"There is compromise & accommodation. Compromise, you move 3 steps closer, He moves 3 steps closer. Accommodation, you move 6 steps closer. He stands still. Why do you accommodate him ? I think you deserve those 3 steps."
Mrs SC...
How is this communicated? I'm looking for ways to take those 3 steps towards my W? Is it a subtle thing? Obvious? Thanks....
Last edited by Neilh23; 07/16/0812:33 AM.
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Oh really? I think I might have a splinter or 2 in my head. LOL
Brian
Bri, really...? I 2x4'd you ? It must have helped, you're doing frickin awesome !!!!!
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Smart cookie, I'm at the library in order to have internet access. I have to get with it and act as if, right? I will do this somehow.
I know you are right. Everyone here is right. Starting now I have to just toughen up when I am around him. As long as I can come here and mush that is.
2x4's would probably hurt less!
You're getting it. Good job.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
SC, How's your book writing project going? What are you studying in grad school? This is all about communication and curing NFC disease between (almost) DAMs vs. WAWs. I think the MLCs are a different breed. Someday if you can get your H to join in here wouldn't that be something for all of us learn from ? Most of the H's here want to save the M but they are not given ANY chance by the WAW ;-).
Hi, thanks for asking. Um, the book project is still rattling around in my brain. I'm not in grad school, I'm taking an on line course to learn medical transcribing. So, on days like today, when H is out of town, & my kids are all pre-occupied with their friends (I had 7 boys in the pool a while ago) I can get a lot done. I work at my own pace, so I learn a little, & jump to DB, & back to learning, etc, stir, repeat. lol
*giggle* I taught H everything he knows about relationships & women. You want to learn it from him, or me ? Seriously tho, what would you ask him ? Ask me, I'll ask him. He's not joining here (he would if I asked), but, this is my private sanctuary.
12 months ago, I gave H & me 2% chance of being married this year. The advantage I had was, I had DR & this site, & he would do anything to make the M work. I didn't want it to work. I wanted him to fail, then I could walk away & to an OM, & have a clear conscience.
lightbulb going off here.....
The most attractive that I ever was to H, is when he thought I was walking into another man's arms. I think that's why it's soooooooo important to GAL. All those years when I was committed to our marriage, he wouldn't change to make me happy. Then, when he thought I was gone, he did backflips to keep me. He walked those 6 steps towards me every single day for 13 months. I didn't budge to move an inch toward him until a few weeks ago.
H was controlling overbearing, domineering & I had become an angry doormat. I did a 180, I stood up & told him to F off, that he wasn't ever going to treat me that way again...then he did a 180, he became sweet, tender, caring, validating....
So, what I'm trying to say maybe is...if the LBS H has been controlling & harsh, he might want to 180 & be super nice, whenever the W approaches him, don't chase her though. She may be already afraid, even though he's never seen it.
If the LBS W has been a doormat, she might want to 180, & say, "I'm done with you treating me this way, you want to leave, don't let the door hit you in the *ss".
I even 180'd our finances. H had always had the final say on major purchases. Last summer when I could give a flying leap, he suggested a pool. I said no. LOL Threw him for a loop. Then he suggested 4 wheelers. I said no. Then he wanted a gun (WTF?) we're fighting like crazy, & he wants a gun, not just no, H*ll NO ! I'd never said no to him before. It was really good for us.
well, dang, that rambling was cleansing for me. LOL (It also counts as typing practice for school hours, lol)
take care
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
"There is compromise & accommodation. Compromise, you move 3 steps closer, He moves 3 steps closer. Accommodation, you move 6 steps closer. He stands still. Why do you accommodate him ? I think you deserve those 3 steps."
Mrs SC...
How is this communicated? I'm looking for ways to take those 3 steps towards my W? Is it a subtle thing? Obvious? Thanks....
DR book Chapter 4, step 3,
ask for what you want.
1. you can ask her if it's okay for you to move 3 steps forward 2. you can ask her to move 3 steps forward 3. it's okay for you to be disappointed if she says no 4. it's okay for her to say no 5. it's not okay for you to tell yourself that your relationship is doomed because she said no
I refused to move 3 steps for 11 months. My H had to move 6 steps to me, & 10 of those months I told him to back off. But, he didn't quit, he didn't pursue, he didn't push me, he did get impatient & angry at times, that I wouldn't move 3 steps. I just wasn't ready. He couldn't make me, force me, beg me, plead with me. I wasn't moving til I was darn good & ready. Each time he got impatient & angry, I backed up 4 more steps. Now he had 10 steps. (I was a major league b*tch, but I had to be to achieve a balance eventually).
Then, step #5 experiment & monitor. If you take 6 steps, does she seem nicer or meaner ? If you take 3 steps ? If you take 1 step ?
make sense ?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hey Ms Candystriper Gypsy Costume Maker, love & hugs back, sweet dreams. (I almost put two p's in striper, lol)
hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I'm not in grad school, I'm taking an on line course to learn medical transcribing.
So that's where you learn the big words! My W also did this course while she was a woman of leisure (a.k.a stay at home mom) but she did nothing with it. She dabbled in about 10 other career pursuits including real estate agent, office secretary, data entry, bank teller and each interest lasted just a few months because she had the luxury of working or not.
Originally Posted By: smartcookie
Seriously tho, what would you ask him ? Ask me, I'll ask him.
I would ask him how he overcame the flight or fright instinct when under heavy attack from the W. I mean when you have a highly emotionally charged W coming at you with with a potty mouth and a bad case of PMS when you step in the door hungry and after you've just heard your division is being downsized how does he get into validate mode? How did he overcome his anger or jealously at OM? How did he learn to tune in to your emotional needs? How did he learn to say the right thing at the right time or to keep his trap shut? How did he learn to be the bigger person? How did he conquer extreme stress?
Originally Posted By: smartcookie
12 months ago, I gave H & me 2% chance of being married this year. The advantage I had was, I had DR & this site, & he would do anything to make the M work. I didn't want it to work. I wanted him to fail, then I could walk away & to an OM, & have a clear conscience.
I think it really takes both to succeed at this game. I'm willing to bet that those H's who make it into piecing after doing all 6 steps and DBing 24x7x365 will likely face big trouble again down the road unless the W also woke up to her part in the "sitch". You wanted the M to work and you were willing to do your part.
Originally Posted By: smartcookie
So, what I'm trying to say maybe is...if the LBS H has been controlling & harsh, he might want to 180 & be super nice, whenever the W approaches him, don't chase her though.
Good point. Unfortunately the typical WAW is not even 1% open to this even if the H has not been such a bad boy. Your H it seems deep down was well intended even it it came across as "controlling and harsh". If the DAM needs a 2x4 the WAW maybe needs a 2x6.
