.................
Now that I've got that off my chest, I am at least for now, planning to stand. I do not intend to confront H. His latest plan is that he'll move out tomorrow morning. The kids and I plan to be gone. I think I'll set an appt. with MC next week to discuss all of this. Just to get her input and take on things.
He e-mailed to me that I can have the kids this weekend, but if he could have a lunch or dinner with them, he would like that..........then he wants them Monday night. This is REALLY going to take some effort. Part of me thinks the more time he gets with his kids, the more we will realize what he will give up. The more time he spends with them and without me, he will "see" how incomplete the family is. The other part of me thinks I just want to keep them for myself.
OK, off to the shower. I have two friends taking me to lunch and shopping today, another one called and wants to take me to dinner. I guess back on the diet tomorrow!!! At least all of this is forcing me to GAL, and it is also forcing me to realize that I have some very very good friends out there!
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Hello di- I am so glad you are being strong and recognizing that having good friends is one of your blessings. Try to stay strong and try not to get too discouraged if the roller coaster starts up again. Just know that those lows won't last...and that you have some control because you know you can find ways to pull yourself out of those dips.
Do you know where your H is moving to? I doubt it is near the possible OW so try not to get too far ahead of what is happening now. But now that I said that, be thankful the the possible OW has an XH and children. Trust me, when you add to the mix other people's kids and their ex, it is extremely hard on a relationship. If your H does get involved with that woman, then he may eventually realize that he has jumped from the frying pan into the fire.
Who knows what fantasies are funning through your H's mind right now. He is thinking more like a teenager than an adult...full of grand delusions of all the things he can do once he gets his "freedom". Once he gets that freedom, he will probably think at first that it is great and then little by little, reality will hopefully sink in. In the meantime, you just have to let him live his life and make his choices...while you keep your boundaries.
We have said all along how similiar our sitches are and wow reading that just confirms even more...it's like I'm watching my life through you but I've already been through what you are going through now.....it's so weird...
First,our educated spouses are so educated when it comes to common sense...my H's ow also is divorced w 2 kids...we have 3...just like you...and I also have thought many times what the heck is he thinking...like does he really think that he's going to combine these families and our girls are just going to be lifelong buds....NO! my girls will never take to OW because she is the one who entered our home and stole my H and their dad...yes he had lots to do with it to but it doesn't matter...then you throw in my H's "love child" from 8 years ago and you have a huge mess...that's combining 3 families....3 torn apart families....makes me so sad....and my H's OW is my age too..she was a friend of ours from way back...another punch in the gut...she also has her own house and money.... And they WON"T admit it until they're caught....they will deny until the cows come home...because the more you bring it up the more grounds they have to say YOU were the one who drove them away....been there...
My H carried on that everything is just peachy and fun and happy...my son's baseball team didn't even know what's going on and H has been gone 6 months...yep...My H is a great actor...obviously...he laughs talks to me....sometimes will stand by me but not often....and when he jokes and I'm around...he will catch himself because Heaven forbid I would think I have a chance....
As far as taking the kids...good luck....my H just took my son overnight last week for the 1st time in 6 months....he rarely sees them....but I have to say that when he took my son I felt like part of my life had been taken from me....I'm the one who always took care of everything and my kids and when he left I was a mess....total mess. We don't have set days...we can't because of H's schedule with work...I am off all summer so I am flexible...he knows that and sometimes takes advantage of it...
i'm standing....yes....see no changes whatsoever in the past year...except that he has withdrawn from us more....we had everything and he threw it all away...
sorry for being so long winded but I wanted you to know you're definately not alone....I'm right beside you....one step at a time....
((((hugs)))) Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
(((Treese))))----exactly the same!!! Glad we found this place together.
Upside - H is staying in our small town----so just a couple miles away. I know that he is very conflicted. I even think he's pulling away from OW a bit too. I honestly think he knows he's in the shi**er, just doesn't know how or if he wants out.
I'm thankful for friends----and now thankful for friends that I didn't know I had before................(di))
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I haven't read your earlier post but I know what you are going thru. I don't know how to attach my other threads but I was in newcomers for a while & now in midlife if you get a chance to read.
I did lots of snooping, even got into my H's work emails which was how he was communicating with OW, he threatened criminal charges against me. Nothing became of that, he just wanted me to do what he wanted & I didn't. I also hired a PI, since the OW was in another state I found out more than they did but they had a report run on her. She is 1 1/2 years older than my H, has been M at least 3 times & chased after a M man & I'm sure he is not the first she has done this too. She even sent me a thank you email for my H & for not sueing her, the letter is in some of my other threads around April 14th 2008. We are D, he quit an excellent job & moved to another state with this woman that he doesn't really know except via phone & email. He met her in June of 2007 on a scuba diving trip.
My lawyer wanted some proof & I got it for him. I even got airlines to tell me his flight info when he went out there. He got a PO box & new credit cards but I got the numbers & got all kinds of money that he spent on her for my lawyer. We didn't have to use the info I got so I don't think my H knew it.
I know it's MLC, he would never treat me like he did. I got him on tape when he cussed me out, he knew about it later on. He also discovered I was snooping, he put a lock on the guest bedroom door. I wrote him a letter & told him lots of things & I also asked him how he could look at himself in the mirror. I also told him that he wasn't being himself with OW & that she was using him.
I don't recommend all of this, I did this before I found this site. I'm so happy I've found this & we are all here for each other.
I'm sorry I wrote so much, I just tried to give you a brief description of my sitch. Sorry everyone who has already read this. I don't know how to attach threads.
