well I just heard from her that OM makes her happier than I ever did, she just wants to be my friend and not my wife, why can't i grant her a divorce etc. ? low point in my week definitely. she is "sorry it happened this way. I didn't think you'd act like this"
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
alright Mark, PDT i am backsliding here. she says if i want her to be happy I need to grant her the divorce. after the divorce she wants an annulment so she can be married in the eyes of God someday. she won't stop going out with this guy, or taking our 2 year old son around him. she is making me feel obviously like I have no chance. In regards to my feelings, I am as depressed and as desperate as when i first registered here back in june. I have a good time when i'm not with her, I haven't asked her to come back in almost 2 weeks, contact is minimal. I need a slap in the face. someone either to tell me "dude its over divorce her" or someone to inform of some fantastic astronomical odds that she's just saying this stuff because she's happy with him NOW but that its only temporary. i keep hearing she cares about me as a friend, not a husband.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
She' KNOWS you are vulnerable and she wants to hit you where it hurts to get you to cut her lose.
As for the drugs. I think you need to show some remorse about that. And STOP calling her a hypocrite. That is NOT a mature way to handle that ok?
Sorry, but your posts are reading a bit immature here. I know you are angry and hurt, but aiming for maturity here will keep you sane and avoid depression.
Name calling, throwing threats out, trying to make others miserable, being critical...THAT stuff will make you immature and miserable...don't fall prey to that.
Its all from the same source in you, you have to resist it. The problem is NOT OM exclusively here..its YOU.
She needs to see a mature person. I would even suggest you keep paying the mortgage even if you aren't living there...it might KEEP her living there instead of with OM. It would also score you some points with the wife. Consider it.
But let her know if he ever goes near that house you won't pay it anymore. That's your boundary. I am NOT sure on this one, maybe pdt can offer some suggestions there. But I am trying to find the most mature response for you so we can score you some points here.
What about all your friends and her friends...are they all supporting you instead of her?
You need to think about doing what will bring her CLOSER not further away. I think if you stopped paying the mortgage you would just drive her into the OM's home. Maybe that's a good thing...it may wake her up to reality...Puppy any comments here on this point? I think this is a critical one.
I think telling her something like "I want my son living in OUR home, so I will pay the mortgage for the two of you so you both can live there until we find out what is going on. But I don't want OM anywhere near that house or that deal is terminated. I think this is the most mature way for me to care for my family."
I think something like that would do...still working on it.
Again, stop talking to her about your relationship...she is jus tgoing to throw walls up and try to beat you up. It's all garbage from her misery. In time it will calm down...usually six months or less.
Research the odds of it for yourself buster, Ive already given you statistics, I guess you dont believe me. So look for yourself. She is very confused right now, and she is doing everything she can to make you think that you dont have a chance, most of our spouses are. I told my H that I wasnt ready for a D, plain and simple. Hes not thinking clearly right now, and he cant give something as serious as our marriage the thought it deserves, and when hes ready to stop acting like a child we can talk. I probably shouldnt have added the last part, but I got a little out of hand.
You said that shes worried about being married in the eyes of God in the future, WTH? Shes committing adultery, disobeying a commandment and she is worried about how God will see her future M? This is a perfect example of how twisted her mind is right now. Can you see how her actions are violating her own principles and she is refusing to see it? She has her morality and what shes doing right now very seperated.
I dont know what to tell you buster, patience and time are both on your side right now. You will have bad days, everyone does, even when things are going along swimmingly, now you have a bad day, plus everything thats going on with your M. You know what to do, you do the right thing. You just have to decide what that is for YOU.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Yup, I think a key thing to help you is to stop talking to her about OM and your relationship with her.
Just tell her "I love you" and "I want to always do what is best for our family." and "I want to see you and our family through this as painlessly as possible." stuff like that. Talk like a mature father figure.
NEVER curse or criticize ok? By the tone in your posts here my bet is she doesn't like the childlike commentary you are posting here..if you use any of that in front of her you are toast.
You have to take on a mature role here and stay calm, level headed, and even religious in tone. Think like a priest here ok? A priest isn't going to call his wife a hypocrite or respond with not having to pay his mortgage as "sweet". Think like a mature adult who has found something beautiful in his life finally.
I would also apologize to her about the use of the drugs. Do'nt include her in it at all, just talk like she never participated. Tell her "I am sorry, I am not proud of that and I am strongly against anyone using them...it is not the kind of person I want to be."
She needs to hear that you have changed a bit. DONT EVER TELL HER YOU HAVE CHANGED...you HAVE to SHOW HER.
Change your clothes, change your speaking habits, change your hobbies, change your interests, change your attitude, etc...she will see the improvement. It has to be so much an improvement you make the OM look like a child. Right now you two are probably ona par. You need to up the ante on him here.
