WAW is back (for now?)

[GH31]

Hi guys, this is a post that I have put over in Newcomers. Basically, W had an A whilst we were in Europe and we separated for 4 months. I told her I had had enough chaos in my life and came back to Australia and did not initiate any contact with her - she came back and joined me 3 weeks later and has been here with me for the last 8 weeks under the same roof. W insists that "it's over" with OM but contact through internet, SMS and phonecalls (not sure how frequent) persists. I have exmplained calmly and gently that our M does not stand a chance with ongoing contact and that I am giving very serious thought to leaving myself, but she has said "OM and I will always be friends".

I would really appreciate the feedback of some of you guys, particularly you Puppy. How will I maximise my chances of getting W to the point where she is prepared to end contact for all time? I know that the M stands no chance at all otherwise even though we enjoy each other's company and have regular sex.

Strange happenings.

Yesterday I got home and went online to check my email. W had left her Skype account on by mistake so I opened it with her in the room and discovered a whole host of attempted calls to OM. I said "W I would be grateful if you could tell me what is going on" and she said "we're friends, and we will always be friends"; "can't I call my friends when I want to?". I said "what do you need to speak to him for?" and she said she had a technical question about webcams. That is the biggest load of spew I have ever heard and I calmly (not angrily) said that I know babble and garbage when I hear it.

W insists that it's over with OM and that they have agreed to be "friends". According to her she has "no plans" to go back. She said that they're in touch a couple of times per week and that it's trivial, mundane stuff like what they got up to at the weekend etc. I said "so if it's that mundane then you would have no problem showing it to me then" and she said "no, it's private. Noone else in the family knows about OM and it's private - you know I am a private person GH31". I didn't know what else to say so I simply said that every time they are in touch it's like being raped. We had a long R discussion and I told her what it was like going through the past 6 months saying I didn't expect her to sympathise but it may help her know where I'm at. Without being demanding or judgmental I acknowledged that I had no control over what she decides to do, but explained clamly that her behaviour makes me feel hurt and disgusted, then left the room.

Unable to sleep, I came back into her room at 2am and got into bed with W. She said "yes GH31?" and I said "I want to see how I feel laying next to you. I really don't like this but W, I am beginning to hate and loathe you - you're really beginning to disgust me. All I can think about is divorce and getting out of this marriage - we do not have a single chance at restoring love between us if you're in contact with him". She said that "we could fix things in time" and "are you really beginning to hate me?" but I said "these things will not fix themselves. When are you going to stop avoiding the issues?". This might be bad DBing but for the last few days I really don't care. She avoids talking R at all costs but frankly I don't care whether it "works" or "doesn't work" to bring it up calmly anymore. If this is what marriage is then I do not want a bar of it, and I told this to W. Again, she brought up my past indiscretions and I said "throwing mud at me continuously is NOT going to make me clean. You're throwing it at me faster than I can clean it off - this vengeful behaviour has to stop even if we're only friends from now on". I said let's just get a D and she says "you do it. I don't want to be the one who has to regret the decision" and then "I don't want to have to go through getting divorced". I have told her several times that if I move out of the house then that is the last she ever sees or hears of me. I absolutely mean it and she believes it. Madness. Utter madness.

It went on, then this morning we ML five times and she spoke about a few dreams she has for the future with us about getting a house and having a family. W says she still feels "heavy hearted" and did so before the A because of my angry and selfish behaviour. She doesn't want to say ILY because then she'll have to start saying it all the time (?!). This heaviness of heart has eased somewhat over the past few months but whilst contact with OM persists I see no way out other than to flush this M, something I don't want but I don't know how long I can go on. Contact has to stop and it has to be W's decision but how to arrive at that point I don't know.

I don't know where I have found the strength to get even this far.