thank you for the fast replies everyone.....she has promised the OM will not be near our house, and I am still honoring my half of the mortgage because I care for the whole family even though i'm hurting. IF she is hurt as everyone here says, she is damn good at hiding it, she comes across to me as sitting on top of the world because of OM. ("happier than i ever was with you") these are low low blows she's dealing, all because I won't grant the divorce. So when I talk to her again, I say I was out of line, and I want to be friends ? i made it clear marriage is a commitment whether its in front of God or a judge (we got married by the mayor) Still, I told her, God was watching that day. I asked how she could spit in the Lord's face by breaking a commitment like marriage if she was a self proclaimed "good christian"
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
Here's some points you can score from how I see it.
1. Apologize to her that the mediation didn't go over well for her.
2. Show sympathy and offer to pay the mortgage until you two figure things out.
3. Apologize about the drug use and tell her drugs aren't allowed in your home anymore and that you wont associate with anyone who uses them. Tell her they hurt her and your marriage and you arne't proud of that.
4. Tell her you are being the person you want to be now and that is a mature person who cares for his family and only acts in a way that will care for her and your family.
If you keep drumming in that you only want to act in a way that supports your family, she will get the hint that SHE is now the problem...she wont admit it, but it will hit home.
This is an approach I used with my W. Each time she said something hurtful I would reply with "I love you, and I will always do what is best for you and our family, that is the person I want to be."
That really started to wear her down. Its impossible tokeep hurting someone who IS so mature and loving to you. She will try for a while, but if you keep that stuff up, she will wear down and realise she's the cancer in the marriage eventually. YOU Have to work here to get all these bad spirits out of you.
Stop criticizing Stop anything childish...no sports. Start jogging instead. Volunteer at your church, your priest etc will be able to give you something to do...get real chummy with him. Talk to him like a son to a father. Show him the man in you.
Your wife does want you to grow up, shes waiting for him to get there, you are getting there, but its going to take you time and its a lot of work. There is a LOT you can do here ok?
Be happy and smile as much as you can. Don't overdo it and act childish or giddy, just show a calm positive warm contentment about you with every step. Play the father figure here...think Charlton Heston in the Ten Commandments...do that.
1. STOP arguing with her. PERIOD 2. Don't criticize her when she says something, just IGNORE it. 3. Don't tell her what was out of line, ignore it. Let it go, she's TRYING to HURT YOU. 4. She IS miserable...shes HIGH on her ADDICTION right now.
You need to trust us here, she does have a LOT of hurt in her, she's buried it because she can't stand it, and she's using her affair to HIDE it from you and her...its like drugs and as long as she's in contact with OM she's on that drug and can't feel the pain she has in her...UNTIL she talks to YOU...THEN it comes OUT as ANGER and HATRED.
WIFE : Our marriage was a sham. YOU : I love you and our family, that's all I care about right now. WIFE : The OM is what makes me happy now. YOU : All I want is what is best for you and our family, breaking up a home isn't healthy for us or our son. I love both of you so very much. WIFE : You never made me happy. YOU : I made a lot of bad choices before. I am working with our church and I am only wanting to be a good person for you and our family now. I can't change the past, but I can keep it from coming back. I am even volunteering at our church now. The priest there is a great influence to be around. Great man, I am proud to know him. WIFE : I hate you YOU : I love you and our family, I am sorry you are so sad right now. I am doing everything I can for you and our family. That's the person I want to be.
One thing I have heard a lot - and it will help you. Believe none of what she says and half of what she does. This will help you in that you will not take what she says so personally. It will be hard - I understand - I am living it as well.
Her actions will speak louder than her words. And according to Puppy and other, that is what to "listen" to.
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
YOU : I love you and our family, that's all I care about right now.
WIFE : The OM is what makes me happy now. YOU : All I want is what is best for you and our family, breaking up a home isn't healthy for us or our son. I love both of you so very much.
WIFE : You never made me happy.
YOU : I made a lot of bad choices before. I am working with our church and I am only wanting to be a good person for you and our family now. I can't change the past, but I can keep it from coming back. I am even volunteering at our church now. The priest there is a great influence to be around. Great man, I am proud to know him.
WIFE : I hate you
YOU : I love you and our family, I am sorry you are so sad right now. I am doing everything I can for you and our family. That's the person I want to be.
1. Notice how you just ignore what she's saying? 2. Notice how you just keep focus on your goal? 3. Notice how childlish she sounds? 4. Eventually this WILL wear her down and she will start to turn to you...that will take a lot of time yet, but she will get there.
I can't imagine the OM is acting this mature. Right now she's hurt and scared and frustrated, she's looking for a MAN she can run to who will support her like that. BE that man for her. The OM will pale incomparison eventually.
Rent the Ten Commandments with Charlton Heston in it...use him as a model.
And NEVER break that role in front of her. If you have to get angry, do it in private, if you have to scream, do it in private.
Everyone has to break down and just play and yell sometimes, but she doens't want to see that in you right now. She wants a father figure...the phrase "man of my dreams" just is a dead giveaway here.
NEVER deviate from this and backslide in front of her. Don't say ANYTHING MEAN to her ok? Just tell her you love her and your family...it will wear that wall down I promise you.
NEVER backslide into a child in front of her. Its ok to laugh, but laugh as a man with a family, not as a carefree child.
Always Always Always make her feel like she can come to you and talk with you.
NEVER let her leave feeling hurt her small. She has to LEAVE interactions will you feeling BETTER than when she began them.
If she turns to you to talk and you hurt her, she is LESS likley to contact you again. You want her talkign to you and turning to you more, you have to make it a pleasant and desirable experience ok?
Just be the man she wants you to be, never MIND what SHE is doing ...picture her as ill. A lot of ill patients in hospitals are just miserable to deal with...understand they arescared and in pain.
Always SHOW 100% optimism for her and your family :
"You can always talk to me. I love you" "You will always be welcome in my life" "You and our son are the most important things in my life." "I will never turn you away. I love you."
You scored big today at mediation, that could have went really badly. Show some modesty and humility here when dealing with her. Sorry but "none of your business" is hardly a romantic response...don't be rude just be mysterious ok? that likley hurt her, bad move on yoru part, do better next time ok?
Her asking you about wha tyou are doing with church was a HUGE step for her...HUGE...and you said "none of your business?"
She's reaching out to you man and you blew it...NEVER do that again.
